A peak into the life of a cheeky girl in a leaky world

moving forreals.

2009-08-18T10:14:00.001-07:00

http://hicheeky.wordpress.com/

touche

2009-08-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

I really want to go back to tumblr. sigh. This is a love affair.

Today I was watching "Rent" with my dad and at one point of the movie, one of the guys said "touche" in response to another. He asked me what it meant. I tried to explain it for like 10 minutes and now he thinks it means something that it really does not. Some things are just hard to explain. but I saw this quote today:

“Be content to be nothing, for that is what you are. When your own emptiness is painfully forced upon your consciousness, chide yourself that you ever dreamed of being full, except in the Lord.” Charles Spurgeon

and now all I can say to that is, touche.

givethanks: reading, eagerness, "The Pursuit of Holiness", dady day

Me & My uniform

2009-08-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

There are about a million things I'm feeling at the moment.
This white coat makes me anticipate for the long road ahead.
A long, but fast road.

I cant wait.

give thanks-- my mom's safe arrival, being home, realizing a few days earlier that my midterm was on Tuesday and not Thursday (thank goodness), the fact that it's only friday, summer weather, journaling, being back to my good ol' blogspot.

(I was going to be on tumblr but my Pastor Aaron led me back and brought me to common ground. Decided to stay here heheee)

Justifying my need for a blog

2009-08-14T14:23:00.001-07:00

People always ask me why I like blogging so much. Some prefer to keep their private lives to themselves, and to not share publicly what they’re doing, how they feel, what they’re going through and what kind of things they may be learning along the way. I’m sure many who come across my blogs will wonder how big-headed I must be to even think that people would care about the petty details that I share through my blogs.

Honestly, blogging has gotten me very far.
From a girl who never admitted to others that she was having a hard time (…ever), I’ve become a very, very open (sometimes too open), trying-to-be-transparent person, via blogging. Being honest to myself and the people around mehelped me to pull the ever-so-present mask off of my life and just surrender. I didnt want to fool anyone anymore. I just wanted to be honest; and this honesty has brought me quite far. It’s allowed me to see things that I was often blinded from because I always restricted myself to my own point of view. I was able to share with others the kind of things I was learning (no matter how obvious and stupid it seemed to be) and found that other people were learning or trying-to-learn those things too.

My primary reason is frankly because I want to remember my life.

In the past few years, I’ve realized that I have the worst memory in the world.. I’ll remember random moments like:

when I was 3 I randomly daydreamed that an elephant was sitting in the couch of my LA apartment ( I seriously remember this vividly..I was in a car when I thought this)
I cried when I was like 4 years old because my cousin Danny, shot down a birds nest with his water gun because I accidently told him about it even though my parents specifically told me not to
In elementary school I wore a white dress for Picture day with a white bow and everyone sang the Wedding Song and I was embarrassed so I cried
in 4th grade the love of my life, J, got hit by the ball during dodgeball and I wanted so badly to help him up but I was too shy.
In elementary I used to call this guy named David Lim “Limhead”
I remember the first time I slept in the house I’m living now. I was 5
I remember going to Hometown Buffet with my family to celebrate the day I started my period.. (TMI? haha)

These are random memories that I have. However, in the course of my life, and even in the course of these past two years, my life and thinking and character (I would hope) have changed drastically and to be honest, I dont really know how I got here. I dont remember what kind of things I specifically struggled with, or what kind of thoughts I had been confused about, and what kind of convictions I had developed as I was going through X, Y and Z. Here I am— a completely different person from who I was only a handful of years ago— and I dont really remember how I got here.

It’s a frustrating problem. and blogging happened to be my solution. I hope that in 10 years I will be employed as a nurse in some hospital, married, and hopefully with a kid or two. Via my commitment to blogging, I’ll be able to look back and see how stressed I used to be for silly midterm exams, how excited I was when I got my first set of scrubs, how shocked I was when I got engaged, what kind of things I learned during the first year of marriage, how hard it was struggling to find a job close to church, and how I coped with a sudden loss of a loved one. so on and so forth. Not a bad reason, right?

A secondary reason (although it could be taken as just another primary, I suppose), is that I hope that as I blog about the kind of things I experience, the people I meet, the things I think and the various lessons I learn— that those who read my blog (close friends, acquaintances, sisters, church members, strangers or whatever) will in some miraculous way be encouraged. I know that I’m not naturally some extraordinary person who inspires people because I save lives and donate millions of dollars to poor people. I’m just an ordinary college student trying to be somebody, a horrible sister and daughter trying to patch up an internally broken family, a failing friend learning to die to myself for their behalf and a redeemed sinner trying to live up to the calling I’ve received. All in all, I’m just an ordinary joe. But the Extraordinary God works in ordinary peeps like me and does extraordinary things. Evidence of grace is everywhere and it’s splattered in my life like paint on a richly colored easel. And as an individual who hopes to realize daily the evident work God is doing, I hope that in turn it will encourage those who follow along as well.

From the intentions I had for this “Why I blog” blog post, my entry did not do myself nor my thoughts justice. But I guess that just proves my point. This is just an ordinary blog from an ordinary person trying to become more aware of the Extraordinary things the Extraordinary God is always doing; and that’s good enough reason for me.

I will proclaim your greatness, my God and king;
I will thank you forever and ever.
Every day I will thank you;
I will praise you forever and ever.
The Lord is great and is to be highly praised;
his greatness is beyond understanding.

Psalms 145:1-3

Sister beach day

2009-08-14T10:45:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my sisters an I took a rain-checked beach trip to Corona Del Mar. It was Katherine’s last day of SAT classes for the summer (which she labored day in and day out since summer started) and so we just took some time to celebrate! It was nice because we just laid around and read and slept and talked. “This was the most relaxing beach trip ever” they kept saying. “This is perfect, perfect, perfect”.

Out of the many good things about this summer, one key thing has been the ways this summer has allowed me to grow closer to my sisters. We were always close because the three of us are all some-what outgoing girls who are willing to talk once in a while. (Usually thats all it takes for girls to be close). But this summer has definitely deepened the conversations that we have, the amount of content that we share and even in the sweet times we get to hang out like the beach day.

Summer’s sweet

Give thanks— praying in the car, Audrey, Katherine, being home, the fact that my mom is coming back today, long weekend.

It came!

2009-08-12T07:10:00.001-07:00

My nursing uniform came in the mail today!

It was delivered to my house so my sister sent me pictures. :) This 7th grade dream is slowwwly feeling more and more real...almost like a dream.

and this is just the beginning. crazy

every blessing you pour out

i'll turn back to praise

give thanks- remembering Your provision and grace in providing me with my uniform, the provision and grace You will continue to lavish me with as I go through with this, structured schedules and to-do lists, disciplining my weak and weary flesh, iron that sharpens and people who serve to remind, the strength you give me to try again.

no giving up

p.s. I have been starbucks and coffee-free and spent $4 in the last 2 days. Yayuhhhh

Mid-summer update

2009-08-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

Speaking mostly through pictures:

Korea Update
So my mom's in Korea right now, and she sounds like she's been having a good time. She actually had to go to get some check-ups because she hasnt been feeling well. All seems to be going okay, and she seems to be really enjoying her time and the food there. I miss korea. I miss the liberating freedom of the atmosphere. My mom seems to be living life to the fullest there: HAHA

Education 50, and snacks
My teacher loves eating snacks in class and so he assigns 4 people to bring snacks every single class time. So half of the class time we're just eating snacks. It's awesome. This is my new friend Mike. He really likes the snacks policy.

ARC
For the last few weeks I've been really enjoying the ARC alot more than I ever did before. It always feels really good after coming back from the ARC and I have a habit of coming back to my apartment, and just standing around and stretching for like 20 minutes before I shower. Yesterday as I was stretching, I wanted to see how fat I would look with the photobooth "Bulge" option...

This was depressing. So I thought I'd see what I'd look like if I was buff

I got really embarrassed hahahahahahahh

and then I just jumped around

I'm at work right now and i'm on my break. but its over now
have a good day

give thanks-- your ever-present grace in my life, and in me

Sleepy summer

2009-08-07T11:19:00.001-07:00

For some strange reason I've been incredibly sleepy for the past couple of days. I never really had a hard time waking up in the mornings, but these days everyday has been a wrestling conversation about how badly I wish I could stay in bed and how I should get up even if I feel tired.

I went outside in hopes that I would stay awake but the sun was too bright (refer to Figure A) and I couldn't read or see anything so I had to come back inside. Now I'm on a comfortable starbucks couch, and if anybody saw me they would say that I'm laying down on this one-person seat. I look pretty foolish, but I swear after this blog post I will sit upright like a normal human being in front of a table, and study for my class.

This week seriously flew by and I feel like the rest of the summer will fly by along with it. This week has been nice. I really like my new summer school class. I'm taking a class called Education 50 right now, and it kind of reminds me of high school. Our class is in this big conference room and we sit in tables of 6-8 people and our tables are "teams". I'm in a team full of athletes and I'm the only asian so it's pretty awesome. Now that I think about it, we look pretty cool. Or I do at least, with them next to me. They're all super tall and super athletic looking and I look like a puny little asian girl who's name must be "Lin" or "Soo" or something. Our presentation is going to be on Sports (ha,figures) but it's pretty awesome. I'll try to take a picture with them next week hehe

My mom went to Korea yesterday. She called me last night when I was sleeping, right before she was gonna board her plane. I miss her already. My mom isn't feeling well. She went to Korea to get some health check-ups because it's cheaper in Korea. If you ask me honestly, I'm scared. From the way she describes it, it could be a few of a million things and it scares me. But it's times like these when I know God searches deep within my heart to see the genuineness of my faith in Him. It's easy to have faith when everythings going well. It's easy to say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" when everything is easy.

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You
In God, whose word I praise
In God I trust, I shall not be afraid
What can flesh do to me?"

Psalms 56:3-4

Study time! Blessed be the name of the Lord. Coram Deo.

Give thanks-- lunches, good days, the back of the ARC, pAaron and tina, fellowship with tC, waking up enough to end this blog and go study.

My fickle friend, the summer wind

2009-08-05T15:31:00.000-07:00

It's 3:33 so I thought I'd update.
I'm very tired these days. In the last 24 hours, I slept 14 hours. Is that disgusting?
I'm at home right now but I'm going to head back to Irvine in 30 minutes.
I love emails.
This summer is a very, reading summer. I like it
500 days of Summer is a cute movie, but it made me sad :o(
I want to sing a song

This was a strange blog update.

Give thanks-- remembering how Big you are when I feel small.

Chapter 2

2009-08-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

Just some exciting things

July 2009 marks the month of the most blog entries I've ever written in one month!
1st summer session of Summer school is over and done, 2nd starts tomorrow!
I can't believe it's August! 2 more months til school :oD yaaaay
I started my 3rd book of this summer this weekend. There's so many books I want to read..
Took all of my shots and got my blood drawn for testing last friday!
I have an iTouch now! After about a year of wanting one and about 2 months of debating whether or not it was worth it to buy one (I have a video Ipod already..), I bought a new one from Kevin, my generous friend! (o: and I reaaaaaaally like it!
I also took this HIPAA online training for nursing today!

doesn't look all profeshunalz or anythang but it's something :O) and I really feel this year creeping in on me now! I'm so excitddddd
I just ate the healthiest dinner of my life. and I'm pretty tired and my stomach hurts :o( so I'm going to sleep soon yay!
My mom is going to Korea this week!

There's so many things to look forward to this week, this month and the rest of this summer. As I'll be taking an easier, non-major course for the summer-- hopefully it'll grant me the time to read more and to prepare more for next year. Life is so exciting. God is good.

Give thanks-- the start of Chapter 2, time to read, my really cool ipod touch, weekend to relax, messing up, remembering that Christ came for screw ups like me, times of refreshing, excitement for everything, time to pray.

People who run ahead of me

2009-07-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

From the hefty list of my summer resolutions, these were 2 of my goals:
1) read more
2) become more familiar with church history.

To my convenience, DesiringGod (John Piper's ministry) made available a really really great list of books online to be downloaded for free. I've been really taking advantage of this resource and I decided to read one of John Piper's wife's books.

This particular book was about 5 different women who lived, endured, suffered, sacrificed, and wholeheartedly served for the God they knew was worthy to be proclaimed and exalted, in life or in death.Their lives and their stories have rebuked, encouraged, melted and challenged me. Reading about these women put me and my life to shame.

Although I don't remember every single detail that Noel provides about these women, I close this book taking one main thing away: The God that they served through their sufferings, and the gospel that they earnestly fought to proclaim is the same God and is the same gospel that I embrace today. It was that worth it. and it should be that worth it to me too. We have the same God, we've been saved by the same gospel-- and yet I look at my life and look at theirs and see the million degree difference that is so acutely present.

No one says it better than Noel Piper herself, so I'll leave you with this:

I had in mind something like what Jim Elliot said: “Missionaries are
very human folks just doing what they’re asked.
Simply a bunch of nobodies trying to exalt Somebody.”1
Not all the women in this book are missionaries, but I think each
would have been the first to tell you she was just an ordinary person.
These ordinary women had an extraordinary God who enabled them to do extraordinary things.
And he’s the same today for us.

Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God.
Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
H E B R E W S 1 3 : 7 - 8

That’s why I read biography. To remember people who’ve led the
way on the path with God, to consider their lives, and to imitate their
faith. Because we have the same God, and he is the same yesterday,
today, and forever.

-Noel Piper

Give thanks-- Starbucks in the morning, Extended reading time because of no classes this week (yayuh), Noel Piper for writing this book, Sarah Edwards, Lilias Trotter, Gladys Aylward, Esther Ahn Kim and Helen Roseveare who are worthy saints to run behind

Yipes

2009-07-30T13:21:00.001-07:00

I have work in 7 minutes and I have yet to change. EEK hahaha I am the worst. I'm working 7 hours today. and I'm scared, honestly. I feel tired just thinking about it.. hahaha but I'm excited. Work is awesome because it gives me the opportunity to interact with hundreds of people a day, and encourage them with kind words and a warm smile.

I really hope that in these next 7 hours, Christ will be seen in me.
It's hard sometimes you know, scrubbing toilets and moss from the corners, getting bleach dropped on your back while your leaning on all fours, and mopping pee from the floor (honestly, boys need to learn how to aim there is always pee on the floor..haha) It's not the most glamorous life. But I'm thankful, because I know that in these baby steps God is teaching me to have a heart that is willing to joyfully serve others and to really grow to see them as people that I can serve.

What an honor it is to serve God's people in this way.

Speaking of honor, I had the chance to eat lunch with CJ today. She took me to a really cute sandwich place in Tustin and she bought me a really delicious sandwich. Spending time with her reminded me of how faithful of a God our God is. As iron sharpens iron, CJ's heart and ever-growing desire to improve and recognize herself more and more sharpens me.

These pics were for our twitters. Hahah :)

I'll be back on my lunch yay

---- I have an hour lunch today! I'm going to read some :) yays

give thanks--- CJ, sandwiches, mornings, friends

God provides.. (edited)

2009-07-29T12:51:00.001-07:00

Dude...the craziest thing just happened..

So I had to order my scrubs this week, but I wasn't going to be able to order it until my financial aid came. Afraid that it wasn't going to come in on time, I emailed my counselor asking what I should do. Because it's mandatory that we place our order in by this week in order to recieve it in time for Fall, my counselor provided me with a code and asked me to call DOVEAPPAREL directly to place my order..

I called and found that the original price would be a minimum cost of $219 for my uniform. But the voice on the other line told me that they would provide a complimentary set of scrubs and lab jacket for free.

Honestly, God provides.
How the heck does something like this happen to someone like me? I couldnt believe it.

I wonder if there's a catch. This seems too good to be true.

----------
<edit>

Absolutely no catch...

----

I'm so thankful :(

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, “What shall we eat?” or
“What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the
Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father
knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God
and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:31-33

Give thanks-- being back in irvine, an endless list of things to constantly be grateful for, that You are a God who provides, unspeakable grace and generosity I've received, the motivation to give back all the more.

My two homes

2009-07-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

It's official. Irvine has become my home.
Not my second home, but my home-- so now I have two!

Everytime I come to Diamond Bar, I realize once again just how closely I hold Irvine to my heart as a home. I swear its not just cuz I love school-- but the people, my church, familiar coffee shops, my apartment room, the list could go on.

Everytime I come to DB I'm able to look back and just be grateful for where I ended up, and the people I ended up with. I'm at DB right now, but will head back to Irvine in an hour or two, and I'm actually really excited.

Things I love about Diamond Bar Home:
_A close It's a grind
_Home Cooked food
_Being with my family
_Fast Internet
_Pho Hana
_A really nice and queen-sized bed
_Alot of clothes to wear (My sisters clothes..haha)

Things I love about Irvine
_The Starbucks on Campus Dr.
_Work
_DWYS
_Pretty people
_Crazy Airconditioned apartment
_School

I cant wait!

The Ultimate manual

2009-07-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is breathed by God.............

I'm at the Science Library right now but I just thought about this. This is the most random thought ever..but..I was thinking, when I defend my faith and when I defend the various things I believe-- I turn to the source which I believe to be of highest authority. I turn to the source which I believe to be truth. I turn to Scripture.

Why is it truth? Because it's the Word of God
Why is it the truth which I could I place my entire trust in? If I really believe in God of the Universe, who would be a better source?

The analogy I thought about for this was manuals. Car manuals. Manuals of contraptions. Manuals of computer programs. Manuals are created for a very significant and valuable purpose. Manuals are a means for the creator to relay informations on the what, when, why, how's of what they've created and what they are so very familiar with-- to a person (or group of people) who will be making use of their creation. For the sake of clarity, I'll give a specific example: Car manuals.

Car manuals are usually (if not always) written by the handful of people who greatly contributed in the creation, construction, and manufacturing of the car. It was their initial idea, their vision. It was their design. It was their handiwork. It was their masterpiece. They contributed their individual ideas into this project and their used-to-be floating thoughts have materialized into what they now see before them: the final product of their automobile. In the manual, we find various introductions to the car, the many assets they accompany, the various things that differentiate this car from any other; they might even throw in some fun facts about how the car started and what the history of this grand and magnificent idea was. They include instructions on how to operate the car, what to do in case of emergencies or in case of any problems they may arise. The manual writers may also include some fun stories about people who had great experiences with the car, what kind of mileage it has, along with the many rewards that may come from using the car in the way that it was created. The buyers are permitted to run the car on their own basis, by the way they would like it run, but they are also encouraged to run it the way that they (the creators) have designed it to perform the best-- which would be , exactly how they had meant for it to be run. They continue in on more instructions on how to change this, and how to adjust that, and how to run this, and what to do when this or that happens. I can also guarantee that they also include some sort of contact information to show who and where to contact for any "Further Questions or comments".

This sounds alot like what the Bible does for us.

It lays out the history of the world, the history of salvation, and the life death and resurrection of the Savior that had come to pay ransom for our souls. It gives stories upon stories of those who were faithful, and those who were not, and the rewards and consequences that they received respectively. It gives us instructions, warnings, encouragements. It tells us why this world was created, why we were created-- and if we were smart, we would do our best to perform in the exact design in which we were created for.

God wrote this incredible manual for us. and I believe with my whole heart that the Bible is the Word of God and the authority of my life. I submit to what it says. I obey what it commands. I believe the truth that it proclaims. (or am trying to at least)

How can we believe that this is actually the word of God? How can we know?
The simple, cliche, yet obvious answer is: by faith.'

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.
Hebrews 11:6

True, it's not really a satisfying answer for the outside eye, but honestly-- what in this world do we run on without faith? There are so many things in this life that offers us no kind of assurance and no kind of faith-deserving evidence, and yet we bank our entire lives on it.

We ride our cars with faith that it wont shatter into its own metal pieces while we're zooming by on the freeway. We sit on chairs, with faith, believing that it will carry out 100+ lbs of weight. We talk to hundreds of people over the phone, in faith (even if we've never seen them before), believing that the person we intend to be talking to is the one we are engaged in conversation with. We have faith that when we go into a coffee shop and order a drink, that they didnt in any way poison it. When we go to costco to buy bread, we have faith that every slice that they promised to sell to us will be found in the bag- so we buy it without having to count each and every slice. We have faith that we will be here tomorrow when we say "see you tomorrow". We have faith that there will be a tomorrow everytime we think to ourselves "i'll just do it tomorrow". We even have faith when we read our manuals, that the information given is legitamate and that the writers of the manual are dependable sources.

Daily we place our faith on these things and people that offer no substantial promise or assurance to us, and yet we doubt and often question the authority of God's word because "faith" is not enough proof for us to believe it.

That is foolishness to me.

I want to live my life and be a person that stands with two feet firmly planted on the Word of God because it's my authority. The Bible is my authority because God is my authority. And although I fail to really live out this truth on a daily basis, I have faith that I'm slowly getting there-- (very very slowly)-- and that the great Author is the one who helps me the entire way through.

I love psalms 119

Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light to my path.
I have sworn an oath and confirmed it,
to keep your righteous rules.
I am severely afflicted;
give me life, O Lord, according to your word!
Accept my freewill offerings of praise, O Lord,
and teach me your rules.
I hold my life in my hand continually,
but I do not forget your law.

Psalms 119:105-109

---

I know, such a random thing to think about before my midterm... haha

Give thanks-- dwys in the mornings, the word of God, and faith that allows me to believe it

Intermission

2009-07-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

My 1st summer session officially ends tomorrow. I will have 6 days to rest before the 2nd session starts and this is going to be the first real time of having nothing to do for a long time (besides the fact that I have work, ha!) so in a world of musical theatre, shows, and performing arts-- we would call this an intermission. My final is tomorrow and I feel more ready than I think I deserve to feel. I know the major concepts, and I'm familiar with the few details I need to know. What more do I do now? I'm actually going to bed haaaaaaaaaa I'm picking up my CPR book tomorrow. I'm going home tomorrow. I'm going to see my family tomorrow. I'm going to love tomorrow. It's going to be a good day.

I've been blogging regularly recently, it's kind of wierd. I think it's because I've been thinking alot, but thinking is good. Summer is good. God is good. I'm doing way better than I deserve right now.

and that is really good news.

My mom bought me a new laundry bag today

I dont think I'm going to look that cool walking out with this tomorrow.
but my mom gave it to me, :) so sue me

(I'm laughing in the picture because Esther was laughing at me..)
i'm going to miss living with her.

Give thanks-- Sundays, morning prayer group, seeing the China team back, productive study times, sweet times with Annie ko and Michelle shin, my final tomorrow

I love wikipedia

2009-07-25T22:39:00.001-07:00

Remember when I said my professor let's us use Wikipedia for our reading/learning sources?

Professor Hicks was not joking around.. haha He is super helpful though.

Speaking of helpful, there's this friendly application that the Macbook comes with and it has come into great use during this summer school course : )

So I can write any word or physiology term into this little Spotlight area:

And this pops up!

This has seriously been my best friend these past 5 weeks.

Tomorrow will be the last day that I study for physiology.. (for this course at least). It's been a long ride, but not once was it dreadful. I dont know what it is...maybe I'm just excited for next year. But regardless of what it was, this class was hands down my favorite class ever. To see how everything in our body functions and how it's just millions and millions of contraptions working together to maintain a medium in which we could survive-- it's just amazing.

Today I spent 12+ hours at Starbucks. Today I spent 10+ hours studying for my final. It was fun : ) Today I also took a run. I was running through the ARC and there's this really really dark and really really scary valley looking thing and I seriously thought I was going to get beat down or something-- I ran so fast out of that and I didnt even stop til I was a good 50 yards from the ARC itself. I was so scared : ( I ran alot today. My back and head hurts. My body and mind feel exhausted so I'm going to sleep soon. but it feels gooooood

I thought I was going to look cool hahahahaha but looking at it again it doesnt look that cool. I took this after I came back because I was sweating so much and so I thought this thermo-kind-of-looking-effect would make it look really cool, but it doesnt. haha oh well.

A couple days ago my boss brought me a flower to put on my hat!
It's big

Tomorrow is Sunday! I love Sundays

Have a good night everyone,

give thanks--- Long days of studying, good weather, eating with Mamakang, Steve Cha's and an opportunity I will hopefully have, anticipation, peace in the midst of anticipation, running, the fact that it's Sunday tomorrow :)

hey richard,
look i spelled 'opportunity' right!
i had to come back to fix it though, hahaah
thanks, ih8you4life

Big world

2009-07-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

It's so easy for me to get caught up in my own little world that I often forget the big world out there. I hope it's not bad for me to assume that I'm not the only one with this tendency and that everyone often forgets of anything past their 10 mile range. I guess we can always try to be a little more aware of history that's happened before us, the future that is unfolding before us, and the blessed presence we're privileged enough to live in now. Hope this helps

Here's a few pictures that have recently been shared (click for larger viewing)

It was the 40th anniversary of the first landing on the moon this week.
Here's history in bundles of a 1000 words each

Training for war- these are women in the Phillipines

Mud around the world

The longest Eclipse ever also appeared this week

taiwan

india

and although its so easy for us to forget,
we're still in Afghanistan

It's not as easy for some to forget..

I hope this served as a reminder to you guys as it did for me. More at Big Picture

give thanks-- Fridays, naps, letting go, Your faithfulness in eG's life, reminding me how big our world is and how little I know of it, reminding me that You are the God of this big world

Post-Flu, Pre-Final

2009-07-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

Monday night marked the beginning of my personal "break" and I had the biggest break of my life. HAHA. I caught a crazy flu Monday night which hung to the neck of my body the end of Tuesday. I was miserable. Honestly, Tuesday seems like a blur to me. I cant believe today is Thursday I feel like some sort of 4 day weekend happened without me noticing because this week flew by faster than I can say the word 'Thursday'.

Being sick was not the best. Being sick when you're not at home doesnt make it any better. There's this strange sort of sensitivity slash loneliness slash depressing vulnerability that comes with being sick-- and for an already sensitive person like me, that kinda added-on flavor doesnt really do me any good. By Wednseday I was completely better (thanks to alot of medicine, alot of sleep, alot of sweating and alot of people) and I was able to live like a regular human being again.

I texted my parents later that day to tell them how I was feeling. My dad was really glad to hear the good news:
Cute huh haha

So yesterday (Wedns) I spent trying to catch up on the two days that I didnt study. I have a final coming up and I'll soon be done with my Human Physio class. Bittersweet. Bitter because I absolutely loved this class: everything about it actually, studying for it, reading it, lectures, looking stuff online about it, watching videos on various topics and even just trying to think out the concepts in my head. I absolutely love it. I love studying things about the human body because it reminds me of Who created it-- and it causes me to be more in awe of how Awesome and how Detailed our Creator is : ) Sweet-- because I'll have alot more time to do other stuff without having to study for this class: the list entails of studying for other things, reading more, working more, and doing more things I wanted to do this summer. So it's a win-win situation really, but regardless, I'm thankful to have taken this class during the summer, and I'm excited to keep learning

We're learning about the Digestive system right now
and of course it ends appropriately with the end of the GI Tract via Defecation.

Defecation is basically pooing. (which is something that I appreicate personally. tmi, ma bad)
But this was a portion of my lecture slide that made me laugh yesterday as I was studying it

Translation: Basically shows why we hold our breath and constrain ourselves and our bodies when we go poo. hahahah The holding of the breath helps us to the contract the muscles that we need to contract in order to increase pressure, which would squeeze the rectum (butt h-le) and help push the feces (poo) out. Seems obvious, but who's ever seen this on paper? haha i love my class.

and to top it all off:
Here's a picture! yay
---
I'll end with this because I love Michael Buble and these things are always fun
---
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.

Pick your Artist:

Michael Buble, a beautifully talented man

Are you a male or female:
I'm Your man (Dang it, this is the only song that could answer this question..dang it)

Describe yourself:
Call my Irresponsible

How do you feel:
Feeling Good

Describe where you currently live:
Home

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
A Foggy Day, In London Town

Your favorite form of transportation:
Come Fly with me

Your best friend is:
It had to be You

You and your best friends are:
Always on My mind

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
You Dont know me (HAHA)

What is life to you:
The best is yet to come

Your current relationship:
Put Your head on my shoulder

Your fear:
That's all

What is the best advice you have to give:
Try a little Tenderness

Thought for the Day:
Quando Quando Quando

How I would like to die:
You and I

My soul's present condition:
How sweet it is

My motto:
Just in time

Give thanks-- a really fast recovery, productive study times, laughing with friends, side conversations, prayer

Taking a break

2009-07-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

I realized that taking a break isn't a crime...
it can even be considered necessary.

My break may only last for a day or two
..could even possibly end up being a few hours
but regardless- I'm hoping to be back from a refreshed time

Be back soon,
Sharon

My first late night of the summer, and Tim

2009-07-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

I havent had to stay up to study the entire summer so far-- but I have a midterm tomorrow and I had alot more to study for than I anticipated. To be honest, I'm not really scared. I think I'm pretty ready, but last time I slept at a good 10pm the night before my midterm and didnt really study the morning after because I was too comfortable. I made alot of stupid mistakes on that midterm but ended up doing relatively alot better than I deserved.

Studying regularly (as I've got into the habit of doing this summer) has really served me in alot of good ways, but has made me alot more lax and chill with my tests. Because I studied so much for it before, I dont feel as anxious or nervous for my tests. A good thing, I suppose-- but also, could end up destroying me because my prideful self could nonchalantly throw my notes in the air the day before my midterm because I feel like I'm "ready".

Afraid to make the same mistakes again-- here I am, staring at the notes that I've labored over for the past few weeks. Writing in 3-4 different colors imprint on every page, embellished with neon pink, blue and green post its marking a few extra notes I found online or in the book. There's no such thing as studying too much-- I tell myself. But the more and more I stare at it the more unfamiliar it becomes to me-- and it forces me to go back and relearn it again.

It's 1am. I wanted to wake up early tomorrow but I feel like tomrorow will just have to be a sleep-in, and wake up and go take your midterm kind of test day. That could be exciting, I guess.

I'm not too sleepy anymore-- thanks to a good friend of mine.
Someone who cares enough to help a sister out when she's tired the night before a midterm.

"Hey, wake up"
"Guess what I'm gonna do right now"
"Sleep. Bye"

He's so kind.

----
So whether you eat or drink
[or stay up late studying for your midterm,
or memorize physiology concepts,
or keep trying to diligently study even when you're tired],
or whatever you do,
do it all for the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31

--

Give thanks-- home in the middle of the week, productive study times, the beautiful day today, a short-lived but sweet freedom I will have at 1pm tomorrow, friends, text messages, reminders;

Meet Ian

2009-07-15T21:57:00.001-07:00

True, I dont know Ian, but his story has really melted my heart, and I wanted to share with everyone and anyone who reads this blog to join me in praying for Him.

About 3 years ago, Ian got into a head-on collision with an SUV-- Long story short, He was severely injured and everyone anticipated a goodbye. He was in a coma for a long time, but by God's gracious and sovereign hand, he woke from the coma but still struggles with brain injuries.

His girlfriend and "pre-fiance" (as he calls her), Larissa, writes about it to this day on his blog (click here) and I'm so thankful that I found it so that I could join in the hundreds of people who are praying for him. Larissa's faith in the Lord and devotion to Ian through all of these years really served to encourage and challenge me in so many ways. To say that I am completely stricken and I admire her faith with my whole heart would be an understatement. I really wish there was something that I could do to help in any way shape or form, but I the most I could do (and the best thing I could do) is pray for them.

Here is an excerpt of her testimony about her new life with Ian:

Even though I can’t see my future as clearly as I thought I could before, my affection for and devotion to Ian has not changed. Our relationship is now constrained to a hospital room, our dates are now him sleeping through the movie instead of me, and our conversations are more one-sided than ever! But I have never felt like I don’t have a boyfriend or struggled in my thoughts to stay faithful to this relationship. I still stand by the thought that anyone facing this situation would do the same thing. To me it’s easy--it’s just Ian. God has blessed me with a deep love for Ian and he continues to pour out strength so that I can continue through this affliction. And while my role as a girlfriend has changed, I’m still his girlfriend. If I were the one in a coma, Ian would never leave my side either.

More than my affection for him as a boyfriend, though, is my love for him as my best friend and brother in Christ. I have been called to serve Ian. And while I miss serving him in the ways I used to, like making him dinner or being his daily planner, I have been called to pray for him, talk to him, and just be near to him. There’s no place I’d rather be than sitting next to his bed.

Let's pray for Ian and Larissa

--

P.S. It's my mom's birthday today. I'm so thankful for the ways God allowed our relationship to be a means of sharing and growing to love Christ more together. Definitely an evidence of grace in my life.

Give thanks-- Ian, Larissa's faith, God's grace, Church History, Adoniram Judson, Home, my beautiful mom, family time, The hope we can have in God's love and mercy for us in all our circumstances.

Granny's goals

2009-07-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

Bryan Chao just said that I am "grandma status" because I said I'm going to sleep right now.. but what can I say? I'm so tired...haha.

before i continue, i wanted to share with you what Bryan shared with me:

(he thought that meant Grandma in Korean. I had to bring his happy spirits down and break it to him that it meant old man/elderly man..)

I went tanning/studying today with tracy at her pool, and we dipped in the pool a few times because of how beautifully yet painfully hot it was.. Esther said that my grandma-status tired-ness is due to chlorine water, which supposedly makes you sleepy.. CRAZY. Tanning was really wonderful though. It made it feel like summer. The hot sun beaming a nice warm blanket over the trying-to-get-bronze skin. Passion tea with melted ice percipitating the cement on the floor. Ipod strumming music into my ears and the way the sun forces my eyes to squint as I try to read the notes I took during my lecture. It was beautiful. Tracy is beautiful. The day God made was beautiful.

but yes, so I am going to bed right now. 9:30pm on a Tuesday night. I have a midterm in 3 days and I dont feel ready for it yet, but I guess we'll have to see how that goes! I'm excited :)

Before I leave, I wanted to share 3 things that I really want to devote myself to learn in the remainder of this summer, this year, my college career and hopefully continue on to the end of my life.

The first two have to do with my job.
I want to learn how to

speak Chinese and
Spanish

(fluently--especially in medical terms)

I feel like communicaton is suuuuch a signficant and effective part of our lives and the ways we interact with the other people in our lives as well. Not only in a professional aspect- but personal too. As a nurse, I want to be sure to be personal with my patients; to truly demonstrate to them my genuine concern for their comfort and well-being, to ensure to them how much I am more than willing to serve them and do anything and everything in my power to be there for them, and to encourage them in the midst of their pains and discomforts. Smiles and kind gestures can only go so far..I mean, I dont doubt the effectiveness of actions or the accuracy of "actions speak louder than words", but if I could do the actions AND be able to say words that they actually understand--man, that would be siiiiick. (I heard someone say that today and I thought they sounded cool so I wanted to try it..

3. I want to learn more about church history

They always used to say that living the Christian life was like running a race. Some may also say that because we run alongside so many others-- its more like a marathon. (which I find to be a better analogy for various reasons). When one prepares for a marathon, there is much preperation, endurance, training, sacrifices, encouragement, motivation, determination, and drive that one needs in order to endure to the end to the finish line. All of those things seem to be things we need in order to well-equipped for such a run. This year I've heard many sermons and encouragements come from verses like Hebrews 12:1-2 that say that we must run with endurance, gaze at the saints, fix Your eyes on Christ. I never really considered the "gazing at the saints" of any importance until this year. There's so much encouragement that we can get from these guys-- to see the kinds of life they lived, the kind of faith they had, and the kind of sacrifices that they endured for the sake of the gospel. It makes me look at my life in the mirror and see how foolish all my complaining is, and how shameful and unworthy my pride is.

Trying to keep it short.
but I'm cutting it off cuz it's getting way too long
and I'm tired

Run hard everyone

Give thanks-- the amount of goods we have on the internet (sermons, testimonies, blogs, articles-- seriously theres so much we are so tremendously blessed), the warm sun, friends, seeing old faces, sleeping early, letting go

You gotta friend in me

2009-07-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

"Friendship"
by, Hugh Black (quotes from the book)

The world thinks we idealize our friend, and tells us that love is proverbially blind. Not so: it is only love that sees…. We only see what dull eyes never see at all. If we wonder what another man sees in his friend, it should be the wonder of humility, not the supercilious wonder of pride. He sees something which we are not permitted to witness. Beneath and amongst what looks only like worthless slag, there may glitter the pure gold of a fair character. That anybody in the world should be got to love us, and to see in us not what colder eyes see, not even what we are but what we may be, should of itself make us humble and gentle in our criticism of others’ friendships. Our friends see the best in us, and by that very fact call forth the best from us.

There is nothing so important as the choice of friendship; for it both reflects character and affects it. A man is known by the company he keeps. This is an infallible test; for his thoughts, and desires, and ambitions, and loves are revealed here. He gravitates naturally to his congenial sphere. And it affects character; for it is the atmosphere he breathes. It enters into his blood and makes the circuit of his veins. All love assimilates to what it loves. A man is molded into likeness of the lives that come nearest him.

--------------------------

Give thanks-- new week beginnings, my friends, the fact that they are still my friends despite who I am, reminders

Gimme a break!

2009-07-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

This is the schedule that I had kept close to me all year for an easy access reference.

This summer has been crazy non-stop for me. I had a midterm last week and I have another midterm this week. 2 more weeks and then my final is here! A couple days at home and session 2 starts.

I love to-do lists. I love schedules. I love planners. I love having my days planned out. But it's been hard this summer to not get caught up in a daily routine. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely love it. Everyday I learn new things, have wonderful conversations, share meals over laughs with friends; I get to read alot, I live in coffee shops (which I absolutely love), speak to alot of different strangers, journal more, study more. It's been great. But I cant help but feel like I'm just riding those flat escalators and just trailing along as it moves on its own.

I count today as my "day off"-- because I took the longest break ever. I didnt really do anything crazy. but I just got to sit and rest for a while.. and it was nice. But now I'm excited for this new busy week. Hopefully I'll be able to "redeem the lost time". I'm tired. What am I doing up..

You might be wondering why I posted a picture of the UCI schedule/reference in the beginning of my post.. well, its because today I was trying to see when my summer session ended, and came to find it to be inaccurate with my summer school syllabus. I checked the calender in my computer, I re-checked the syllabus, and I checked my personal scheduler and found that it was completely wrong.

Why?

I
cant
believe
I
used
this
all
year....

Give thanks-- family time, my day off, relaxing, a messy room to clean later, church tomorrow, praying with sisters

I miss xanga.

2009-07-11T11:32:00.001-07:00

Do you remember these?

Human Physiology, Wikipedia and the Bible

2009-07-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was in high school, Wikipedia was the forbidden red button that I was never allowed to touch. My teachers always used to warn us that if they caught any of our work containing information or quotes from this forbidden website-- we would be severely punished. It wasn't even a plagerism issue-- it was more of an accuracy issue. Wikipedia is trash, they would say. Which is true, sometimes I guess. Giving anybody in the world the option of changing any page is a stretch and would not be considered a safe haven for information. I can go in and change anything I want on that page right now-- to test out how easy it was, I tried it! I searched for my name and I was going to write a biography about myself (HAHA), but I got scared cuz it records ur IP address, so this was all I could do:

What can I say..I got nervous!

So, my Physio teacher for summer school told me that we could use any source we wanted, including Wikipedia. Say whaaaaaat? ...and so I've been using it like madstylez and I have grown to appreciate the abundant and clear explainations that website provides. It makes me want to go back to my middle and high school and ask them why in the world they were cruel enough to forbid us from such treasure...now I can join in with the rest of the world and wear this shirt after I graduate,

So I started reading this other book yesterday, and I just wanted to share a part that I really liked. This is a really good book by the way, I wish I could have a book club and read it with a few people cuz there's so much stuff I want to talk about and questions I want to ask. Shucks. It's pretty cool; It gives "biblical responses to today's hot issues" including environmentalism, online dating services, immigration, homosexual marriage, entertainment, abortion, God and the problem of evil. Interesting huh?

This is from the first chapter; It was about The Bible and Real Life.
I'm only gonna be posting tidbits, because if I wrote everything I wanted to share, this next paragraph will be left unread by every single person who reads this blog (all two of you) haha

"The fact is that far too many professing Christians live their lives, day in and day out, on the basis of something other than the Bible. As a result, their priorrities reflect the world's priorities, not God's. Their patterns of behavior and their plans for the future differ only slightly from those of their unsaved friends and neighbors... Biblical Christianity is not primarily concerned with external behavior modification, but with a change of heart that subsequently manifests itself in a changed life... Our response to moral questions is not determined by politics, economics, personal preference, popular opinoon or human reasoning. It is, instead, grounded in what God has told us is true about ourselves and our world... The Scriptures are our authority because God is our authority, and His Word stands forever." (p. 8-14)

Give thanks-- Studying times, DWYS, K's I, The gift of Scripture and the extended amount of time in the summer to grow in love with it.

Things to post about

2009-07-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

1) Our crazy bodies. God is so creative and detailed.
We really do worship a mustard-seed, knows-the-number-of-hairs, awesome God..

2) The joys of studying at a local starbucks, like, all the time.
and all the people I get to meet.

3) Finding evidences of grace in others
and searching for my secret uglies

Summer is awesome.
Summer school is fun.
Work is tiring, but I love it.
Friends are the best.
I miss my family.
The book of Job owns.
I love DWYS (Dont waste your summer)
I'm going home tomorrow.
I drove/spent a little money this week, yayuh
I studied alot this week
I am so tremendously blessed.

Give thanks-- all of the above; the God that You are, and the grace that you show to an ugly sinner like me.

July Updates:

2009-07-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

July 4th weekend!

My 4th of July weekend started on Friday.
Our annual pass to Universal Studios expired on July 4th so we went on the 3rd.
I love spending time with them because
whenever we're together it feels like I'm hanging out with my best friends.
They're so cute, sometimes. :)

The next day we went to our 2 day, 1 night vacay to Las Vegas.
As bad and crude as Las Vegas can be, we just like going cuz its away from home.
It's kind of like our get-a-way. We listen to songs, and talk in the car.
But most of the time we just do our own thing.
I studied. Audrey and Katherine listened to their Ipod.
My dad...I'm not sure what he did. And my mom just kept saying how happy she was.
Our vacations are always nice, and family time is my favorite.
I'm so thankful for my family :o)

So this year my dad did something special..and funny. Haha
He wanted us to draw a picture that portrayed what we thought of when we thought of our family. We all took turns sharing what we drew..it was cute, and interesting. What followed was a very intimate session of personal introductions, sharing our deepest hurts, greatest joys and our visions. It was enlightening, and very heart-breaking slash heart-warming. I feel like through this time our family really grew closer in a beautiful way. (as lame as that sounds). I'm so thankful for them. and for us.

Well, here's the drawings

This was my dad's. He said we are like a star, and all of us individually are the end of a star.
We're a star because every line in the star is connected, and there's no break.
The symbol in the middle is supposed to represent God, who is the center of us.
Like stars, we shine no matter where we are, even in darkness.
One little star in a vast sea of darkness will still shine, and in the same way we shine
as the "light of Children in God" :)

This was mine.
I said that when I think of our family, I think of us all in one car.
No matter how we may be seperated (college, or what not- note the flags), I always feel like we're together..as if we were just riding in one car together. Each person has a symbolic characteristic portrayed in them: my dad's muscles for the strength he brings in our family. My mom's folded hands with a spatula and phone, always prepared to help and support us; Me in my nursing outfit..haha; Audrey with a paintbrush and laughing face, for the color and laughter that she brings to our family; and Katherine and her crazy mooneyes for the warm joy that she brings our family. The cross in the front of our car leads the way because it really is the love of Christ that drives us, and wherever we go we leave trails of love and positivity (notice the hearts and postives coming out of the car HAHA) i know lame, but if u knew my family-- you'd know :o)

Audrey's.
She drew our house--and this actually REALLY looks like our house..haha. It's symbolic in its simple way if you really look at it. The clear skies, bright sun and seclusion is supposed to signify the comfort and stability of our home and family. This past year had brought about alot of hard times and circumstances, but I agree with audrey when she demonstrates how stable and how secure we feel together.

Katherine's. Cute huh? haha
I think it speaks for itself. Look how big that cross is. Look how big that heart is. Around the light our family shines there are the 4 things that she thinks of when she thinks of our family. Smiling and laughing face, The bible, Good food and hugging. Lots of love. Lots of joy. with Christ in the center. How beautiful is that huh? :)

This was my mom's. I love this one.
This drawing shows a picture of our family walking on a straight path. (even my dog haha)
Along the path there are alot of things along the way.
On the left you see big waterfalls, that make lots of noise and can be scary and dangerous and bring many loud distractions into our life slash walk.. then comes thunderstorms and earthquakes. On the right is the end of a cliff. One wrong step and we would fall off and be gone forever. But as we are walking the straight path we trod forward towards the path toward heaven, with Christ on our path (note the cross). Despite the scary things along the way we walk confidently together toward our end goal. This is an anticipation for heaven..and look, my dad doesnt even need his crutch anymore :O) that'll be the day..

I love my family.

---

Quick update on my day and midterm

-Ate Brazillian BBQ and it was so good. Service was awesome. I miss it already!
-studied with Annie today :O)
-Busy day, tired, long blog post, my bad

Goodnight

Give thanks-- God's faithfulness in my family, summer school, lunches, productive study times, laughing with friends

Long weekends

2009-07-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

Long weekends are always nice. I spent the day with my sister's at Universal Studios yesterday, and today we will be going to Las vegas with the family.

I've been exceptionally tired this weekend. Slept in the car, slept on the tram (during the tour yesterday..hahaha), and I've been sleeping before 10:30pm every night so far. I think I miss school haha. I've been having really really wierd dreams tooo..

Anyway, one thing that's been sorta draining my fun is the fact that I have a midterm on Monday morning. I'm gonna be gone until Sunday night, so I've been trying to find ways to study before and study there too. :o( sad. But I tried to study alot before so it shouldnt be too bad. My mom just came and massaged my shoulders saying to not stress about it haha and just to relax.

Such a wise woman

Oh! They sent us our schedule for next year :O)

but because of summer school my schedule looks like this:

Sweet

Give thanks-- sleep, my family. home food. text messaging. morning readings.

Mr. Sun, shine down on me!

2009-06-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

I looooooove summer. :o)

Cool things about this summer:

Esther, my wife: Esther's been and will be living in my very small room for the first half of summer! :o) Although she doesn't listen to me and sleep on my bed, she sleeps on a mattress next to me and I hope it's not too uncomfortable for her. Living with Esther has been cool because we're always together anyway, so it's just convenient being in the same room. The pressure that her presence brings has also kept me accountable for alot of things this summer-- so I'm very thankful. I sorta feel like we're married sometimes. Random facts about living with Esther: a) She has small hands, but I already knew that. b) She has legit face lotion c) When she wakes up in the morning, the first words she says is "I hate my life"..seriously.
Sleeping early: Esther and I are grandmas. We sleep between the hours of 10:30-11:30pm. every night. Except the one night I made her watch transformers til 3am. She told me she hated me like 20 times that night.
DWYS: Every morning at 7am, some of us from the college group come together at Starbucks and read together every morning. Although we dont really say anything to each other, and all of us are a table away from each other-- it's really encouraging just to start the day off with familiar faces who all want to be kept accountable this summer. I've wasted every summer of my life by sleeping more than I needed to, so this has become quite solidified in my daily schedule and has served to encourage me, refresh me, and charge me up for the rest of my day :O) thanks all you dwys-ers, and pastor aaron!

(sorry so small, its from my twitter. haha)
Time to read and journal: I love summer because summer means more time and more time equals more time to read and journal :O) these two things have grown to be one of my top hobbies ever since I came to college, and having alot of extra time this summer has allowed me to indulge myself (sounds bad... but its not) in this leisure that I enjoy so much. I bought some new ones today. Don't judge
Summer school: I love summer school. not only is it chill, but my class this session is SUPER intersting. It's my first health-body-anatomy-kind-of-thing type of class and I love it. It's been really easy to study for it all the time because I love just reading about it all day, and my lecturer is very helpful. I really love this class and it makes me all the more excited for next year!

that's how fever happens

and this is a python eating an antelope..whole. Metabolism is fun
Preparing and anticipating my Junior year: One of my favorite things about this summer is the fact that its the summer before I start my actual nursing program. In a month or so I have to order my scrubs and white coat, and my dear roommate of next year, Jess Quen, gave me some of her anatomy books before she went home to norcal. So I've been looking through them, and just anticipating for it, being excited and prayerful along the way. As tough and overwhelming as I know it may be, I'm excited to see how much more dependent and steadfast He'll grow me to be .

So those are just some reasons I love this summer :O) it's been a week and a half so far, and I'm so excited to see how wonderful my entire summer will end up being.

Give thanks-- esther as a roommate, tracy as a friend, reading, my new journals, erasers, productive study times, caramel mistos, encouragement, emails, oppurtunities to pray

My roommates

2009-06-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

So this past new year, I've been living with three beautiful girls that I just realized I never took time to talk about til now. Living with these girls was definitely a experience for me personally, especially because I never had to live out of the comforts of my own room. If you know me well enough, you'd know that despite what people may relay from my personality, I really like being on my own when I'm at home.

Everybody tells me that living with friends is hard, and when we first assigned to live together I definitely didnt see why anyone would think that living with friends was anything BUT fun and exciting and lovely. I hit rock bottom a few times as I struggled to really find the medium between being a good friend slash roommate and being my own person. (that doesnt really send out what message I want to say) haha. Basically, sometimes it's hard being considerate. Sometimes, its hard to think about others before yourself. Props to all you self-less folks who think of every single person in the world before you think of yourself, I applaud you. I am trying. I really wish I was like that. But Truth be told, I am not, but if anything-- I am trying.

Living with these girls had made it a trying year. Not because of who they were personally, but because they are people, and I am a person, and people usually clash like waves every so often, but that's okay.

We have less than 3 months together, and it saddens me if I'm to be honest. I'm thankful for every single one of them for various and millions of reasons and looking back, I cant help but regret the times that I wish I served them better, loved them better, gotten to know them better, and spent more time with them in general.

Since this entry sounds really sad so far, I figured I would introduce them to you guys :O)

This is Aimee :)
1. She lives in the room next to mine.
2. She eats super healthy (yogurt, berries, salads awl da times) and goes to the gym alot
3. She is a really really good dancer. I like watching her practice!
4. She watches shows while she goes to sleep
5. She has the most natural and peaceful wake-ups ever
6. She has a really really cute smile
7. She is the "teenage daughter" of our household.

This is grace. or ask I like to call her, dark park!
1. She is dark
2. She has the craziest laugh I've ever seen in my life. She makes me laugh alot, too :)
3. She is nocturnal (doesnt sleep at night and sleeps throughout the day in small segments)
4. She sleeps in the strangest positions...
5. We share love for Mac and Cheese..and suffered for it last year (HAHA)
6. She loes TV shows too..and watches it like..at all times. Especially when shes sleeping
7. She is a really loyal friend and I miss when we used to share stories.. :O)
She's the baby of our family

This is Jennifer. AKA MY HUSBAND. She is the Father of the Family.
1. She hates it when people wear shoes in the house...like seriously hates it haha
2. She is possibly the busiest person I've ever met in my life.
3. She is the best person to have conversations with. I love our conversations
4. She is honest and so straightforward. Very real. What you see is what you get.
5. We share a love for disneyland
6. She always lets me borrow her clothes and shoes for events
7. Her talent + Her love for God has inspired me alot these past two years

btw, did I mention she was on youtube?

mtviggy.com | korean

Give thanks-- early wake ups, TGIF, my roommates, remembering to love and appreciate them more

Sister love

2009-06-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

This morning my sisters and I went over our first lesson in FOF together. I was very thankful for my sisters' teachableness as they were very open to hearing me share about how the Word has affected me in this past year-- although they grew up for the past 16+, 18+ years of their life with the bible next to their beds. I'm not gonna lie, I was super nervous. I had to pray about 10 silent prayers before we started this morning and although it was early and they weren't too happy about how early we were having it, God truly blessed us with a refreshing time of reminders and of new motivations :)

I'm at It's a grind now and I'm doing my extra credit assignment. I needed to print out a article from my website but I didn't want to have to go back and forth, so I asked my sister to print it for me after she showered. I was very thankful :) but I dont think she's too happy right now.. haha

Haha

My parents asked me to pray for them. My mom asked me to keep her accountable with her devotions. I'm so thankful for my family

Give thanks- My dad and his warm and welcoming hugs, My mom and her cute diligence and desire to dependent, Audrey and the laughter she brings me and her honesty that challenges me to have integrity, Katherine's beautiful and genuine desire to grow

A break from the week

2009-06-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'm home

The best part about being home on a Wednesday is that I'll go back to Irvine tomorrow night and I'll feel like the entire week is starting again as if it were Saturday. But it'll really be the beginning of Friday and the weekend will come so I'll feel like I turned back time and started a weekend all over again.

July
The best thing about July so far is that I get to start on a planner that I bought about 3 months ago. I bought it in April but couldnt use it because the first month on the planner was July. Didn't think the time would come so soon but here we are, and here I am, 3 months older, 2nd year of college under the table and the beautiful aroma of summer surrounding me. The non-best thing about July is that I have to pay rent. Money has been quite a scary thing to me these days but I know that it's because I'm letting it cradle me in its arms as if it could provide me with some comforting security that I know it would never provide for me.

It's only been 3 days but I'm pooped.

(haha)

Coffee-love
I've been trying not to drink as much coffee these days. But I must admit there is something strangely beautiful about coffee. Honestly, alot of the times when I'm drinking it I dont even enjoy it. Sometimes I feel so sick of it that I dont even want to drink it for another week or so. I felt like that about 2 hours ago but the thought of it is what brings me back. Do you ever experience something like that? I do. Sometimes I'll eat something for dinner and be so full and bloated that I would never want to eat it again, but turn me around once and you'll see me eating it again for breakfast. There was another example I wanted to share but I realized it would expose my secret so I erased it.

I wonder if my husband would let me...Would this be considered child abuse?

I'm too tired to go on
It's 9:15pm and I'm going to bed

but one last thing--
Today I was thinking about love. (wow, that sounded super lame..) HAHA, but I mean it-- I really thought about it. Not necessarily the cant-eat-cant-sleep-reach-for-the-moon-notes-on-my-car-window-flowers-on-the-bed-butterfly-stomachs-and-warm-snowy-nights kind of love, but the kind of love I have for people in general.

I searched a few passages in hopes to teach, correct, and sharpen my view of what love should be, and to see how I could better emulate the example of His love for us. As cliche as it may seem, this passage struck me: the well-known passage about Love (1 Corinthians 13). I used to always read this or hear it somewhere and just gladly nod my head in agreement to the various characteristics they would state about love. But as I read and re-read this passage today, really trying to see how well I've been doing, I noted the parts that I felt I miserably failed at on a day-to-day basis.

I honestly could have boxed every word in that passage, but I gave myself some undeserved slack. But I'm thankful for times God gives me to reflect and see that I'm alot farther away than I think, but I'm more thankful for the hope that He gives me in His love for me

In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. 1 John 4:10-12

Give thanks-- Your perfect love, sleep

Don't waste your summer

2009-06-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

It's summer!

Last year, John Tang shared with me a list that closely related with this list when I told Him how scared I was about wasting my summer. Last year was an epic Fail with an uppercase F, but I'm ready to take on this year's summer with full force, on full throttle and I'm gonna do it!

I've been reading alot of blogs this week-- and for alot of people the main topic seems to be time. Time always seems to be our worst enemy doesn't it? "There's so many things I want to do-- but oh darn there's not enough time", "I would totally be more ready for this test if I had a little bit more time", "OMG I'm gonna be a third year, where did all the time go? I wish it would slow down"-- just a few of my own personal examples. Time annoys me because I cant control it. I'm a control freak and I ususally feel most secure when I have everything tightly entwined between my finger tips like string puppets where I am in complete control of everything. But oh you Time-- darn that time-- I close my eyes and time passes by. There's no way of grabbing a hold of it to slow it down, nothing I can do to tell it to stop or go back a few minutes-- and that frustrates me.

All of us are given the same 24 hour period a day. In my pastor's words, "All of us receive the same amount of time each day, but is it being spent aimlessly or is it being invested wisely?" When I think about how I spend the 24 hours of my day, I put myself to shame because I know better than anyone how much of this time I "waste" indulging in myself, vegging on personal pleasures that will only take me so far to make me sleepy enough to give into a shameful nap, and adding little to no benefit to any one else around me.

At the end of each day, I imagine myself to be dragging my feet, face down, emptihanded. Dragging my feet in reluctance to come, face down in shame and emptihanded with nothing to bring but the waste that took place.

I love summer; It's an extended time of good weather and limited stress and I want to use it the best I can. I want to spend time with people and encourage them. I want to read books and fill my heart with all the more reasons to worship Him with my life and with everything I am. I want to invest in His Kingdom and not only share but to build relationships. I want to journal and testify of His faithfulness and majesty in my life. I want to enjoy the sunshine. I want to watch movies. I want to pray more. I want to go to disneyland. I want to learn how to play piano. I want to make necklaces out of flowers and I want to learn to praise God for His creation.

There's so much I want to do
and now I feel like summer's not enough time to do all these things

Yikes,
there I go again. -_-

Thank You God, for time.
Help me to use it to glorify You

--

This exerpt is about Sabina who suffered under mad persecution but yet remained faithful to the Lord and to the people around her. In the midst of sufferings she endured and endured it joyfully and later she and her husband brought her family's murderers to Christ. Read the whole story here

People are fighting and laboring for the Kingdom of God on a daily basis with the "little time" they have. . What are we doing?

Give thanks-- being at home, private times of reading, oppurtunities to encourage my parents, the joy of Christ in my family, preparing for FOF to do with my sisters, pho hana, yogurt, the strength and wisdom You provide to help me as I try my hardest to be discerning..

The summer wind keeps blowing in

2009-06-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

I cant believe this year is over. This year was definitely heavy-- heavy, being full of alot of studying, alot of learning, alot of growing, alot of changing, alot of responsibilities, alot of stress, alot of worries, alot of reassuring comforts, alot of pruning-- this year has just been crazy.

To name a few things that happened this school year:
1) Becoming a Learning Coach at Starbucks
2) Getting a car
3) Planning Korean BBQ's and Senior banquet
4) Getting to know people better
5) learning to read on my own
6) learning and growing to defeat my fear of EV
7) Biochem, Molecular Bio and Microbio ('nuff said...seriously)
There's just too much. This year has definitely been full and wonderful-- but all in all, I'm glad its over. So I am officially done being a "regular" bio student at UCI and will now proceed to nursing classes :) In 2 weeks, I will take the first nursing class that is absolutely required for my program. Human Physiology? :) yayuhs

There's alot I want to do this summer. Study more. Work more. Read more. Pray more. Alot of things I want to mend and repair with myself. Patience, self control, diligence, discipline, taming my words, to name a few. A much more to look forward to: getting my scrubs, studying more, reading my long-awaited list of books, summer vacaaaaation :)

Thank goodness this year is over. I hope I passed all my classes, but it's in His hands now.
Time for chapter 3.

Say whaaaaaaa?

Resolved tomorrow. sleepy times.

Give thanks-- Your faithfulness, finals week finally ending, the end of 2nd year, the beginning of summer, the comforts of sitting, anticipation for sleep, resolved tomorrow, confidence in prayer, Your grace that covers all things.

p.s. North Korea threatens VOM, demanding them to stop sending them faxes about love, forgiveness and the gospel. As scary as it is-- thank God that Christ is being preached somehow. :) Let's not forget them

"Ridunkulous" microbiology

2009-06-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, I dont know how exactly to spell it-- but it's the word that bChao always used to describe this class.
It is pretty "ridunkulus" aaaghh i dont know how to spell it. haha.

Anyway, My final for my m122 class is in about 3 hours and 45 minutes. yipee.
How ready do I feel? 56%.. i think? haha. There's just alot of material. Although I can confidently say that I seriously did not procrastinate or slack off for this class-- I'm still quite unprepared. which is sorta depressing but whatever..

This round of finals has been the scariest for me. 1 down, 1 today, 1 to go. Many times I feel quite discouraged from how un-prepared I feel despite how hard I studied throughout the quarter. Endless nights in study rooms, sacrificing sleep so I dont fall behind, missing out on hang out oppurtunities just for the sake of trying to keep up. ( I didnt even watch "Up!" and I hear its really goood..) however, I dont feel too distraught. More and more I feel like I'm learning to see how trivial and foolish it is to be so consumed with worry and disappointment on small things like these tests. (even if they are finals, and even if my final is 60% of my grade, even if I dont feel ready, even if this sucks.)

As lame as it sounds, I just want to do my best. I know that sounds really lame and cheesy.. haha. But I just want to give it all I got, take it, and move on without looking back-- even if I dont do as well as I hoped. If my heart's desire is that He would use me for His purposes, I just want to make sure taht I do as much as I humanly can so that I could be as equipped and prepared as possible so He could use me. sigh

This is bryan. He is one of the nicest guys I know and he rides his bike around but he doesnt look like a loser. He's super smart and he has the best study techniques ever. I'm really thankful that I got to take this class with him this quarter because he always threw in words of wisdom every now and then about study techniques, my well-being, and life in general. he's going to be a LARC tutor next quarter and I'm soooo confident (1734732%) that he is going to be the best one ever. He likes to eat food. His favorite word is Ree- dun-ku- lus. I teach him korean words like molla and joggum

This is Denise. She has the neatest writing I've ever seen in my life. Seriously if you saw it you would freak out. She really loves details and is very diligent in making notecards, pages and pages of outlines and writes on humungous posters. Denise is one of the sweetest girls I've ever met and she is a constant encouragement to me and I'm so thankful to have a sister like her :) I'm actually taking both of my bio classes with her and I'm so thankful for her because she likes repeating things when she studies (which helps engrain it in my head) and she always reminds me to use these classes to glorify God. She has a cute laugh and I like holding her hand.

In the beginning of the quarter-- we started this email thread on gmail. although it only lasted a few weeks, looking back at it now it encouraged me so much and reminded me of how faithful God has been to us even in this little quarter. I'm so thankful for them :)

--

One more thing,
So about 4 years ago I followed my dad to Dominca Republic for medical missions. There, we treated hundreds of people who had lived without medical attention all their lives. The kinds of conditions these people were in were super intense. There is one account that I remember really vividly til this day.

There was this woman who was unable to walk comfortable for about a decade because her leg and foot was super swollen. I remember my dad telling me that it was an infection due to some wound or cut and that the bacteria had infected it and had messed up her foot circulation. My dad had to needle that foot and ankle up x10000 and I remember having to squeeze and massage the leg really really hard to take all of the bacteria-ed blood out. I vividly remember this because of the amount of brownish blood that woman lost and how she would repeatedly hit my arms and head because of the unbearable pain it was causing her. I remember closing my eyes so tight trying not to let go despite the amount of pain I was causing her.. if anything good were to come out of this class-- I now know (or I think i know) what kind of virus that woman had.

I hope that woman's better now
if not, I hope when I become a nurse I can go back and nurture her in a less-painful way.

Here we go, micro. note to self: poe fo sho

give thanks-- yotb, emails, starbucks, bchao and denise, productive study times, and the motivation that comes from You

A letter

2009-06-07T00:06:00.001-07:00

As I was cleaning things out of my computer, I found a letter that was written last year and I'm surprised as how uplifted I felt afterwards.

--

Dear Sharon,
Good morning! Today is a new day. You might have made a few mistakes yesterday, and a few things may not have gone according to plan, but God has given you a new chance to start again.. so don’t waste it! Here’s a few reminders for today..

Today you may possibly go to class. I know that it can be tiring and rigorous, but hold on. No matter how insignificant the material may seem, the more you focus and the harder you work on it—the better nurse you will become. God is using this class, the things you learn and the studying habits that you develop to further equip you to be the best and most hard-working nurse you can ever be! Go to class, Listen with attentive ears and an eager mind! God calls you to be a student, so be the best one! – for His Glory and Honor alone! When people see you, they’re going to get so encouraged by how joyfully and diligently you work! Smile as you learn, Rejoice as you study. You can do it!

Today you may possibly go to work. Don’t forget that as you are working—you are not only serving customers, or your fellow coworkers/employers—but you are serving God. Some people may ask you to do things that you might not want to do, or things that have been unfairly assigned to you.. but do it joyfully and willingly. Be humble. Don’t let your pride cloud your attitude and harden your heart. You are there to serve. Whatever they ask, do it better than they could have possibly asked you to do it. If possible, do any extra work that will make it easier for the people around you. Serve your customers joyfully, cheerfully and with a loving heart. Brighten their day with your words of encouragement and greeting. Make them smile. Don’t let the workload wear you down. Work hard, and serve faithfully.. for this seriously glorifies God. Work so that His light will shine upon You and that they will know that there is something indeed different about you. You can do it, I know you can.

Today you may possibly have to study. Whether it’s for an exam, for review or just for the sake of not falling behind—do it diligently. Ask God for the strength and diligence to perservere when it gets tiring. Don’t let studying become something dreadful. Do it with a happy spirit, with a positive attitude and with an excited and eager mind. If you’re going to study—study with all your strength and might so that God will see your faithfulness. Study hard now so that you will develop skills that will help you to focus and quickly learn things that you will have to in the near future as you prepare to become a nurse. Pray! You can’t do it alone. God will strengthen you and instill a positive fire inside you. Stir the passion in your heart.. Study hard. You can do it!

Today you may possibly be tempted to sin. No matter what it is, or how severe the sin may be.. don’t forget that it all looks the same to God. Whether it be a thought, action, or word—cast it away the moment you detect it. God hates sin. Love God more because of the sin that seems to be devouring your heart. Seek strength and refuge in Him. God will surely help you. Find strength in Him. Plead with Him. You cant be the light when your continuously painting yourself in black. You can do it, Sharon, be strong.

No matter what you do today—rejoice. Give thanks for all that you have, all that you have been given and all that you have yet to receive. Love all, for you have been loved first. Trust God with everything today. Spend time with him every chance you can. May every breath that you exert not leave your body without a prayer tied to it. Thank God for everything.. good, bad, easy, or hard. Seek for God’s heart. Do everything for the sake of multiplying his glory. Be honest. Be real. Be genuine. Work hard in everything you do today. Smile. Make people smile. This life is not yours. You are not yours.

Let’s give God what He deserves today.

Love,
Sharon

--

I wrote this letter to myself about a year ago and tried to read it every day right after I woke up. Although I was only consistent in this morning letter reading for a week or so, I can see God's work and faithfulness marked in how far He's brought me since then. Thinking about where I was exactly a year ago-- I cant help but be thankful and praise Him for the grace He's shown thus far. Thank God I'm not the person that I was even an year ago. I was struggling so much then, and dont get me wrong-- I continue to struggle now-- but I thank God for the genuine and sustained joy that He's been teaching me to have as I labor.

I'd rather be struggling than swimming in complacency.
Let's keep struggling

Give thanks-- Jamie, the fact that saturdays are always nice, lunch with strangers however weird they may be, refreshing times with You, Your vast love and faithfulness testified in the one little year of my little life

Busy bee, where's yo honey?

2009-06-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

This past week has flown by and I can't believe it's already Friday already. In exactly one week I will be done with my Sophomore year in College-- Crazy. Halfway done? Unreal.

This past week I've been spending alot of time preparing for finals week. Not preparing for finals, but preparing for finals week. With practice tests, note cards and other tid bits that I can use to study next week-- I've been keeping myself rather busy.

I've had my fair share of fun too. Yesterday I had a bonfire with CCM and played a good game of football (girls vs boys) with our Sophomore class. Got owned, and humbled-- but all in all we ended just being reminded of how blessed we were to have each other :o) Today I splurged on an Albatross run with the tripod and I'm about to head over to a late night pho night with a group of my faves. It's been tiring. I'm sore to my bones. and I'm utterly exhausted and feel the fats. But it's been a good week and I'm excited to get this next week up and over with.

What else have I been doing to keep myself busy? I've been trying to find another job. Preferably a private tutoring job but most of the things I've found have been for either little children or caregiver for paralyzed people. I spent all day sending emails and resumes and I finally got a reply (yes, only after one day! Cool!) She seemed deeply concerned that some nutjob would be handling her kids and their 2nd grade education-- so she asked me to take a IQ test..

Those were just a few of my favorite questions.

give thanks -- deep sleep, life without a hairdryer, spending time with tracy and esther, CCM class of 2011.

Blindfolds

2009-06-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

Most of my friends are Christian.
Sue me, sue me, what can you do me-- but being more involved in CCM and church has allowed me to develop deepened relationships with those in it as well and it has really been a tremendous blessing in my life. The striving-to-love-always-and-be-selfless-at-all-times-and-trying-to-emulate-the-kind-of-love-that-Christ-demonstrated-on-the-cross kinds of friendship is something that I've never really known before I came to college. Being surrounded by the constant encouragement, influence and example made a huge difference in my life as I imagined it would and I'm so very thankful.

But I think being in this Christian safe haven for the majority of my first two years, if not my entire life, has caused me to have a blindfold of what else is out there.

Recently I've been trying more and more to become more aware of what's happening outside of my comfort bubble. I'll share with you guys the blogs that have helped me to stay more aware

The Big Picture has allowed me to see what kind of things happen around the world through pictures! (from things related to war, religion, holidays, etc-- strange stuff, but very interesting and eye opening) It's like news in pictures slash photo journalism and it's really cool :o) VOM (Voice of the Martyrs) has a really great blog about people who are being persecuted around the world. It's really heart breaking to see the kind of suffering people have to go through to defend their faith, and it really rebukes my lack of appreciation for the kind of freedom I have here.

Today I found a blog on some random agnostic/atheist guy. He calls himself The Angry Philestine and he definitely opened my eyes. Not to see his side on the foolishness of the gospel or the message of Christ, but moreso, on how merciful and gracious God has been to me to bless me with the eyes to see Him and the spiritual understanding of the gospel. Everything I read thus far really made me sad, but it challenged me all the more to equip myself more and more with the knowledge, wisdom and love I need to defend this faith and this God I proclaim.

1 Peter 3:15-16
But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

Here is a conversaton he had with someone who left a comment on one of his posts.

1 Corinthians 1:18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.

--

The gospel goes against alot of the things this self-seeking, self-exalting, self-serving world proclaims. It's seriously riding aginst the current of the world and more and more I'm learning that the gospel does seem foolish in the eyes of this world. The more I see this, the more I'm encouraged to really strive to be the "salt" that God calls us to be. I never really understood what this meant-- I dont really like salty things! But regardless, I wish that He would use me to be a salt in this world. To bring flavor to this dark and flavorless world, and to (like, salt) preserve the truth and beauty of Christ in this ever diminishing and rotting away world.

Speaking of salt, who remembers Psalty?
Haha

Let's be salty too

give thanks--mornings, learning alot in class, productive study times, eye-openers, lunch in 20 minutes, the million reminders of Your grace

Oversleeping

2009-05-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

I love sleeping in. I love laying on my bed the night before a sleep-in day. You just lay there staring at the dark ceiling, looking at nothing, but totally quiet and still-- with no urgency to make yourself fall asleep as soon as possible. You just wait for yourself to peacefully fall asleep when your body feels like it and the next day the natural waking up morning just feels so much better. Someitmes I seriously can swear that I can hear the birds chirping, or the sunlight beaming through my window blinds even though its on the opposite side of my room.

I didn't mean to sleep in today. An unintentional, unplanned "sleep in" is an unfortunate and disappointing "oversleep". There's something extremely depressing and disappointing about oversleeping. Anytime I over sleep and miss something I feel miserable the whole day. Everything seems half as good, half as exciting. 2 doses of Nyquil zombied me 3 hours more than I was supposed to and I was unable to help the set up team this morning.

I slumped and sulk around all day feeling like a failure. Anything un-positive that anyone implied or said around me felt like a stab of a dagger, every cold gesture felt like a slap in the face. My sensitized emotions and the guarded posture of my heart made me restless. I dragged my feet into my room today after the day was over, looked around at my room and just felt like an even bigger epic failure. Thinking about finishing off this quarter is both liberating and exhausting. Just thinking about it wears me out. There is just so much to do any so little time .. and on my oversleeping, tired and sensitive days everything just seems alot worse than it is.

But then I think back and remember what great blessings I have, the countless things I have to be thankful for, the countless reasons to rejoice. No matter how great the mountain or how ginormous the monster seems to be, I have the tools, strength, energy and weapons to over come it. Even for the petty things like finals, or my lack of self confidence, my fear of man, the 400 lecture slides I will have to go over, the nights of oversleeping that seem so scary and overwhelming-- I have every reason to feel confident and ready for victory, because the victory has already been won for me.

As messed up, messy, gross, disgusting, tired, weary, impossible, incapable, dirty, filthy, broken or helpless I feel-- I'm so thankful that He gives me what I need to get up and try harder the next time. I came into my room, staring at the shambles and the overwhelming amount of pigsty I had to re-order. I felt defeated. Literally. I didnt want to do anything. But within minutes I was up and running-- picking up one thing at a time, putting this and that away, and my room is now clean, I have a towel at hand--ready for the shower that will help me end the beginning of this new week.

If I can get through that much,
I can do this too :) Lets do this

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might...therefore, take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day and having done all, to stand firm...To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints." Ephesians 6:10-20

Give thanks-- Sundays, To-Do lists, post its, dinners, all of my newly baptized friends, being refreshed and encouraged by the testimony of God's faithfulness in them, reassurance, the armor of God that equipps me, week 10 in all its excitement :)

Good sighs

2009-05-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

Do you know what I'm talking about when I say good sigh? I know some people who only sigh alot when they're sad. I sigh when I'm tired or after I eat too much. I sigh quietly when my feelings get hurt or when I see a bad grade for a test I studied hard for.

I love good sighs.
Sighs after someone says they've been thinking about you. Sighs when you finally get to talk to someone you've been wanting to talk to for weeks. Sighs when you get a hug from your parents after a long day.

I sighed alot of good sighs today. and it was because I finally got to study.
I sat down today for a good 5 hours and studied productively for those entire 5 hours. I finished 2 weeks worth of material and I sighed throughout. I felt relieved and happy. I felt satisfied. This is a really lame post haha. But when I think about today, I just remember all those times I'd sit back and just sigh. It was a beautiful day outside, and it was a perfect day for good sighs.

The panic and stress that would be appropirate for the situation I'm in right now (regarding school), such sighs would seem inappropriate. But it's amazing the kind of peace and easy this God of comfort can bring.

No matter how behind I feel, or how little progress I feel like I'm making, I never feel like I have a reason to grow weary or discouraged. As stressed and complainy I've been this entire year, I'm thankful that God's allowed me to see how deeply rooted I am and how sustained I can feel because He is holding me.

We serve an outstretched-arm God.
A God who created everything in this earth, who controls every ray of sunshine and leads the waves to the surface; A God who painted the sky and crafted every man; The God who holds the entire universe in His hand.

To think that that God would oustretch His hand to me
That's crazy

What's there to be so scared about anyway?

with a mighty hand and outstretched arm; His love endures forever.
Psalms 136:12

---

Today is apple pie day
Justin did most of it
but here it is

Give thanks-- spending time with Pastor Aaron and Tina, fellowship in Christ, Iron Chef 2009, productive studying, beautiful days, the unshakeable joy that I'm allowed to have

I cant wait!

2009-05-22T18:22:00.001-07:00

So, today I enrolled for my classes for Fall quarter of my Junior year..

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

I'm so excited even just looking at this schedule I'm so excited even though it doesnt say much about anything except for a bunch of Nur Sci things but I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone tells me to prepare myself for the hardest ever, but despite what anyone says I'm still more excited than scared or nervous! I know it's gonna be tough, dont get me wrong. In no way am I undermining or underestimating the amount of work, studying, devotion, dedication, diligence, stress, energy, strength this is going to require next year-- but I'm so excited to train myself to be the best student I could be so that I could be the best nurse that I could be so that ultimately I could be used by Him the best that I could possibly be used :)

I'm so excited
I swear I'm going to sleep in my scrubs the day I get them...AHHH

Give thanks--- being home, excitement and confidence even in front of ginormous mountains

When I grow up I want to be a jar of clay

2009-05-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've never really been a confident person.

I was always surrounded around people who were always better than me. (I'm trying so hard not to have a pity party or sound emo right now...haha) If you ever ask me about my sisters, I always say that Audrey got the talented and funny genes (she's honestly good at everything--singing, dancing, drawing, pure genius at everything she pursues) and katherine, my youngest, has the cute and lovable genes. Me? I have the good work ethic. HAHA. I work hard (or try to at least).

I think it's a norm for girls to lack a sense of confidence in ourselves. We are pros at dodging compliments, and have mastered the finding even the "tiniest,-most-trivial-and-insignificant-but-significant-to-us" flaws in ourselves ordeal. I can pull out 5 flaws for you right now: I have baby hairs, I wear makeup, My voice is whiny, I'm too touchy and I cry too easily. Very little and insignificant things that really consume my thoughts on an occassional if not daily basis. I feel like in alot of ways-- the insecurity that I fight within myself has been something that has affected alot of other areas in my life

Recently, I've begun to see how much this insecurity I have has affected the way that I share about my faith. Whenever I'm given the oppurtunity to share, 3 out of 5 of the times I shy away, or I graze over it-- completely missing the oppurtunity, absolutely not doing what I should be doing, and just being a scaredy cat weaksauce 5000.

I'm scared of people. I'm scared of what I wont and cant do. I'm scared of what they'll think. I'm scared of what I wont be able to say back. I'm scared I might hurt their feelings. I'm scared that they might think I'm wierd. I'm scared I wont be able to convince them. I'm scared they wont believe me. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared they might get mad at me. I'm scared they might call me religious. I'm scared of cats. I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of knives. Im scared wah wah wah. All of these fears and insecurities that I have keep me from sharing the gospel boldly. It's kept me from proclaiming Christ. I've exploded a humungous picture of my scared face and have failed to magnify Christ.. even to people who are some-what interested. YOU FOOL. you are such a fool, sharon. A scared, pathetic fool.

Recently, I've been learning more and more that evangelism is not converting someone. It's not winning saints. It's not about holding hands with an unbeliever and praying with them the prayer or repentance, bringing them to their salvation. Evangelism is our call to be obedient in sharing this gospel. Our calling is not "CONVERT" but it is to "GO". I mean, of course it is our hope that by our obedient efforts, God would use us to bring people into His Kingdom.. but even when it doesnt happen, I have not failed to be obedient to evangelize just because I come back emptyhanded.

I remember one thing Pastor Aaron always reminds me is "to plant seeds". It's not my job to convert them, that's the Spirits job. How foolish I must look trying to do His job. Its like me trying take a Econ major's final for him. or me trying to translate the bible in Chinese. or me trying to give birth to chickens. It's not my place. it's not my job. it's not what I was made to do

I want to be a jar of clay. A plain, simple jar of clay. There's no praise or compliment due to me. There are no flashy designs, no colorful embellishments. But a simple yet useful jar of clay. So that as I hold the treasure of Christ, that all glory would go to Him. Whether I'm proclaiming the gospel to people with words or with my life, that I could denounce myself so that I could announce Christ. So that even in my insecurities, I can feel secure because it was never about me anyway.

Thank God for insecurities. Thank God for my lack of confidence.
Because now I can confidently say that my only confidence comes from Him
and I love it.

----

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather we have renounces secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.....For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said "Let light shine out of darkness" made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ" But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us"

2 Corinthians 4:1-7

----

Give thanks-- the way You refresh me, confidence in You, In-N-out, encouraging conversations, hugs, friends who share blogs, and the oppurtunity You will give me today :)

Airforce daughter

2009-05-15T14:48:00.001-07:00

I thought about David today

My friend and Papajeong, David went to the airforce months ago-- graduated and in school now. Sometimes when I think about him I really am so proud of him, for the decision he made, from the light that he's shining and the kind of airforce tough guy he's growing up to be.

Even though he was in Texas and is now in Missisippi, he never fails to encourage me in so many ways. Whether that be in checking to see how people at home are doing, writing letters, or even sharing what kind of things he's learning in his devotionals-- I realize that we all have the power and the gift to encourage others, despite how far away we are.

I fail to encourage the people within a 10-ft vicinity around me on a daily basis-- and here's David, striving to be a good witness to those he is entitled with, laboring for the sake of growing in righteousness in a time and place where he is apart from close brothers and sisters and the church, and making intentional efforts on a daily, weekly basis to encourage those back at home.

It encourages me because it challenges me to do all the more.

I am a proud daugther
of an airforce papa..sorta

shirt's a little big though :)

Give thanks-- that it's friday, anticipation for a long lunch date to come in 5 minutes, the week being over, 2 midterms being over, midterms being officially over, prayer, time to pray, people who encourage me, reminders, how You painted a million stars and surrounded me with so many beautiful people to show me a glimpse of Your majesty

Comfort in the midst of fear

2009-05-10T02:18:00.001-07:00

I think recently I've been realizing that this world, and everyone in it-- in one way or another-- are driven by fear. It's sad because sometimes the very motivation we have is fear-driven. Oppurtunities are missed because of our fears. We dont risk because we fear failure. We limit spontaniety in our life because we fear regret. We dont pursue in fear of rejection. We shy our confidence because we fear that people might judge us to be show-offish. We study and cram the night before a test in fear of failing. We cry in times of remorse in anticipation for the feelings of helplessness that's to come. We make petty, impulsive decisions in fear that the chance will pass us by.

Let's admit it. We are all driven by fear.

Fear is something I've always had a hard time with. This world parades around the idea that we need to be equipped with the appropriate gear, uniform and weapons-- so that we could be prepared for whatever comes our way. We need to be ready. We need to be appropriately equipped. We. We, we. weeeeeeee (haha just kidding)

There are alot of things I fear. Rapists, Theifs, knives, guns, murder. Darkness, ferocious animals, capitalistic communism. North Korea, power, untamed animals. People, mistakes, helplnessness, failure, rejection, disapproval, slander, inadeqaucy. It's overwhelming to think about all the things that I have to cower away from on a daily basis. Every heartbeat-racing instance, every "that-was-a-close-one" moment, every time I have to keep my guards up to ensure that I would be as far away as possible from these things I "fear". I always turned to myself in order to conquer these fears. but here I am, sitting in the middle of this black hole constantly being sucked up by the things I fear

These days I've been realizing more and more how un-involved I am in this fear-conquering buisness. I'm riding on the back of someone else's horse. I'm standing on the back row of the army lines. I'm merely holding tightly onto the arm of someone much stronger, much more victorious, much more capable of conquering these fears than I will ever be. I'm so thankful that I'm learning to depend on Him more to fight my battles for me..so what more could I do than to stand here as a witness of His Victories and give Him praise?

Praise Him more, I guess.

The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?

Though an army besiege me,my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.

ps 27

Give thanks-- family time, crabs at redondo, deep naps in the car, 5 hours of productive study time, anticipation for what's to come, that You are a Victorious God, that I never have an excuse not to praise You

Improving my serve

2009-05-07T11:30:00.001-07:00

I'm studying right now but I thought I'd drop by and jot down a few things I've been thinking about these days.

To be honest, I consider myself somewhat of a 'servant' in various areas. You can read that and judge right off the bat that I'm giving myself alot more credit than I deserve. When I say servant, I dont mean I'm a humble person who 'serves' willingly, joyfully and graciously. No, to run against that, I'm actually the opposite. (almost). Service, for the majority of my life, was done because of obligation; whether that be by authority or by the authoritative power my desire to please people had overtaken me-- I've always been in positions to serve. I've always been a super people pleaser-- so over the course of my life I've always been doing things for people: whether that was wholeheartedly or reluctantly.

Over the course of my life, I've grown a heart for people. And I can confidently say now that my service now is deeply rooted from my extensive love for people. I love to serve my friends, my family, people who I care about, people who are in need, people who are struggling through a difficult situation, people who need me, people who are above me who happen to need me, and of course myself.

When I began working at starbucks, I had to remind myself on a daily basis that I was going to use this job to improve my serve-- and I believe that through some extent it did. It helped me to do unattractive jobs enthusiastically, to serve people above and below me, to serve customers who had little, if not any respect for me, and I had to really humble and die to myself every single day so that I wouldnt be offended when somebody told me to do their bathroom cleaning job for them. I've gotten awards for cleaning jobs and "lobbying jobs" in the past-- "The Lobby Goddess" they would say, and as small as this medal of honor was, I was thankful for it.

I proudly wore the banner of my servanthood around like some gold metal I've obtained from all I've done thus far, and for a short moment I was proud of myself for the servant I've become. But that's when the ownage came. For the past few days, a handful of people (all random and no relation to each other) have asked me to do petty little favors for them. Most of these favors were not big favors. Not demanding. Not hard to do. Just inconvinent for me and my "busy-I cant-fit-you-in" kind of schedule. Burdened by these requests, so many times I wanted to turn them down and I finally had the boldness to do so. Why? The recognition of these people had little significance to me.

I found myself being a selective-server. I serve who I want to serve, in ways that I choose to follow through. I'm no servant. Just a person who serves for public-recognition, praise of people, and for my own self-righteousness. I wanted to feel like I was good enough. like I was doing enough. I am no servant. If I am as selective as I am, and as picky about where or what to serve in, what kind of servant is that?

I am no more a servant than a person who sketches on the corners of newspapers would be considered a masterpiece-creating artist. I am no more a servant than a person who cooks macaroni and ramen for dinner would be considered a master chef. I am no more a servant than a butterfly is considered a bird merely because it has wings.

I am so prideful and so self-exalting and so self-righteous.
My service disgusts me..

But I wonder, would you spend the rest of your life tending to a blind and deaf old woman who never knew who you were even though you spent each and every day, morning and night, feeding her, bathing her, changing her diapers, combing her hair, reading to her, and learning to love her as family until the day of her death?

---would your answer change if you were to live this way for the rest of your life in silent solitude where nobody would ever know you were doing this?

give thanks-- Your perfect example, getting in owned in the face even when I'm alone, room-cleaning, quiet study times, timbetold concert yesterday, deep sleep that made me miss my class, that You would serve reckless, undeserving sinners like me

Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (matt. 20:26-28)

We are so small

2009-05-06T17:12:00.001-07:00

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

Give thanks-- the gospel ministry, hope, the power of God that exceeds all power and authority on earth

deep breaths

2009-05-03T01:14:00.000-07:00

So for Sister's Appreciation this year, one of the raffles I won was for an Aquarium trip! 5 of the brothers took 6 of the sisters to the Aquarium of the Pacific after a nice, home-made breakfast. Today was my first time at the Aquarium and it was definitely an extremely fun, exciting and surreal experience. All those fish honestly look like those Windows XP virtual desktop screensavers. We all had good laughs today, ate alot of good food, touched alot of sharks and rays, looked at alot of pretty fish and had a really great time. The way they served us so willingly and generously was so encouraging and it really grew my heart to want to serve others back as well. :o)

I love Aquariums! They're so beautiful

Cant believe God made this.. God is so awesome.. haha

Recently I've been trying to train myself to be more productive and efficient with my time, and to be more discerning about where I spend my time, who I invest it in and so on. I'd be happy to say that this week I've improved somewhat, but I am no where near where I should be-- so I guess what I COULD say is that I'm excited to keep getting better at this.

I've been feeling alot of anxiety, confusion, fickleness, and worry about decisions I need to make for the near future, various areas I would like to commit to (or not commit to) and what kind of things I will be capable of handling in the future. I wonder-- is "having the heart" for these things enough? Does it suffice to merely "have the heart for it"? I always thought -- in some cheesy, idealistic way-- that this "having the heart" was more than enough for anyone to handle anything. But the more that I think about it, I find that it's not as true as I sought it out to be.

I have a heart for alot of things, but different commitments, obligations, responsibilites and roles that I possess limit my capabilities of doing every single thing I "have the heart for". So how do I filter out the things that I should hold off or put aside, so that I can ensure that my time and energy and "heart" is really invested in the best and most "excellent" things?

I dont want my ambition to overpower me and I dont want this overflowing passion to be uncontained in a manner where I will flippantly commit to things I will not be able to wholheartedly devote myself to.

If our greatest commandment(s) is to 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' and to 'Love your neighbor as yourself', we should want to invest in the things that will help us to be stretched, yet focused on these 2 things.
hm.. I just need to take a deep breath, clear my mind, and to cement my feet into His word and hold tightly to Him through prayer.

This is what I thought about as I was studying for microbiology today.

--

A cool video alot of people sent me today: Hope it encourages you too
http://www.thedoorpost.com/joy/claytonsstory

Give thanks-- kevin, kelvin, theo, aLocke, and paul for being wonderful brothers, sisters to share them with, the evidence of God's grace in encouraging fellowship, productive study times, power naps, ice cream, laundry days, writing in my bible, tChoi, pastor Aaron, being encouraged, difficult things You help me to understand and scary things you help me to anticipate confidently

Did you rise the sun for me,
and paint a million stars
so I might know Your majesty?

Studying: 3%

2009-05-01T00:21:00.000-07:00

I am officially old.

I have been way tooo tired to study these days, what is wrong with me?!
I've seriously been choosing sleep over EVERYTHING these days.. and I'm really fighting with myself to not sleep cuz I should really be studying..

I wonder if I would feel smarter and more excited to study if I had glasses:

and a mole

or maybe librarian glasses, a mole and mustache...

I am such a sleepy weaksauce.. haha

Beautiful Jesus
How may I bless Your heart?
Knees to the earth I bow down to everything You are

Give thanks-- a fun and exhausting day of work, holding hands, home-cooked korean food, paying attention in class, prayerful fellowship, my lovely T, the righteousness of Christ, and the unshakeable hope, joy and confidence I can have because of it

Coffee stains

2009-04-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

You make me smile.

--

There's something seriously beautiful about coffee-stained lecture notes. It happened while I was studying for my Molecular Bio midterm yesterday, and when it happened it sucked. I was carrying something on my lap and it knocked down the large cup of coffee behind it while I was turning to get my notes. Seeing the coffee spill onto my 4 weeks worth of lecture notes was not my favorite.. but with my midterm finished and the pile of stained notes piled on top of each other, i'm thankful for the coffee stains because it brings so much essence to it.

Pastor Peter Chung told Andrew Sata that "Time is made, not found"
and that hit home pretty hard for me. I always complain that I cant find the time to do this or that, that I find that I cant find the time to commit to this, or the reason that I didnt finish this on time was because I just coulndn't find the time. I couldnt find it. Find, find, find, find, kind, mind, chind, rind, pind, find. Find is lame. haha

If I really really wanted to do something. If i really wanted to meet with someone. If I really wanted to invest my heart and my time into something, I would make the time to do it. Whether that be by-- being more productive and not turning on internet while I study, staying up later, sacrificing unnecessary leisures-- I would make the time to do it. to accomplish it. to have it in the palm of my hands. I would go across oceans and run miles and work my heart out to make the time to do it (ok, maybe not run miles-- i hate running.)

Time is made,
not
found

I think you can really judge the thoughts, desires, and intentions of someone's heart by the priorities they tend to on a daily basis. If my heart was absolutely consumed and held captive by the things I claim to be "important", why would I put trivial and insignificant things before it?
Obviously, my heart is elsewhere.

I desperately need re-focusing. now.

Goodbye,

give thanks-- spinach dip, finishing my molecular midterm, Jesus seminar, costco samples, cartalks, that You are a sovereign God, the way You judge the thoughts and intentions of my heart and the way it freaking owns me in the face, the strength and hope you provide for me to try again after being owned, that you can clean my stains even though they are more hardcore than coffee stains

Shower me
with Your love
washing
my filthy
stains

Molecular Biology: Midterm 1

2009-04-28T01:08:00.000-07:00

This was how I studied today

And why my Lack of confidence in this midterm is 10%.. haha

But I will sleep. Goodnight!

Give thanks-- praying with my dear brothers memo & theo, laughing with tracy, esther's voice, prayer, hope even in the midst of my helplessness for this midterm, peace in You

Resolution..ary

2009-04-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

I love resolutions. I know people hate them because they always end up giving up on them after a couple of weeks or so, but it doesnt hurt to make them anyway!

I probably think of 20 resolutions a day. Whether it be things I want to change, behaviors I want to avoid, attitudes I want to develop, words I want to hold back and joys I want to bring. But today I thought of 4 repeatedly, so I thought I'd share..

1) Resolved.. to be more responsible especially with money.

I found that I spend money, alot. Even if its not always for useless things, I could always be more careful and discerning with it. So.. I've decided to save all my receipts in an envelope. Yes all of them. Every single one. Hopefully this will make me more aware of just how much I'm spending and i'll be able to be more cautious about where I spend it so I can invest it in the more important things!

2) Resolved..to drink alot more water.

I know this one is silly and seems like common sense-- but I really dont think i drink enough water. I think its humanly unhealthy how much I DONT drink water............... so I'm going to carry this water bottle around again. I bought it like a year ago and I think I put water in it like 3 times... I used to fill it with juice..and coffee..but no more. Only water I say!

3) Resolved......to eat healthier.

I think I eat healthy on a regular basis but I can definitely eat more healthy. I feel so grossy these days. So more healthy..(although, I dont know how healthy eggs are.. haha)

4) Resolved..to keep my apartment clean!

I think it takes alot of humilty and selflessness to live in an apartment. As selfless and caring you think you are,I think you're most tested when you live in an apartment that seems hopelessly dirty.. But I want to be better about keeping it not messy (as in, putting things away when they're out and rotting away) and clean (as in wiping down the sink and table on a regular basis...) I've been trying to clean it more these days and it feels really nice sitting on the kitchen table now :o)

Those are 4 of many more to come hopefully....
Have a good day!

P.S. I have a Bio Midterm tomorrow and I am seriously not ready.. hahahah oh well.
I'll review later.

Give thanks-- productive study times at Starbucks, good-tasting water, korean instant curry and rice, the surprise mango ice cream I found in the freezer, clean apartments, watching my sweat drip at the ARC (so exciting), tracy

Decisions decisions..

2009-04-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

There are so many decisions we make everyday.
What am I going to eat. What am I going to wear. What shoes match with this. Should I straighten or curl my hair. Should I eat breakfast? What should I eat for breakfast? I think this is spoiled, should I eat it anyway..or not? Should I pray..or will I be late.. should I pray anyway? Should I read? When can I read today? Should I say this even though it sucks but its funny? Should I tell them this thing about myself? Should I lie? Should I stay quiet? Should I use a pencil or pen? Should I ask them? Should I try harder to not laugh out loud? Should I encourage them? Should I go to the bathroom now or wait?

These are just examples of a fraction of the questions I've asked myself through this day alone. Right now I'm debating whether I should sleep early or if I should stay up and study for a few hours. (I have a bio midterm on Tuesday) and I've decided to sleep.

Another decision I made today was whether or not I was going to buy a Hazelnut Latte at Coffeebean today. If you've been reading my blog, there have been several posts just about how much I love Coffeebean's hazel nut latte. I stayed there for a good 2 hours but left without the precious HZL. Why? because I knew I didnt need it. Because I knew it'd waste my money. and because I knew it'd contribute to the unhealthy gaining of weight that could possibly and conveniently add itself to.

---

However, there was a more important decision I had to make at coffeebean today. It was a really nice day outside so I decided to stay on the tables outside of Coffeebean to spend a little bit of time catching up on YOTB(Year of the Bible, which is a bible reading plan that I'm doing with my church). I've been behind for some time (like...a few weeks or more behind) on the Old Testment, and although I've considered stopping the plan altogther and starting it again sometime later, I decided to commit to it and just catch up in the Old Testament on my own so that I could understand it better. I decided to start on 1 Samuel so I could gain a better understanding of what's actually happening, when a man sitting in the table next to me turned and greeted me.

It was the normal "interested and curious" kind of conversation starter. What are you reading? Are you Jewish? Do you go to Sunday School? Why are you reading that? He was Jewish, was extremely familiar with the Old Testament (which I am not... sigh) and was a devout Judeast. (is that what you call them?) I had just finished reading chapters 1-3 and he was summarizing it for me. Although I knew the summary myself, it astounded me to see how much he knew. It was obvious that he was trying to convert me. He claimed that there was only one God and I assured him that I believed that too. I asked him what the major differences were between Christianity and Judeasm and he told me that he believed that God was God and that Jesus was a man. Jesus died because Rome was scared of the influence he was causing. He didnt care about heaven because he just wanted to live a good life here on earth. He knew he wasnt good enough to be right before God but he said trying his best would've been enough.

I tried my best not to be pushy, and tried to avoid any possible offense that could have come out of it. His rolling of eyes and sighs of disapproval were discouraging.. and I was frustrated with myself because I was unable to back up every single thing I was proclaiming with Scripture. What made it harder was that he thought that the New Testament was useless. He didnt believe in this Christ. in my Christ. I felt so frustrated and broken for him. and yet I lacked the knowledge, boldness and confidence in this faith I professed for that short amount of time. I was really ashamed.

We turned away and proceeded to whatever we were doing. Him to his conversation with his bald old man fellow Jewish friend who previously told me he loved Korean music and korean women and kept winking at me, asking me if I had a boyfriend-- which made me feel sorta uncomfortable..(haha) and I turned back to my bible. He didnt care about the New Testament so I tried to my best to find a passage in the old that professed Christ. I turned to Isaiah 53

He told me he has a Christian friend who is actively pursing Judeasm or something.. I dont know, He has my email. His name was Aaron. Like Moses' brother he says.

When the conversation started, I could have played it off with a smile and tried to act as disinterested as possible to avoid furthering the conversation. I could have politely excused myself so that I could order a drink inside and be along my merryway. I could have decided to ignore him. And if I'm to be honest, for a second or two I really wanted to. I knew I wasnt ready. I knew he was Jewish. I knew he would bash on Christ. (somewhat, at least) but I knew that I would never be prepared for such a fight anyway. It wasnt my story to share, my truth to tell. I read in The Gospel and Personal Evangelism (by Tim Keller) that our calling to 'evangelize' isnt to convert, isnt to change the mind of some Jewish and bring them to a Christian church and have a Christian faith, it's not holding the hands of this non-believer and praying the prayer or repentance. Evangelism in itself is to merely be faithful to this message that we have, that we believe, that we bank on, and the very message that sustains the new lives we live and the new man that we are now.

It's not my job's to change his heart and make sure that he believes. That's the Spirit's job! How dare I try to steal???! mine is just to share what I know and believe to be truth. My analogy for this is, I pour the lemonade powder into the glass of water. But I am merely the pour-er, and the Spirit is the spoon that stirs this message until it dissolves and the hydrogen bonds of the water and the powder mix bind to become lemonade.

Probably a wrong and butchered analogy, but I hope people will keep pouring into the Aaron Water.

So many decisions. I need to sleep. haha

Here are some pictures from Sister's Appreciation 09 :) Super cute. from garnet.

I love bodyworship.

Our class boys, I love.

I'm so thankful.
Molecular Biology study day tomorrow, lets do this

Give thanks-- Aaron, Coffeebean, Berean's members meeting, Berean-- a church I've grown to love like family, Study sessions, patience, trying to have better discernment, decision making, Beautiful weather, switching car positions with ewG, people who make me laugh, sleeping early, cheesecake

A tired blog entry

2009-04-22T00:53:00.001-07:00

So I took my Microbiology midterm today and I really should be studying for my Molecular Biology midterm but I am honestly way too tired. Let me show you how I'm sitting right now. I'll take a picture RIGHT this second, right in the position I'm in without moving from where I am..

Ready?!

No joke. I know you cant really see it but its because I'm sitting in a really wierd angle to lay my head on my shoulder... yes my OWN shoulder HAHA shameful.

Anyways- these days have been quite enlightening. I feel like I'm realizing and learning alot of things and it's rather exciting. I will share some other time though-- it is way too late and it is way passed my bedtime.

But before I sleep, let's play a game. I'm going to randomly choose 5 pictures from my facebook and talk about them. Why? I dont know. What for? No idea. just because I'm tired and I want to haha (Sharon tired equals no good because I become selfish...... )

These are really going to be chosen at random.

Page 49, Album 3, Photo 22

This is my sister's 8th grade graduation. I remember I looked so gross at her graduation....... I wore this nasty teal sweater and it was too short for me so I looked stunted. But this was the moment my sister saw my dad. I think she looked really pretty and I really like that dress-- but in this picture it looks like she has some eating disorder... we call her skinny bone jones. My cousin David calls her "Bones" for short. Audrey's nickname is "fro" and I'm "chubbs" :*o( He hates me

Page 43 Album 1 Picture 6

This was outside of the pool that I swam in all of summer 07, the summer before I went to college. We called ourselves KSB (I didnt make the name up THANK GOODNESS) and I dont know what it stood for but it was Korean...something... Brothers. shameful. We probably swam here 50+ times that summer. We spent the entire summer together-- we'd meet, eat, go and jam and someone's house and do nothing. I liked this picture because that red flower just randomly grew on the bed of white flowers. Something so interestingly, mysteriously beautiful about it no?

Page 4 Album 2 Picture 20

This is my uncle from Australia. He doesnt have an Australian accent because he only lived in Australia for about 2 years now I think. But when I went this past winter break, he made me give him a real photoshoot for his advertisements: like 300 frames, 3 outfit changes, 5 background changes, flower holding, book holding, wall touching, smiling, serious face and all of the above. it was legit. and he is a gangster. Now that I think about it, he said he'd give me 100 dollars if I did a good job..........I guess i didnt do a good job :o( haha

Page 7 Album 4 Picture 12

This is such a random picture... hahah. This was CCM fall banquet 2008. These boys (Mark and Travis) are both seniors, both dark, both semi-softspoken but very very very nice. I'd say they would fit in my top 20 for sure. Mark is good at Basketball, is from SD so knows how the real mexican food goes down, cooks and dances really well, and spent 12 hours in the car with me driving me to and from Norcal last summer. I saw a picture of Travis before I came to Irvine on Garnet's facebook while I was in high school and I really really really thought he looked like a monkey. I dont think that anymore, but I do think he is very nice. I hear he has to concentrate very hard when he drives, makes really funny jokes (when girls arent around), and plays drums really well. I remember last year he had some medical discomfort slash problem and Esther actually gave it a name "LARRY". how sad. haha He also likes short shorts (just kidding) but Travis is the nicest guy in the world for many reasons but mostly because He shows us grace even when we joke with him.

Page 10 Album 1 Picture 9

This was the Berean College Ministry at BBQ Kick off. It was in the beginning of the school year when we were kicking-off the new year of our ministry. I remember this day was really nice: beautiful weather, lake in the park, good food, lovely people and overall, just a really great time. This was probably the shot that I took when I was testing out my self-timer (hence, the reason why I'm not in it-- but regardless....) it's a nice picture of everyone. Especially Justin (bottom row middle) who looks like he's flaring his nostrils like mad... maybe cuz i'm not in the picture :o) He's my friend

Page 11 Album 3 Picture 23

This is Kevin. This was sometime during last summer when I drove to La Crescenta to see his home town. This picture is decieving because we actually went to The grove with Robin, Isabel and Connie who are not in the picture-- but this day was weird. While the girls were shopping, I remember me and Kevin had to sit at Borders and we had a conversation. That's as much detail as I can go into right now.. i'm too tired. I've known Kevin for almost 2 years now. He likes wearing his UCI sweats and basketball shorts. He always wears that brown collar shirt he's wearing now, and wears plaids shirts everywhere he goes (seriously everywhere). He loves sushi and eats really fast. Drinks about 3-4 large cups of water per meal. He loves wrestling, has a silent laughter for the most part and is very honest with me at all times. (sometimes it hurts my feelings but I dont think he cares) but I appreciate it. or I try to at least.

well there's my 5.
That was pretty fun. I hope you guys were entertained.
maybe I'll try it again next time

Goodnight!

p.s. Today I accidently scratched the sidewindow of my car .. I hate parking. I am so sad my heart joggum hurted like forreals. I wonder if this is what it feels like when you see your baby scab it's knee for the first time?! cuz that's how it felt. my heart hurted.

Give thanks -- first midterm being done, feeling ready to study more for molecular, anticipation for sleep, the book of James, putting yesterday behind us over some fast fish, starbucks, things that make "cents", sweet fellowship with Him in the word, water bottles, the beautiful and perfect example You are for us, hope and strength that You provide to help me follow it

Iron-ish things that sharpen me

2009-04-20T21:08:00.001-07:00

The problem for those of us with this fork-in-the-eye approach to planning is that during each day the most urgent requests will compete with and distract from the most important goals and priorities of our lives. Each day the number of requests we receive normally outnumber the time allotted for the day. My experience confirms that if I fail to attack my week with theologically informed planning, my week attacks me with an onslaught of the urgent. And I end up devoting more time to the urgent than the important.

And at the end of the week there is a low-grade guilt and dissatisfaction in my soul, because I’ve neglected to do the truly important stuff. I want to have as few weeks like this as possible in whatever time remains for me to serve the Savior. _CJ Mahaney

Valley Of Vision -- "Humility In Service"

Mighty God,

I humble myself for faculties misused,
opportunities neglected,
words ill-advised,
I repent of my folly and inconsiderate ways,
my broken resolutions, untrue service,
my backsliding steps,
my vain thoughts.

O bury my sins in the ocean of Jesus’ blood
and let no evil result from my fretful temper,
unseemly behaviour, provoking pettiness.

If by unkindness I have wounded or hurt another,
do thou pour in the balm of heavenly consolation;
If I have turned coldly from need, misery, grief,
do not in just anger forsake me:
If I have withheld relief from penury and pain,
do not withhold thy gracious bounty from me.

If I have shunned those who have offended me,
keep open the door of thy heart to my need.

Fill me with an over-flowing ocean of compassion,
the reign of love my motive,
the law of love my rule.

O thou God of all grace, make me more thankful, more humble;
Inspire me with a deep sense of my unworthiness arising from
the depravity of my nature, my omitted duties,
my unimproved advantages, thy commands violated by me.

With all my calls to gratitude and joy may I remember
that I have reason for sorrow and humiliation;

O give me repentance unto life;

Cement my oneness with my blessed Lord,
that faith may adhere to him more immovably,
that love may entwine itself round him more tightly,
that his Spirit may pervade every fibre of my being.

Then send me out to make him known to my fellow-men.

Every blessing

2009-04-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

....you pour out
I'll turn back to praise.

So I got a car.
my dad made me :( hahaha

I really am so undeserving of it and I'm so thankful
There's not much I can really say in describing how I feel about this, I'm still in disbelief-- but I really am excited and happy that I finally have a car. I really want to utilize this car so that I could better serve everyone around me in any and every way that I can. and now that I actually have a car I can drive-- I can finally be more efficient and helpful than before. :o)

I hope and pray that through this blessing, I could really give as much (if not more) than what I've received.

The way it sounds in my heart and the way I'm writing it here sounds weird
so I will stop
this week is going to be tiring
but not tiring enough to slow me down
..hopefully.

Note to self:
1) I promise Pomona Brian I'd take him to eat lunch when I got my car (promised him 6th grade)
2) same for Won Lee
3) lunch dates
4) No more asking for Albetson/Target Runs (I know you're happy, I hate you)
5) I can drive people to church and bible study now :)
6) I can go home now!

This entry sucks
it sounded alot better in my head

Thank you for all those who've driven me everywhere for the past 19 years (whether that be grocery shopping, to coffee bean, target, gateway to study at night, to eat, to church, home, anywhere and everywhere i needed) -- for this year at least, I would like to thank Esther Lee, Ewg Tseng and Kevin Yoon oh and Alex Yi when he didnt forget about me (haha just kidding Alex, I really am thankful). I am indebted to you guys-- please ask me anytime. eveyone, ask me anytime. unless I have class. or work. or church.

Give thanks--- the soon-to-come oppurtunities to serve with this blessing, sundays, berean sunday worship service, the fact that our God is sovereign but personal, small group dinners, ipods, progress, a full day of studying tomorrow

Evidence of grace in my life.

2009-04-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

It is at times like these when I know that it could only be by God's grace that I am the way I am, opposed to who I was before. I know I'm not anywhere near perfect right now-- I'm not even good most of the time.

However, I found this random xanga entry I wrote in 2004 (I cant believe that was 5 years ago...) and I am utterly ashamed of myself. I hope that everyone can see how different I've become since then, because I can definitely definitely see it. There are a few things that still apply, I guess. The same insecurities, and hobbies of course. But I'm really sitting here so ashamed of who I was and hoping to death that I am nowhere near who this person was 5 years ago....

God is real. He has to be, there coulda been no other way...haha
This is embarrassing, but this was me 2004.
Evidence of God's grace in my life part 1

100 things about Sharon
1. I'm not pretty, nice, or skinny, but sometimes, i pretend i am.
2. I have an obsession with hats, but i dont have alot.
3. I love to go to shopping and not buy anything.
4. I like to sing in the shower and hear my echo, even though my sisters complain.
5. I eat more than my whole family put together.
6. I dont know how to dance, but sometimes when I'm alone, I dance by myself in the dark.
7. I sing alot, even though I know I cant.
8. Theres no one I really hate, but even if I did, I wouldnt mention it alot.
9. I cant do more than 10 pushups at a time.
10. I like to watch t.v. until I cant feel my legs.
11. I dont know how to burp, but I wish I did.
12. I like it when people compliment me, even though I dont believe em half the time.
13. I get easily irritated online if I'm busy and you I-M me continuously and say nothing important.
14. I like to be nice to people, even though I'm not alot of times.
15. I say "whatever" alot and I say "shuttup" and "loser" and "retard" alot. If I call you it, dont take it seriously.
16. I hate smokers and druggies
17. I'm a little gangster. JK. I hate wanksters.
18. I'm easily jealous.
19. The smallest thing can kill my mood, but at the same time, the smallest thing can make my day.
20. I dig guys who sing good.
21. Good looking guys make my heart melt.
22. I've been obsessed with Backstreet Boys, Nsync and 98degrees for some time now. Dont Hate
23. I'm unpredictable. Most times.
24. Pink, Yellow, Tan, Black, and Red are my favorite colors.
25. I love it when I feel loved.
26. I take things for granted.
27. My nickname is spongebob, even though he pisses me off sometimes.
28. I like holding mics in front of a large audience.
29. Even without trying, I do stupid things in public.
30. I laugh and smile alot.
31. I'm good at conceiling my feelings.
32. I gossip alot, but nothing really extremely bad.
33. I hate change.
34. I live, eat, sleep, breathe, LOVE music.
35. One phonecall can make someone my best friend.
36. Me and my sisters have a little group--P.I.S; PinkyItchyStinky..
37. When I like someone, I look at their profile about 50 times a day, even if its empty.
38. I dont like going to school, but I like working hard, sometimes.
39. I like writing poems.
40. I love long, deep conversations.
41. I love hugs more than candy.
42. I dont eat for the hunger, I eat cuz its fun.
43. I dont dress like those really hot sexy girls who try hard to impress, I wear whatevers comfortable, regardless of how it looks.
44. I'm not a tomboy
45. I like things being pretty and neat.
46. Everything I touch dies.
47. I have a heart of a little kid, which makes me stupid, sometimes.
48. I dont PMS when I'm on my rag, I think i do it all the time.
49. I hate it when people hate me or are mad at me.
50. I have been the man of every relationship, but no more.
51. I'm either always TOO STUPID or too nice. im think im just stupid.
52. I like eating my oreos soggy, after I dip em in milk.
53. I use money like its nothing.
54. I've never cut my hair without regretting it before.
55. I never really worry or bother to worry about anything.
56. It's hard for me to trust people.
57. My biggest struggle is loving myself.
58. I'm not good with birthday presents.
59. Watching the OC and One Tree Hill makes me wanna have a hott white boyfriend.
60. I am neighbors with Kenny Benson aka DEUCE and Steven Jew aka PLATINUM (former members of the SWC)
61. When I was little I used to grab a big spoon and sing into it, in front of my dolls.
62. I wanna be a pediatrican when I grow up. cuz I love kids.
63. I used to teach little 6year olds when i was 9.
64. I taught my sister how to read.
65. I'm not good at lying, but I do it all the time.
66. Jesus is my rock, and I would die a million deaths for him.
67. I lived my childhood with Lauren Kim.
68. I used to be in choir, and I loved it.
69. If you get to know me, I'm really loud.
70. I dont like those girls who think their all hot with no eyebrows and a gang load of make up who throw up all their food and flirt with hot ass guys that I would like to date
71. I would marry Kwon Sang Woo and Seung Sung Hun anyday.
72. I can get pretty emotional, but I dont cry too much.
73. I think I'm a big girl.
74. I dream of having the most perfect boyfriend.
75. No ones never really spoiled me before, but I wish I was.
76. I like to sleep in my underwear.
77. People say its easy to get to know me, once you catch my drift.
78. I'm crazy. People who know me, know that. The only person who can catch up with me is Hoolie.
79. Stepho Hwang is my number one lover.
80. I married a fairy and got Eunice Lee. HAHA.
81. I ate 12 slices of pizza one time in my life. Rebecca is my witness.
82. I have over 100 disney videos.
83. When i was little, I wanted to be Sleeping Beauty, Jasmine and Baby Spice.
84. I wish I was cute and HOT
85. I wish I was easier to talk to.
86. I listen to my music full blast.
87. Just last year, I found out what wet dreams and 69 meant. I'm Innocent
89. I go to church alot, and I love it. My church people are A-W-Esome
90. I am Jessica Kim's mini Me.
91. One day, I want to meet Freddie Prince Jr and Kiss him (=
92. I hope people remember me after I die.
93. I hope I make an effect on someone's life.
94. I hope that at my funeral, alot of people would come.
95. I love watching movies with people.
96. I love boys.
97. I like learning new things.
98. I dont like to be judged, assumed by, stereotyped on, or taken advantage of.
99. I never mind anyone( even a stranger) coming up to me with a nice simple conversation.
100. I hope that people know that theres alot more to me than skin and fat. I respect who I am, even though I'm not perfect. I respect who you are, knowing your not perfect. I love people, so dont hesitate to talk to me, or come to me if you ever need someone. I wont push you away, or avoid you. I wont try to change you, or make you better or anything; Because your beautiful, just the way you are.

Dont judge.
and excuse my language.

Give thanks-- College Ministry Serve day car wash, smoothies, nice weather, saturday gateway sessions, anticipation? and the powerful and Almighty God, because only He could've changed me.

He chose me

2009-04-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

"I believe the doctrine of election, because I am quite certain that, if God had not chosen me, I should never have chosen him; and I am sure he chose me before I was born, or else he never would have chosen me afterwards; and he must have elected me for reasons unknown to me, for I never could find any reason in myself why he should have looked upon me with special love. So I am forced to accept that great biblical doctrine" (Charles Spurgeon, A Defense of Calvinism).

Let's love each other!

2009-04-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

So one thing on the list that I wrote in my journal (private one) is that I would love others more.

I feel like recently due to complications in relationships, common misunderstandings and even just the stress from school and all other responsibilties, I've been able to see how much I lack love for others.

Don't take me wrong, I do love you all. But I feel as though alot of times, this love that I have is a love that is defined and refined by the standards of this world-- and in no way is this kind of love strong enough or great enough to surpass any bump that would come along the way. The towers of love that I've established for the people around me will easily shatter down into shambles and whatever strength I feel I have in my heart to overcome it, I will find that it is insufficient and I will fail..

But that's when I need to learn to love with a love that is not defined by the standards of this world, but the very love that is represented and demonstrated on the Cross of Christ. That was the perfect demonstration of the only kind of love that will ever prevail in this universe, let alone world and that is the love that I want!

In striving to establish this kind of love-- my friend tracy (a friend who I really do love without much trouble..ever haha) shared this and I thought it was more than perfect

Six Biblical Guidelines for Loving Each Other

Let’s avoid gossiping.
Let’s identify evidences of grace in each other and speak them to each other and about each other.
Let’s speak criticism directly to each other if we feel the need to speak to others about it.
Let’s look for, and assume, the best motive in the other’s viewpoint, especially when we disagree.
Think often of the magnificent things we hold in common.
Let’s be more amazed that we are forgiven than that we are right. And in that way, let’s shape our relationships by the gospel.

How perfect and applicable.
I'm at gateway right now but I'm gonna try to start it NOW.

Long night of studying ahead and its probably going to take me a total of 19 hours of studying just to catch up in Microbio (I actually calculated it..) but I love you anyway.

Promise

Give thanks-- costco, tracy, journaling, and anticipation for the long night ahead

I like lists

2009-04-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

I've always been a list-person.
What's a list person you ask? I can't function without making lists. I make a list of stuff I have to remember to do the next day, on the night before-- so I dont forget. When I study I make a list of lectures I must go over, pages I must read, and terms I need to remember. I make a list for the books I want to read in the specific order I want to read them in. I make a list of things I need to bring from home, take home and things I want to buy on my way from home. I make a list of people to eat with, emails to send. I make a list of chores to do: laundry, take out the trash, dust the table, wipe down things with alcohol swabs. I make a list of what kind of things I want to buy next time I want to go shopping, and I eliminate in due time so that I dont end up splurging and buying too much. I need to start each day with a to-do list at hand. I am just a very list-y person.

I guess if you've been following my blog for some time you might have noticed. I frequently make lists of goals I have, things I want to fix or imporve on, and if I ever dont have much to say I just make a list of random things I want to share.

Last night before I slept I made about 5 lists about what kind of things take up most of my time, the people and things that I invest my time and energy in the most, what the important things in my life were over the urgent things. I've never realized this, but there is such a big difference between urgent and important. Although urgent things are demanding, and require much from me-- I find that they are not far as vital to my life and my well-being than the important things are. It's hard to distinguish the two, but last night I was able to see how consumed I've been with the urgent things that I've really lost sight of the important.

Since we're talking about lists, I'll leave one before I leave for class.

A few things that I've realized about myself in the past few days

1. I am such a poisonous, evil person inside. My goodness.
2. I have bad time-management
3. I have little if not any patience.
4. I have now resorted to choosing sleep before many things.
5. I lack consistency
6. I am too slow to listen, too quick to speak, and too quick to anger
7. I'm selfish with my time when I'm busy
8. I don't pray enough

My "Catch-up" week is going okay
But I feel overwhelmed because I feel like there is not enough time

Today is a new day!

Give Thanks-- lists, grocery lists, new days, long sleep, realizing how entangled I am via journaling

:o/ sigh

Intro: "Catch Up Week"

2009-04-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

Here's some eye candy before my words attack you

I am not exaggerating when I say I am behind on everything right now.

I fool myself into think that there isn't enough time in a day or in a week to finish all the things I have to do, to be caught up in the various obligations I am responsible for, and to excel in all the things I should be doing superbly in. I know that I am a fool because I am only fooling myself to believe that this is so, in order to justify for the lack of progress I've been making..

So this week will be my official "catch up week". More than anything, I'm determined to catch up in school. It's 3rd week now, meaning that only 2 weeks have passed, so it's not too much to catch up on-- but enough to keep me insanely busy for the next 4-5 days. 4 extremely long lectures of Microbiology to master, 4 material-packed Molecular Biology lectures to understand and 2 weeks worth of Gangs notes to obtain. As of now, it feels impossible but I know that it's not impossible.

I've realized that alot of times when I strive to excel or even accomplish in things that I set my heart to, my mere motivation, determination, inspiration and any other -ations out there will never suffice. I am too prone to grow weary and tired, i'm too easily distracted, too entangled and I give up way too easily. My body shuts out when it gets exhausted, my mind longs to resort to comfortable leisures like sleep and t.v. when I feel like I've done enough-- and in and of myself I will always fall short and fail. Thank God that I'm not limited to my own capacity to accomplish all these things. As impossible and as gruesome the overload of responsibility sounds, I have a warm sense of hope knowing that even if I can't do all these things, I can because of Him.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (philippians 4:13)

It is He who strengthens me, He who provides me with the sufficient determination and diligence I need in order to overcome whatever I have to do.. and with that hope of knowing that it IS indeed possible, How else could I possibly respond than to do all these things in joy? What worry should I have? What discouragement should I allow myself to be brought down by? Of course these are mere words that I don't fully believe in my own heart-- but this is the objective truth that I know and believe to be true--regardless of my silly hard-to-deal with disbelief.

So I'm subscribed to this DailyBibleVerse email, and this was what I found in my inbox today!

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? (romans 8:32)

As I start the ultimate "Catch Up Week" of my life, I want to labor and work hard for the sake of ultimately glorfiying Him. What more would be worth laboring for??? I want to be better and work hard, but in the process I may grow tired, I may get discouraged and my body and mind may fail me because I am such a pathetic weaksauce 99% of the time-- but if God loved me enough to spare His son to save me, why would I even worry about whether or not He would provide me with the strength, motivation and joy to do so?

I'm honestly still really nervous. I feel all jittery! But I'm excited to see how this Catch Up week will turn out as I really do it on His crazy strong fuel instead of my diluted-watered-down one :o) We'll see...

To Do;
_catch up in al my classes
_catch up on yotb
_sleep morea
_pray more
_ARC everyday again :o) fun
_encourage and love

good luck everyone. Run hard

Give thanks-- a day to remember the hope and the surpassing joy we have because He lives, sisters coming to Berean, Katherine's eagerness and Audrey's willingness, people at Berean, grace, beautiful naps, family time, anticipation for the coming week, hope and prayer.

Just a few things

2009-04-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

1)

2) I'm really behind in schoooooool this quarter has so much material its CRAZYS! need to start the gateway buisness again NOW

3) I need to draw out my schedule so that I can find time to ARC every week

4) I miss my family

Give thanks-- Esther, cuz its her birthday today, Berean Good Friday Service, Naps, hunger and 2 study sessions in one day

The best week of my life (maybe)

2009-04-07T21:53:00.000-07:00

Why?
I never knew starting your day right so early would make such a difference. I'd be a liar and a fool and super woman and an alien and a robot if I were to tell you that I wasn't deathly exhausted right now.. I'm pretty exhausted but I cant help but to sit back and just smile in my chair, thinking about how wonderful my days have been.

So today I dropped/added my classes and now I have my official schedule:

How awesome... 3 reasons why I love my schedule this quarter

I have really long breaks in between so I can meet up and eat with people, study or spend time reading if I want :)
My classes are all relatively interesting and I'm really so determined to do well
I have enough time to come home and eat dinner, and go to the ARC for the first time in my college life.

(In the past week, I've gone to the arc more than I've ever gone my entire college career..) Sad, but good for me now! It's exciting and I really love it!

Why I dropped my Women's Studies Class:

These are the notes and readings that I had so far.. I really really really wanted to just suck it up and take it, trying to convince myself that there is some good that could come out of it. But the amount of time, energy, and paper that it took was unacceptable.. haha

I realized that there are so many things that I've entangled myself with that I've really spread myself out too thin.. Last week, T told me that I should evaluate everything in my life and cut away the entangling things that don't help me to love Christ more. There are some things that I can't cut out no matter what (i.e. Studying for long hours, work, church) so I've been trying to discover and look for things I could possibly cut down or even eliminate from my schedule

Maybe that's why this week is so nice..

Give thanks-- the plentiful harvest, the simple beauty of evangelism, being spurred with pLam, Pastor Aaron, gLeong nChao and pLam who swiped us into brandywine, the strength to go to the ARC, the fact that I woke up 20 hours ago but I'm still up, passion week, a slow and beautiful week, phone calls, family, prayer, Jesus Seminar, decaf, encouraging people, set schedules, printed lecutre notes, exhaustion, Your strength in my weakness

The joys of Spring quarter, Passion week and being more cautious

2009-04-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

Let me just start this off with this picture:

This is where I currently stand in studying for the 2nd lecture of my Microbiology class. (The class that I so desperately wanted to get in) I spent 2+ hours studying for this class just now, and I find myself at Slide 40 out of 110. :) How exciting. Mathematically, it will take 3 and a half more hours to finish studying for lecture 2. How cooooooool

My schedule this quarter is really nice because it starts fairly early (9-9:30am) and ends pretty late (4:50pm) but I have really nice, long breaks in between which give me lots of time to read and study! My classes have been somewhat interesting and I'm really determined to get straight A's this quarter (not for the grades so much, but just as a reflection for my whole-hearted devotion to being a good student!) I'm going to be dropping that dreadful, feministic, women-power Women Studies class tomorrow (thank goodness) and I added another gangs class today and it's super exciting because there's alot of friends in that class!

cheers to a (hopefully) intentional Passion Week
Ok, so here's a personal confession.. Every year of my life until this year, Easter has honestly come and gone like nothing. When I look back at all the Easter's I've had previous to this year's upcoming one, all I remember is pink and green egg-hunting at church, looking for the plastic ones with candies inside, singing songs in front of church once, and I also remember we would gather on Good Friday as a church and carry a really huge wooden cross back and forth across the church's parking lot singing songs-- all of which had no affect on me what-so-ever. I feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself as I think back and remember how I actually took part in the cross-carrying event and how I used to do all self-consciously, scared of what my friends would think of me..shameful.

As I was preparing myself for Easter this year, I started to feel really really nervous for this year's Easter. I wanted to make sure that I wouldnt just let it pass by this year.. I brainstormed ideas of things I could do, passages I could read, prayers I could pray and goals that I could have for this week. I resolved to wake up earlier everyday to reflect on the last week of Jesus' life before His crucifiction and to really reflect and devote myself into remembering Him crucified, and the price He had to pay.

I spent an early morning today at a near-by starbucks and seriously, devoting in His word and coming to Him in prayer starts the day off in such a beautiful way.

Along with the daily reading of how Christ spent the last days of His life, I've been reading this book and its been the perfect addition to my week:
I'm really loving it :)

I really hope that I'll use this week to really renew my understanding and knowledge of what Christ has done for me, so that on good Friday when we remember His death that I will come before Him so broken and humbled and in awe of the magnitude of His suffering, and that on Easter Sunday that I will really rejoice as I've never done before and celebrate the great hope that I have now received because He lives. But what I hope for even more is that the weeks after this one reflected the refreshed and renewed joy I have because of my salvation and that my earnest desire to exalt Christ in all things would consume my entire life..

shut. your. mouth.
I feel like if theres one thing that we can always work on, is controlling and being cautious of what we say. There's so much power in words, if you think about it. Words can offend, demean, deceive, manipulate, hurt and discourage when not taken into good consideration. It scares me when I think about how much power I have in my words. People will judge the kind of person I am, the kind of positions I hold on different beliefs, and the very condition of my heart by the things I say. All people are prone to illustrate their own idea of some person by what they say. It scares me when I think about all the times I must've carelessly blurted out something-- and how possibly, to this day they may have created some misconception of who I am and what kind of person I stand to be because of those few-oh-crap-why-did-I-say-that-it-didnt-come-out-the-way-I-meant-it words. But on the other hand, words have so much power to bring joy, hope, love, fulfillment and encouragement to those around us. I cant even recall how many times someone's one-or-two words of encouragement made a miserable day a hopeful one. When I think back to think of how many things I must've said even in the past few hours that I regret, I want to gnaw my teeth out because I know that I can never take them back. What is said can't be unsaid, what people have heard will not easily be forgotten, and the damage I've caused is unrepairable.

sigh, there is no good thing I can say about this or else I would be a hypocrite.. so I hope and pray that we will all resolve to try harder with this. because I know I've been hurt by words before, and I know that I have oftened discouraged because of the fact that I wasnt more careful... I'm really left with nothing to say..

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
James 3:9-12

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching
Hebrews 10:24-25

Haha, Spurgeon is cool.

Give thanks-- prayer, being able to wake up, passion week, delicious bcd lunch with tracy and mel, remembering Christ crucified, productive days, going to the ARC regularly at last, looking forward to sleep, that You are more than enough for me.

spring quarter and starbucks

2009-04-04T00:47:00.000-07:00

wdup spring
1st week gone, and I am more than excited for the following weeks of this quarter to come. This quarter is some-what chill, exciting and interesting already. I will use 5 words to describe my impression on each class so far.

Microbiology (basically: the study of bacteria):
denise bchao 100slides per lecture

Molecular Biology (basically: the study of bacteria)
each lecture slide takesup 1page

Womens Studies (basically: very feministic)
so much reading teacher mumbles

starbucks joy
due to the economy, we have been getting our hours cut like craaaaaazy. I worked 8 hours this past week and this coming week I will be working a total of 4 hours. Cool. but it works out beautifully because it's passion week so it'll give me more time to really consume myself and invest my time and energy into that! I haven't worked as a barista for a while because of my training thing-- and I really miss it. But training has its joys, too

I was gonna write more but i'm tired now
so I'll write later.

ha

Praise the Lord

2009-04-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

Microbiology, let me in

2009-04-01T01:29:00.000-07:00

Reasons why I have to get into this class

It's a prerequisites for Human Physiology which is a class I'm taking for the Summer Session 1
E1o9 (Human Physiology) is why I cant go traveling with Esther during the summer
E1o9 (Human Physiology) is why I cant go to China for Summer Missions this year
If I dont take Microbiology, I will not be allowed to take Human Physiology
I will have to take Microbiology during Summer Session 2 and will no longer be eligible for financial aid in the summer
I will only be enrolled in 8 units because I am only taking 12 units (with Microbiology)
Therefore, I will also be ineligible for my academic year financial aid
I will be heavily in debt in trying to pay for the courses that I am enrolled in
I will be behind in my major
I will be screwed

Oh please let me in

I
I know it seems likely... but there is still a possibility that that person will not drop....and my professor said that the only way I can get in, is if everyone drops.. sigh
Please.........................

Give thanks-- new quarter sweetness, going to the Arc with Jenn, new things, times of refreshing, new beginnings, the sleep I will deeply be in in about 2 minutes, Korean groceries, prayer, College prayer list, Aloe drinks, the fact that I am 1 step away from being in this class (Please let me in....)

Wah

2009-03-31T01:50:00.001-07:00

I dont like what you think of me
or the person you see me to be

but that's okay

Decrease me
Increase yourself in me

End of Spring Break

2009-03-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

My week of being mama is nearly over now. Tomorrow is friday and my parents are finally coming home :) This week has been fun, fulfilling, refreshing, relaxing and yet very very tiring. I feel quite exhausted at this point. Playing mom is not the easiest task, as anticipated. Waking up, dropping up, driving around, shopping for groceries, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner, taking out the trash, even the little tasks like picking up the mail or grabbing the newspaper in the morning...tomorrow I have to do 3 rounds of laundry after I drop Katherine off for school. Right now, we are doing her history project. Man, being a mom is tough!

Sleep is going to be sweet. Going back to school is going to be sweeter. :o)
I'm excited for the quarterly fresh start. List of goals to come..not now though, too tired.

Yesterday I drove to LA to pick up Audrey and I actually dropped her back off a few hours ago.
but it was nice having her here for a day :) we made lunch together!
(pictures later)

sigh I am so tired..........

Give thanks -- a brand new macbook keyboard, phonecalls from old friends, car rides with sisters, starbucks drive thru's, the promise of prayer, how sweet tonight's sleep is going to be (ooooh-wee!)

wowza

2009-03-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

i've been sleeping at 10 every night so far and its 10:30 and im so stinkin tired.. but before I go i wanted to say that these past 2 days (however tiring they may have been) have been quite refreshing. I can definitely say that God has allowed me to be so filled... spending time with my sister has been wonderful. seeing familiar faces every now and then has also been a blessing.
I'm gonna sleep..and it will be yet another wonderful addition to my wonderful day.
:)

here is my cutesy sister for breakfast this morning

Give thanks-- Mark Dever's Gospel and Personal Evangelism, the Apple store for giving me a new charger for free, dancing sessions, leftovers, the quiet solitude of starbucks, reading, praying, rowland heights lunch with eugene and justin, conversations with people I run this race with

The joys of Mama week

2009-03-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

So today was my first Mama's day. It's really fun and exciting and I'm really so happy I can be here with Katherine :) Waking up at 5:30am is the hardest part of it--I was honestly joggum miserable in the beginning.. but I think I'll be okay once I start sleeping earlier.. I made her breakfast with the little ingredients I had: eggs, american cheese slices, onions, tomatoes and bacon-- my attempted but failed omelet breakfast... haha

then I dropped her off at school, picked up the newspaper and folded laundry as I watched the 6oclock news. I really felt like a mom haha. I really want to spend this week investing alot in my sister, and also gaining alot more appreciation for the kind of life my mom has been living for the past 20 years of her life. It's only the first day and its only 10am, but I'm already pretty pooped.
Yesterday, Katherine and I studied for the chem test that she had at 7am today. I hope she did okay.. we also read through Philippians together today before she went to bed. (plz pray for us! hehe)

I've schedule my break so that I'm only out when she's in school so I could spend time with her when she's home. We're going to go grocery shopping together after she gets back from school so we could cook some gourmet dinner... we'll see how that goes :)
I really want this to be a productive, fruitful, relaxing and refreshing break-- and so I've committed to spending alot of time by myself (whether that's outside, inside, in a coffee shop, at a park, in the car, etc) and I want to read more. and pray more. and really be refreshed in that way :) i'm excited.
I'm going to spend some of that time now before I start the rest of my day.
I hope everyone has a fruitful and wonderful break as well. :)
I'll keep you posted on my mommy adventures

We miss you sister, <3

Give thanks-- car rides home, good days that mend bad ones, reading, toast with smart butter, being at home with Katherine, yotb, philippians, looking forward to a refreshing week, prayer that will sustain me through it all

The evidence of grace in my sisters

2009-03-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

I've failed in alot of things in my life-- but one thing in particular that I fail extremely bad in is being a good sister.

Alot of people dont know, but I am the oldest (yes, the oldest....hard to believe, I know) of three girls. I have two younger sisters-- one is a very talented and funny artist at Otis Art School in LA and the other is my baby darling cutie sweet heart, Katherine who is currently a sophmore in high school.

Here, let me formally introduce you to them

Everyone, this is my little sister Audrey

and here's my baby sister, Katherine

And here they are-- they are my pride and joy :)

haha

We're all really different. They have all the good-looking, talented genes. but that's okay, cuz I got the work ethic. (that's all, haha) They're even taller than me.......

(please remember that I am the oldest..)

but we are also very similar.. especially in our meekness..

and

yes.. cant you tell?

We were always relatively close. We always played well together, and got along like any set of friends would. We know each other's secrets, love life stories, regrets, fears, habits-- everything. From the admirable goods.. to the disgustingly shameful bads. I was always thankful for that. They are really like my closest friends..

However----

Despite how close we were, we never really had God-centered conversations and I can say that the times we've spent together have not been very fruitful..This obviously resulted in a shallow, worldy, self-centered relationship. I believe that our love for one another was real, but we were restricted by the standard of "love" in this world and never had anything deeper than a normal,nautral-family-bound-love-and-care for one another. Dont get me wrong, I know that this love in itself is one that is deep, beautiful and stable.. but there is definitely more than that out there.

Today we ate dinner together for the first time. We always go out with our family, but we never ever sat down together at a restraunt to share a meal with just the three of us.. Shamefully, it was the first meal that I formally bought for them. As we were eating, I was ashamed of the kind of sister I've been and the one that I currently was as we sat down eating our burgers. I decided to bring up their salvation-- I was never sure, and I always prayed that they would be but never tried asking them before.

They were taken aback by the blunt question--and one of them even scoffed saying that the conversation was becoming too "serious". I think I can say that it was a semi-awkward-hard-to-get-through time.. but I'm so thankful that it happened.

Later that night we sat down together to pray before Katherine went to bed. She has class at 7am tomorrow so her bed time was at 10. It was 10:30 but we decided to pray together anyway-- I begged them haha. (I would..I know) We sat and shared prayer requests and as they struggled to tell me how they had shamefully fallen back from their spiritual growths, I decided to share the gospel with them. It was something they had heard repeatedly before but I tried my best to help them to understand, to help them un-blind their eyes, so that I could somehow be used by God in softening their hearts.

It was such a beautiful, humbling, heart-warming, joyful time for me. We prayed together and decided to read through Philippians together so that we could keep each other accountable. We made a blog today and there we will share what we are learning, ask questions about things we dont know, and just spur one another on (I really pray this will be affective)

I know that even as I sit here writing this blog, I'm still a really bad sister. Possibly the worst. I dont even know how to be a good sister!!!! As the oldest, I fail as an example, as a dependable role model, as an accessible friend, and as someone that they could feel secure trusting. and in this life of striving to glorify God, in my daily disciplines, I fail really bad as well.

But I find hope in that God can use me, despite my shortcomings and failures, despite my lack of discpline and patience.. and I know that through this, God can now be glorified with our beautiful-but-used-t0-be-worldy-but-hooefully-not-anymore sister relationship, and I hope and pray that He will lead, strengthen and guide me as I really labor hard to help my sisters to grow, learn and love Christ more.

I'm excited and scared. but at the same time, very hopeful.
I strongly believe that one day I will see my sisters come to know Christ the way I have and that they will grow to love the gospel the way that I have grown to love it.

We have a long way to go, and many many many months of laboring to endure through. Alot of barriers to break, foundations to rebuild, questions to answer, conversations to have-- but we'll get there. and I hope that I can continue to share my joy with you..even if its just through this blog :)

Please pray for us.

Give thanks-- audrey and katherine, intentional conversations, the demonstration of God's amazing grace through Christ, coming home, first dinner with sisters, the fact that I have sisters, a chance to start again, the book of philippians, prayer, FINDING OUT THAT I DIDNT FAIL, God's grace in that, joy, the comforts of home, the joy that's in my heart right at this moment.

I'm done!! (and bObba)

2009-03-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

I'm done with finals
and I'm excited to go home and do my list!!!

I'm too tired to write
but I will share something before I go

----

this is about Brian "Pomona" Kim.
So I've known Pomona Brian for a really long time now.

I know, I know..it looks like this picture was taken 20 years ago
....because of how old Disneyland looks in the background..
haha but I assure you he looks the same as he did when this picture was taken :)

I lost my first tooth at his house because i was chewing on ice, I played with his legos, He bought me my first study bible, was my bible study teacher, introduced me to all you can eat sushi, got me addicted to bowling for some time in my life and even bought me bowling shoes (which i still proudly and shamefully wear to this day--proudly because I am so honored to have one especially bought by him..and shamefully because I suck..really bad haha), he used to make me study with him at starbucks and always asked me biblical questions that i never wanted to answer...hahaha (my bad, obba) Oh, and he's like the only person I will ever call "Obba".

Brian played a big role in my "spiritual" life. As I look back, I can vividly remember how he had always tried to reach out to me. He invested so much time, energy, money and love into me so that I would one day learn to really love Christ, and to hopefully one day see me walk the road towards living my life victoriously and eagerly for Him. I can confidently say that I am laboring hard to be on that road--and I really owe Brian alot for that :)

since then, we've come a long way. I'm so happy that I came to Irvine and we could attend the same church again. Even though we dont see each other or meet up often, I still feel very thankful for him and I always feel so much better knowing that I can always go to him if I need anything :)

since then we've come a long way

from serving at Union together

graduations

and even baptisms! (I asked him to do my prayer for me! hehe now you know why..)

Okay, so now for my reason.
The reason I did this long post about him is because today he said something quite surprising. He was telling me that we should grab a meal together during spring break because we havent been able to the entire winter quarter..and then..

huh?! what?! no way......... for a split second I was so surprised slash happy
and then, I read the rest of the sentence..

so I know this all comes off rather confusing.. but you have to understand the context of this story.
"I miss you..and your sisters" = "I miss your sister(s)".

So throughout the years I've known him--regardless of how close we got, he always loved Katherine more...........so I know that when he says this..it is an indirect way of saying that he misses her and he would like to eat dinner with her. I am but a literary tool used to relay this message. My name is like..a verb or an adjective or a conjunction..anything, but what it sounds like..

need proof? please take the time to go up and review all the pictures that we've taken together and see how happy he is to take a picture with me... (answer: not so happy haha)

now my hard, cold evidence:

whaaaaaaaaat the heck? smiling..with teeth. look how happy he looks. .........
Now, let's review and compare his face in the above picture and a repeated one of the below:

But I must add that this is not something that he tries to hide from me. He tells me all the time HAHA

I know that this post is prone to sound bitter and sad, but it's all good fun :) I'm honestly so thankful for him and I know that he cares about me alot and he might feel bad after reading this post (actually, never mind I dont think he will.) But regardless, I just thought it was funny. and his "I miss you------" did catch me by surprise. and I'm glad it shocked me the way it did, because it helped me to look back and see God's faithfulness to me being so demonstrated by Brian's love and care for me as a brother.

So here we are. I am very thankful, and he is still doing the closed mouth no teeth smile :)

Obba, if you are reading this.......let me be your flower girl. please. thats all I ask.

give thanks -- starbucks drinks that make me happy, being done with finals, God's faithfulness to me through this quarter, finishing biochem for life, going home, waiting for friday's celebration!!!, spring break excitement, the fact that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh new start, Brian "pomona" Kim Obba

on end-of-the-quarter evaluations, sustained hope in His love for me, and the joys of rewarding myself

2009-03-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

Finals week is here! and I actually just finished my first final (for Drugs and the brain) and although I really didn't study for it because I was studying for Biochemistry, I think I will pass the class! (I'm taking it pass no pass thank goodness..) Because I'm done with one, I have this really big feeling of peace and joy in my heart-- so do you readers mind if I splurge? and write a whole lot?? :o)

My dear friend bChao inspired me to do in the beginning of this quarter-- I will end the quarter with end-of-the-quarter reviews (on a un-biased/kinda-biased view..and I'll keep it short I promise!)

Biochemistry:
by reputation this is the absolute hardest class I will have to take in my first 2 years as a bio major and so far its been slightly that way. I've studied a total of 9 hours so far for this class and It's only been two lectures. I'm really scared but I know I'll be okay .
Biochem was actually not that bad. Although sometimes I'd freak out about the amount of material, the amount of enzyme names and intermediate structures I had to memorize-- it was a fun experience and taking my own personal notes for that class was honestly my pride and joy this quarter :) I have yet to take my final and I dont know how well I'm going to do in it, but regardless it was a fun ride and I can confidently say that this class taught me not to procrastinate and how to handle my time better!
Drugs and the Brain:
This is actually a random class I'm taking because I'm getting paid to take notes haha. Isnt that cool? I'm taking it pass no pass but its been interesting thus far.
Sigh everything about my review ended up being inaccurate. I ended up not being able to get the job for this class because someone took my spot the day before, and so I ended up being stuck with it. and Although there was possibly about 1 or 2 lectures out of the 30 that were interesting, the rest were so dreadful. I dont think I really learned anything in this class, but it was nice sharing notes with Memo, ninaK and diana..and sending my notes to Kenneth "miserable" Han everytime he'd freak out before the exams.. :) Those were the only highlights of the class hahaa

Prison Gangs
By far, my favorite class this quarter haha. I added it last minute but we just watch videos in class and the teacher cusses all the time but the class goes by really fast.
As anticipated, this class ended up being my favorite class. We watch videos in class, have one essay to do, and no midterms or finals? What's not to love? Despite how interesting and intriguing this class was, it definitely opened up my sheltered and baby eyes to a taste of the real world. There's so much more than what's in my immediate view and the evil and sinfulness of man was made so apparent to me through this class. This world is so scary, and people are so scary, and gangs are so scary.. It made me really scared of gangsters..

Oh maaaaah baaaaad.. (this was me during..10th grade? HAHAHA)

----

So after finishing my first final, I head over to the book store to bring an end to a very big decision I had been wrestling with for a few weeks now. It was a really tough decision and I didn't want to make any hasty, rash choices-- so I made sure to refrain myself until I felt confident that I had spent enough time deliberately thinking about it. After a few weeks of thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that some investments (however huge they may seem to be) are worthwhile! So I did it! I trotted down ring road confidnetly, excited and eager to go in there and bring to a close what my heart had been hanging on for so long. After so many weeks of debating, wrestling, anticipating, and examining the trueness of my heart's desire..I finally bought my Moleskin.

See the thing is, I already have a notebook that is half-written on, but I decided to invest in this $17.95 (+tax) journal. Why? because i want to start over. For a while, I wanted to start a how-to-be-a-better-person-how-to-fix-my-mistakes-how-to-evaluate-my-ugly-heart-and-make-it-pretty kind of "manual" where I could write about and evaluate the different things I struggle with, the things I have a hard time doing, different gifts of mine that God is starting to reveal to me, how to use those gifts, how to fix my mistakes, how to grow from my shortcomings, and so on. Hopefully through this I will be a better person, better sister in Christ, a better daughter , a better sister, a better friend, a better co-worker, a better acquaintance, a better stranger to cross paths with, and hopefully it will build me to be the best wife I could be (?) haha I know I'm a little grossy..

I also bought a set of headphones. My old ones had broken a few weeks ago but I didnt want to buy a new one until I studied enough. So purchasing these 2 things were sort of like my "reward" hehe.... I know it's joggum (a little bit) lame but its honestly making me so happy and smiley inside. haha I know I'm an easy-to-please loser.. dont judge me!

So I sit here, one final down, one more to go, well-rested, moleskin-owning with a nice cold starbucks drink and music ringing through my headphones and I'm ready for more. Let's all be victorious this week. And dependent, more than ever!

Give thanks --unending joy I can always find in You, prayer before sleep, deep sleep, being finished with my first final, my 4-person 3 hour small group, my family, moleskins, music, having the next 2 days to study for biochem, Your grace that fully covers me, Your joy that fully sustains me, the strength to be joyful, random conversations, the how You reassure my faith-lacking heart

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And Earth has nothing I desire but You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. (Psalms 75:25-26)

finals week

2009-03-16T01:25:00.000-07:00

here we go,

Your grace is enough for me

new eyes

2009-03-14T00:51:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite time of the quarter.
The weekend/week-of Finals week.
There's just something about Not having class and having extended study time that excites me.

Just a couple things:
1) Today was the last day of class for this quarter :) How wonderful

I officially got certified today! Had to sit down and explain myself to my boss, was tested on a few things and tried to show her where my heart was. and then I talked to the district manager of Starbucks and he was really niceee :) so whew! so now I'm official. yay

In the midst of studying, God is gearing my heart and tuning it more and more to open my eyes to see the hope that I have in Christ. The hope of heaven, the hope of eternal unity with Him. I want to be like Apostle Paul and long to be with Christ and say confidently that it is better by far than living in this life. I can't say that I confidently feel this way yet.. but I can definitely see how God is giving me "new eyes" to see this world in sight of this hope that I have. Everything I have and everything I am belongs to him: Starting from small things like my apartment room, to biochemistry final, my GPA, my job, to my little-to-nothing skill in piano, my love for ice cream, my clothes--to bigger things like my time, my relationships with people i love, the financial stability of my family, my future, and so on. It's all rightfully His and because it is His, He controls it, gears it, drives, moves and steers it. I am but a participant of this "thing" of His.

Even this life that we live here in life is so short in sight of our hope in heaven. My life is but a breeze, this sophomore year of mine is but a minute and this winter quarter of crazy biochemistry studying, working,etc is just a half-second before the gates of eternity open up before me. So what more could I possibly do in this very short and brief time than to do all I can fervently, eagerly and urgently to glorify and magnify Christ in this dark world before I leave it?

Hopefully I will be able to continuously instill myself with this mindset, that my 'new eyes' will continuously be unblinded and that I would really testify the grace and love of God in all I do even if its via something foolish like making coffee at starbucks at strange hours in the night or sleeplessly studying for biochemistry :)

Give thanks-- no more classes for winter quarter, tenko's bento lunch #2, anticipating next week's sushi run celebration, the refreshing power of prayer, berean bible study, haggai, my journal, refresh tea at starbucks, trainees, getting certified, strength to persevere, strength to study, praying with skye, learning to be patient, learning to be unconditional, the cold sores on my tongue and its infection on my throat, that my God is a 'God of hosts'

seven days

2009-03-12T01:25:00.000-07:00

So I will be officially done with the winter quarter of my 2nd year in 7 days.

Excited? yes. Ecstatic? Just a bit. RELIEVED? almost. Happy? you bet..
until then-- I will have to labor and invest my time, energy, brain strength and concentration to the 2 not-so-bad classes I am taking and the my very dear friend Biochemistry for the last time. I'm not doing too bad, catching up okay-- but I'd be lying to you if I told you I wasn't tired.

The symptoms of a cold slash flu slowly creeps beneath me, and I have to keep fighting it off because I don't want to make eye contact. Why? Why now? Why not a little bit before? Why in the most busiest time of the entire quarter must you come and embrace me? Why! Although the symptoms of this possible sickness creeps up on me, I find so much hope and strength knowing that God carries me. It's when I am most weak when He refreshes me and His big and mighty strength feels most near. How exciting!

Today I realized (yet again) that I am such a failure.
I fail to love. I fail to perserve. I fail to encourage. I fail to be patient. I fail to exalt Christ. I fail to do all things joyfully. I fail fail fail fail fail. I fail to be bold. I fail in sharing the gospel. I fail in being someone of integrity. I fail in being genuine. I fail as a student, daughter, friend, roommates, sister, trainer, etc.... I lack the love, strength, knowledge, understanding, endurance and everything you ever need to do anything in this life. I'm sitting here feeling pretty defeated with my brain really empty and my lack of productivity weighing down on my back.. and let me tell you, it's not a light load. I know I'm blabbing. But let me just say that tomorrow is a new day. and I'm excited to try again.

Things I really want to do after this quarter is over:
1) Read books outside drinking a refreshing drink
2) Reading at a coffee shop on the couches since I dont need a table to write on
3) Playing Piano
4) Go to a Museum of some sort and just slowly walk around
5) Go to the beach
6) Eat a meal with an old friend and have a good conversation
7) Watch movies. (shameful, i know but i really never get to watch tv)
8) Take a mid-day nap
9) Cook dinner for my sister
10) Go to the mall just to walk around
11) Take a walk at the park to write

Here are just a few.
Maybe I'll make a picture blog post later after spring break to see which of these things I did :)

I'm excited.

Give thanks-- In-N-Out's #2 meal, the comfort of wearing sweats, the joy of being a trainee, encouraging friends who I can share evidences of grace with, Hot tea at starbucks, my warm heated bed, Susan Lee (its her birthday today..), remembering God's faithfulness, the fact that tomorrow is a new day where I can try again, anticipating 7 days, 2 productive days of biochem studying, Dexter and his willingness to hear the gospel, the saving power of the gospel, calling my mom, Chuck saving me with a bowl of pho and a Mac Charger (thank you!!!!), scarves, hugs, remembering that Your boundless grace and unconditional love is more than enough for me..

I'm gonna study tomorrow
reading and sleeping now..goodbye!

sharon "weaksauce" lee

2009-03-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

I think God uses my weakest times to show me just how strong He is. It's when I'm the most hopeless when He reveals to me how much hope I can have in clinging to Him. It's when I'm the most tired when He shows me how much strength and energy I can gain from asking Him to provide for me. When people are difficult and relationships are confusing, the sweet embrace of God's unconditional, unchanging love for me feels that much sweeter. When my lack of faith discourages me, His promises renew me. When I am most dry, He refreshes me. Praise God that I'm not always having a good time. Praise God that I'm not always doing well. Praise God that my callous heart frustrates me. Praise God even when I'm 10 biology lectures behind, because it teaches me to persevere and to not depend on my own ability. Praise God even when I lose my laptop charger 1 week before finals week.

It's at times when we am most tired, most weak, most discouraged, most alone, most broken--
when God brings us to our knees and He allows us to be most sensitive to Him.

How sweet would it be to be with Christ now? .
I wish I was as excited for it as Apostle Paul was..
Dang, that guy was craaaaaaazy
til then let's try to live victoriously!

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith... Phil 1:21-27

give thanks-- for the 16 hours of work I have this week because it'll teach me time management, for difficult trainees for it will teach me patience, 14 biology lectures to go over because it will teach me joy in diligence, my not-so-abundant-anymore credit for it will teach me to not be consumed with the things of this world, for friends who i have a hard time understanding for it will teach me to unconditonally love, my lost laptop charger for it will teach me to be thankful when i do get another, ice coffee with toffeenut because it makes my endorphins happy, strangers at gateway because it will teach me to show Christ's love, sleep deprivation because it will cause me to depend on God's grace even when I realllllllllly dont want to, and friends who will encourage me and remind me to always be thankful for these things.

you smell so sweet

2009-03-09T00:54:00.001-07:00

14 biochemistry lectures
9 days til the final
9 days til spring break
9 days til sweet salvation

fix your eyes
no more blurs
rejoice
give thanks
faith increase
love expression
have hope

i cant wait.
freedom in 9 days...

Give thanks-- ppeter's sermon series on the book of colossians, the hope we have, our stretchable and work-in-progress faith, our freedom to love, our call to love, anticipating spring break, anticipating sleep on my nicely-heated bed, a long week ahead that will teach me perserverance, long days that will teach me to rejoice no matter, friends, starbucks twice in 2 hours, new weekly goals, family time, the comfort my parents bring, the joy my sisters bring, learning to treasure You so much that everything else looks like trash, the smell of fresh laundry

goodbye

2009-03-05T19:58:00.000-08:00

time money memories
all these things are lost
time is always passing
the dice is always tossed

they say nothing is forever
they say all things come to pass
but i always liked to think
that everything would last

i thought it'd be forever
minus one day if it were to be
but i never thought that losing you
was something thatd happen to me

i shouldnt have been so careless
shouldve held you when i had the chance
but being here without you
im only left with rants

wherever you are, adapter
be a good use to them for me
ill keep my smile going on
since this is the way it has to be

goodbye adapter.
i hope you are serving your new master well
i'll replace you eventually..

Give thanks-- for the "free" time I now have because brother's appreciation is over, reminding myself of God's sovereignty even with a lost mac book charger, sustained joy, looking forward to sleep, tgi (almost)f, eating brandywine with anthony (who paid for us) and esther, tina , the (0:22) battery life I have left, reprinted bio lecture notes, gmail, esv study bible (and the online version)

Mamma Mia!

2009-03-05T01:42:00.000-08:00

Today was Brother's Appreciation and the theme was "Smash". Overall it was a successful night because (i think) all the brothers felt appreciated and I saw alot of them smiling as they walked out. Seeing them smile and their "thank you"s made these last 2 weeks more than worth it.

I felt like all the girls really poured their hearts into this night and I really hope it showed :) The thing I love about Brother's Appreciation is that it always reminds me just how blessed I am to have these guys in my life-- looking back we've been through alot. In sight of all the things that's happened in this past year, I really cant imagine my life without them :o)

Tracy, Esther and I were (supposedly) the MC's and although we didnt do a greeeeeeat job, our costumes took a long time to make so here we are!

Things I'm excited to do now that BAN is over
1) Sleep more, and earlier!
2) Study more and catch up on everything!
3) Go to the ARC finally, memorizing more!
4) Clean my room and actually spend time in it now!

(aiiiiiiiiiiyayay)
5) Love the brothers, more
6) Love Christ more (these last two are not only because BAN is now over..) haha

I really need to clean my room-
but I will, tomorrow!

Yours,
Sh-ario!

4:00 am?

2009-03-03T04:06:00.000-08:00

Hi, It's 4am and I am tired. But before I sleep I thought I'd post.
I missed an in-class assignment today because I needed a break. I tried to catch up on 4 lectures today but barely finished one. I dont remember the material I've been studying for the past few weeks. I dont think I'm gonna have time to look into it too much until the end of this week. I missed my rehersal today. I have class in 6 hours. My room is a mess. I have so much laundry, I need to catch up on my readings. I'm hungry! My vision is getting blurry, but it's all okay :)

I find such hope in knowing that I'm always given everything I need to go and do things joyfully. The road is paved, the directions are marked. I'm well dressed in the right attire, the tools have been given-- it's just up to me to pick up the pieces and run with it.

So like I've said in the post before, I've been taken off the regular schedule in order to take on my role (officially) as a "Learning Coach" aka "LC"

I trained my 2nd trainee today. It was hard training a stranger (my first trainee was Skye, a cutie friend of mine). Definitely took alot of time and patience but it was also extremely rewarding. I'm so thankful that I've been given a job where I can really get them comfortable and excited to work at starbucks, to teach them and to equip them with the right skill and knowledge they need to be affective, and the grand oppurtunity I have to really represent Christ in the way I serve, and to demonstrate the love of Christ through my patience and joy.

I've found that being in a position where I'm to teach them to be "servants" in such a 'buisness', I can share with them my faith, where I come from, what I stand by, and why I strive to work, love and serve the way that I do. But to be honest, It's really scary.

Sharing my faith with them, showing them my faith in the gospel, and incorporating myself with the person of Christ is what I believed to be something too scary, too risky, too hard. Once I profess my faith, everything I do and say, everyway I react and interact will be carefully observed, analyzed and judged.. My patience will be measured, my joy will be examined, my heart will be tested and I know that people are prone to make judgement and assumptions about me, Christianity and Christ according to my conduct.

It scares me because.. my biggest fear is that due to my failing flesh, I will (in some way, however big or small) misrepresent and taint the name of Christ; It really causes me to tremble in fear thinking that Christ could be demeaned by my sinful, evil and disgusting nature and character. But then I also see the challenge that comes with it-- how this very representation would challenge me to be more discerning, to be more cautious, to be more earnest and strive harder to accurately and effectively be more and more like Christ: in love, in humility, in patience, in faith and in His servant-like, God-exalting, God-glorifying character.

It scares me, but I see the opportunity to plainly be there. It scares and excites me. I fear it and I am grateful for it. So torn... haha but we'll see how it goes. Hopefully I will have the boldness to be firm in the things I profess, and that God will continue to pour down his grace upon me as I (in my pitiful personality and lack of strength) earnestly strive to be a reflection of the perfection I'm called to be..

Give thanks-- strength to stay up this late, laughing, tracy, esther, melissa, candace, my macbook and all the good things that come with it, the moisture that lotion brings, late night talks with esther, honesty, apostle paul's love for the gospel, transferring my hand-written journal habits to private blogspot ones again, looking forward to sleeping warm with my duck

wachu say?!

2009-03-02T00:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I felt my body go into shock for the first time. We went to Switzer falls for a hike and we jumped off a waterfall into freezing cold water (not literally freezing, but it was really really cold). I wasn't prepared for the jump but I remember exactly what it felt like when I jumped into the water. All the muscles in my body tightened, my neck stiffened, my body jerked up in attempt to get my head out of the water so that I could catch a breath. For a split-second I was honestly really scared. I remember breathing really heavily and trying my hardest to paddle myself through the icy cold water onto some surface that could assist me out. I remember clinging onto the rock without thinking or caring about anything else but getting out. Pulling myself onto the rock felt like sweet salvation. I felt my racing heart ease, and I felt the warm rush of my blood flush my face as the not-so-hot weather felt warm again. I dont really remember much from yesterday's hike but I vividly (and will probably always) remember the way my body responded when I fell into the water. There's a reason I wrote this to remind myself of something. My bad for taking up blog space..

Anyway,

There's been so much that's been going on in my mind these days that I dont feel like a blog could do it justice.. So many things are going on inside of me I really feel so confused and eager and anxious and nervous and excited and scared all at the same time. I feel torn between who I am and who I want to be. I would be lying if I told you that I wasn't discouraged at how inadequate I felt in trying to rightly represent and exalt Christ with my life...... I am an epic failure. I am so incapable..

Sigh I dont know what to say really, so I'll just list a few things

Yesterday when I jumped off the waterfall, I belly-flopped into it, everyone had a good laugh. I tried climbing back up the rocks barefoot and I slipped. I now have big bruises/welts/etc on my right thigh and right rib. It looks really cool I wish I could show someone but it would be weird....
For the next 2 weeks I will not be working as a barista but a learning coach! I'm training 2 people this week and I'm really excited.
I want to read more
My camera USB is not letting me upload my pictures/videos onto my computer and it's making me quite sad.................
I have so much to study it's not even funny. I should study right now but I'm really tired..
Yesterday I slept for 9 hours or so and I am so happy but I am so tired again
I love Coffee bean and their Hazelnut Lattes. Iced > Hot, but hot is nice too
I realized (with the help of a friend) that I complain alot..even when I don't mean to. but this week I'm going to try to fix this, along with a few more things..
I really want to be more careful with the things that I say. whether it's to myself (yes, to myself), to friends, to workers, to customers, to anyone. I found that my uncautious attitude towards the words that I say can hinder, hurt and discourage others and in order to eliminate that I need to try harder!
I want to read more books
God provides me with the sufficient time, energy and strength to do everything I need to do
I need to stop being scared of people
I need to eat healthier now!
I want to journal more!

I apologize for this self-absorbed blog post. I just needed it for myself before my week began.

Give thanks-- the feeling you get when you stretch after you sleep, sleep becuase it reminds me of how dependent I am on Your grace, sleep because it reminds me of how weak and needy my weaksauce flesh is, excitement for this upcoming week, (intentional) sophomore prayer meetings, praying for comfort, the unity of Christ in our sophomore class, to do lists, goals, the work You are doing in others, the work You are doing in me.....the presence of Christ even in hard circumstances, coffeebean trips, intentional conversations, the strength and grace You faithfully provide as my weak hands and feeble knees try to exalt You

It drives me to my knees to worship you

2009-02-26T01:25:00.000-08:00

Wonderful Savior
My heart belongs to Thee
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior
My heart will know Your worth
So I will embrace You always as I walk this earth

Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
Be treasured here
Be glorified
I owe my life to You my Lord
Here I am

------

Empty me of all the empty things I hold on to,
I just want to be beautiful for You.

Give thanks-- imputation, Jesus, evidence of God's grace in my life everyday, the beauty of Scripture, Tracy and Esther, late night albatross, cutesy laughs, text messages, sleeping earlier, grace kwon and the way she brings me bread in the morning :o), conversations about You, peppermint white hot chocolate at Starbucks, the irony of the gospel, convicted people who challenge me, the great commission, heavy hearts, CCM, hugs, sleeping earlier, efficient study time, the way You embrace me even when I dont understand..

Fail or Practice?

2009-02-20T23:28:00.001-08:00

This week was probably one of the longest weeks I've ever had in my life and although I set resolutions-- I did not succeed to keep them for long. I honestly feel really exhausted-- mind, body and soul and I'm gonna go to sleep in a few minutes after I close this blog.

I can easily sit here and say that I feel like I failed. My 'making of resolutions' was not enough and my determination and brief-spark of motivation did not suffice in pulling me through and helping me to really achieve these goals. No matter how badly I wanted to achieve these things, my mere determination and desire did not have enough fuel to get me across all the way-- and I was a fool to even think that I was capable of even making it. It's so easy for me to just sit here and feel like a failure-- to really sit and devastate myself over the ways in which I lack, the mistakes that I've made, the places in which I've found myself to be inadequate.. but instead of letting myself think that way, I'll take this past week to have been a practice round!

I got my feet wet, got my uniform in place, scabbed a few knees, blew a few shots of bloodynoses but now I'm ready-- or, i'm more ready than I was last week! Despite how hard things were this week and how busy I'm going to be tomorrow-- I'm excited to see the ways I'm going to be stretched by Him as time continues to pass by.

I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm not enough. but that makes this entire process all the more exciting, doesnt it? There's really so many things I wish I could be better at. So many regrets I've listed in my mind throughout this week. but all in all, I find so many places in which to give God praise for. I feel so bad because I've failed to do that this week alot-- to just lift my hands in praise for all the times He's sustained me, and sufficiently provided for me-- and even just to fall to my knees in prayer, in utter desperation for His Spirit to fill me and to refresh me, and to restore the strength for me to go out and fight again.

I want people to see Christ in me. I want it to shine so bright through me that people will come and ask me what in the world it is, where the heck that 'light' is coming from, and what it is that gives me the unusual joy that is ever so apparent in my life. I am not a sufficient instrument or tool for that kind of position. I'm a rusted metal, a cracked plastic, a useless junk. but our God is a God who can use all to magnify Himself.

So let's try again, and let's do it better than the practice round, and let's start on our knees.
and I will end this again the same way I ended it before---

1) Resolved to sleep earlier so that my lack of will not affect my attitude or the way that I conduct myself during the day
2) Resolved to be faithful in word and prayer
3) Resolved to be a better daughter and sister (by praying for them more and encouraging them more on a weekly basis...)
4) Resolved to reaaaaaaaaally watch what I say and do, and how i conduct myself in public, with friends, with strangers, co-workers, classmates etc so that everyone who sees/interacts with me will know that I love Christ
5) Resolved to love Christ MORE

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. -Coloissians 3:16-17

Give thanks-- starbucks drinks, random naps, intentional conversations, berean bible study, my long-awaited esv study bible which i am growing to love and appreciate so much, dinner with grace leong, end-of-the-week conversations that really challenge and encourage me to be better

ready, set.....

2009-02-17T02:31:00.000-08:00

There is seriously something so personally beautiful about the beginning of the week. I've started a weekly habit for me to clean my room, re-organize my clothes, throw out my trash, set up my binder, and take a deep breath before the new week steps in. It's seriously so refreshing and I honestly get this burst of pleasure from it..

I went home this weekend for the first time since winter break and it was just nice being home: eating home cooked meals that actually taste fresh, sleeping on a big, well-heated bed for as long as I wanted, being able to talk to my family whenever I wanted and give them hugs and kisses every 5 seconds. :o) I absolutely loved it.

I dont really have much to say-- but there are a few things that are on my mind, so I'll just vomit them out. My hair is brown and getting so long I love it. I am so judgemental. I am so impulsive I need to calm down and just let myself process things once in a while without freaking out. I have little integrity when it comes to my character sometimes, I'm so ashamed. I need to pray more. I have a heating pad on my bed and I'm so excited to sleep at night now. Before today, sleeping was so miserable because I was always so cold and my bed always felt clammy :( I have too much pride. I need to set more goals. I am a bad sister and daughter. I am a bad friend. My clean room feels so nice. I want to take a bath. I hope the weather is nice this week. My hands feel dry. I wish I had silver band rings. I have to study alot this week...

So story of the day: so today I had practice for my acapella group from 9pm-11pm. Esther dropped me off (thank you, i love you) and we had a pretty good practice. I still need to practice more but I'm getting there and the practices have been really nice lately-- the people have been helping me alot and it's really fun! I just need to keep practicing. Anyways, I didnt want to ask anyone for a ride back because 1) I feel bad asking 2) I dont want to be burdensome 3) I know all of these reasons sound so stupid and lame and pathetic but i'm sorry. haha and so I decided to walk back. I figured it'd be good excercise anyways and I love walking! its such a nice thinking, listening to music time ;) haha and so I was walking and I tried to be "smart" and take a shortcut so I started to walk up this dirt hill in my boots and because it rained for the past 2 days, it was really muddy and I got stuck in the middle of the hill...............in the mud............and I couldnt go any further up, so I had to put my hands on the mud and climb up..like an animal..or a tarzan..or a loser (take your pick) hahaaha I was so embarrassed but I just wiped my hands on my pants and ran home...here are the remants after i tried to wipe ALL the mud off my hands while I was walking back (I know it looks lame but I swear all of it was on my pants thats why..haha)

note to self: dont walk up muddy hills in your boots

I dont know if I've talked about this here-- i've been talking about it with so many people these days I've lost count. but recently I've memorized Philippians 1:27

"Whatever happens, conduct yourself in a manner worthy of the gospel"

I know that no matter how hard I try I'm always going to fail and be disappointed. but I also know that I need to remember that the grace, strength and joy He provides for me will always suffice in empowering me to keep trying at least. so let's do it. and let's make resolutions (simple ones and nonsimple ones) and give thanks everyday. so here we go.

Resolved to sleep earlier so that my lack of will not affect my attitude or the way that I conduct myself during the day
Resolved to be faithful in word and prayer
Resolved to be a better daughter and sister (by praying for them more and encouraging them more on a weekly basis...)
Resolved to reaaaaaaaaally watch what I say and do, and how i conduct myself in public, with friends, with strangers, co-workers, classmates etc so that everyone who sees/interacts with me will know that I love Christ
Resolved to love Christ MORE

I'm eternally Yours, my King..

Give thanks-- beginning of weeks, berean college ministry, shoulda woulda coulda been hugs, nice rehersals, the warm heating pad that will welcome me to sleep, the confidence I can have in approaching You

woosh

2009-02-12T00:02:00.001-08:00

Hi, I had a hard day today.
Okay I lied-- thinking back to today it wasn't that hard. But alot of things made my heart feel heavy and I feel so exhausted from hauling it around the entire day.

3 things

1) I always say the wrong things.
I am such a failure in so many ways. I don't know how I have friends I am a bad person. ugh

2) I am a pushover
so today this random Italian guy wanted me to help him out with something so I agreed to help him. He said he needed to practice his communication skills so I sat with him in front of University Town Center and let him to talk to me about whatever he talked about. He handed me papers and started explaining things and I was really convinced that his only intention was to have someone to practice his communication skills on. Figures that he is trying to sell me magazines and starts to ask for my address.. this is what happen
"My address? Why my address? I'm not interesting in purchasing anything"
"But I already wrote your information on this form. If you dont go through with it i'm going to lose 100 points. You dont want me to lose 100 points do you??"
"Wait, what? No.. I dont really want to buy anything from you, I'm sorry I cant help you, Kevin"
"What do you mean. Then why did you make me sit here and waste my time with you."
"You told me you wanted to practice your communication skills and that's all you told me so that's why I agreed"
"Well you're holding the pamphlets in your hand arent you? That means you want to buy them"
"You handed them to me what did you want me to do???"
"Oh so you're retarded...I didnt know you were retarded"
"mm..ha I guess I am sorry"
"Oh no it's fine. It's okay that you're retarded and slow, keep your attitude"

........ o...... kay. completely ruined my day. I was on my way to Cha and I ended up buying a large with pearls because I was sad..

3) People are scary
I sort of want to be alone for now haha..I dont know sigh I hate it

I have failed yet again today
but He has already won the victory for me;
so I'll try again tomorrow..

--

Give thanks-- for it has already been done.

And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
Romans 8:30

clean. sing. speak.

2009-02-10T03:56:00.000-08:00

It's 4am and I regret being up this late. I've been drinking way too many shots of espresso these days and it's been really messing with my head. Today I felt very...disoriented for some reason, hence, I stayed up and did my laundry, cleaned my room, threw out my trash, wiped down my bathroom sink, and re-did my room. There's something beautiful about cleaning your room. I always seem to clean after some big test, or after something really crazy happens-- I guess it's when I feel like my room and I are both in a "mess" phase. But after re-organizing and cleaning my entire room, I must admit I feel refreshed. Sore, exhausted and tired-- but all the more refreshed.

I know it doesnt look clean or different to you (maybe), but I assure you it is very different... these pictures fall short in showing you just how clean my room is. sigh.

On the topic of cleaning, yesterday our toilet flooded and I woke up this morning to a puddle of toilet water that seeped under the door to the beginning of my room's door entrance. Lovely. It also seeped through the wall getting all of our shoes somewhat wet with juciy, beautiful h20 from the toilet. Lovely. Today I had to call them and ask them to come mop/fix our bathroom. 3 Mexican janitors came (yes, it took 3 of them to do this: vacumming the water out, mopping, unsecrewing the toilet, etc..) and I was so embarrassed. We shared a few laughs and they made fun of me blaming me for the toilet flooding (it wasnt me by the way...) I taught them some korean and they taught me how to say "I love you" in Spanish..they even let me announce that my toilet was clogged in korean into their Walkie- Talkie.

Regardless of the good laughs we had, I was still so embarrassed......... :*(

So I'm in the UCI Co-ed Acapella group. (It's new so we dont have a name yet) we're supposedly performing a song or to for the upcoming Acapella and this is our second week meeting. We're singing "Penny Lane" and I was assigned the Melody. Flattering, right? WRONG. It's cause I'm the only one in the group who is new and who cant read music. Everyone else had like 12 years of some sort of Chamber Choir and they can play like every instrument in the face of this earth whereas I still need to count all my notes from C and write it above the note, and I stopped playing piano forreals around 7 years old......I rock. But I honestly practice really hard. We got our music Yesterday through email and today I spent 3+ hours pounding every single note, trying to sing it and I tried to sing my part with the song they sent us...

This was all in the span of 2 days... I'm really trying :(
But every practice I feel so inadequate. It really sucks because I'm really not good and all of them intimidate me. None of them really make me feel super comfortable but it's because I'm n3wbie I guess.. Hopefully I'll practice enough to be good enough to enjoy this.. sigh. There are just alot of reasons why I dont want to do it-- but I love it so I will do my best to stick to it. Please support me after I get good... haha (not before then though)

Today I had various conversations and was continuously reminded of the magnificent of power we have with our words. Words are so powerful: piercing, uplifting, constructive, destructive, hurtful, degrading, inspiring, loving, hating, the list goes on... and yet words flow like carbon dioxide from our lips. The Dangerous thing about words is you cant take it back once it's been spoken and once it's been heard. No matter how much you want to erase it from someone's memory, as much as you want to rewind a minute or two to take back what you said-- words spoken are words heard forever and nothing you want can ever change that. That's so scary if you think about it. I've found that I am very careless with my words. I've probably hurt, discouraged, degraded and upset many with the careless matter in which I handle my words and when I reflect back to my ruthlessness, I feel so overwhelmed with guilt and frustration because of the fact that I don't have a solid list of all the hurtful things I've said, and all the times I must have slapped someone across the face with a careless remark I've said.

My dad used to tell me that words were like knives. It could be used to make delicious meals and gourmet dishes when used correctly, but when used incorrectly it could hurt people, or yourself. (corny but true hahah)

We have the power to do so many great things with this "freedom of speech" that we wave around like some proud banner.. but we fall short in taking advantage of this gift. I wanna try harder to be intentional with my words. To only say things that would uplift, encourage and build up people... seriously sounds impossible.. haha Let's try though...

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Give Thanks-- room cleaning, white mocha, eG and bChao who enjoyed my mushy cooking, my keyboard, a day of rest, a clean room, the road to a cleaner heart and mouth.

retreat, refresh, and my ode to biochem (pt.1)

2009-02-09T01:28:00.000-08:00

So for all those who have been faithfully reading my not-so-interesting, self-absorbed blog-- you will have witnessed the rollercoaster-kind-of relatiomship I've had with Biochemistry. Alas, my midterm is in 7 and a half hours and I am back at gateway, where I have spent many hours and nights in. It's sorta comfortable now. I've got a system down and it's always nice seeing people I know once in a while, and driving back with eugene with the cold rush of air that always welcomes us out the door.

Cups and cups of coffee, shots over shots of espresso, nights of not being able to sleep, seeing D-Glucose in my head whenever I close my eyes (even for prayer), countless times of complaining, time-lost, time-spent, it's been a ride. The first half of my quarter is over, and after that hour test tomorrow morning I will no longer need to retain 99% of the information I had so faithfully devoted myself to understanding and memorizing for the past 5 weeks.

To my surprise, and relief-- I feel somewhat ready. I've re-done every single bio tutoring, larc, discussion lecture I had done thus far-- and I have done over 7 practice tests and I'm currently in the middle of one now. I'm scared because I'm usually not to good with tests. Tests aren't my forte, I guess you can say. But I have hope! Regardless, it's all under God's plan and at least I can confidently and hoenstly say that I did the absolute best I possibly could.

This weekend we had a 'Winter Retreat' for Berean. The rain poured and the usually-very-hot palm desert wasn't so hot after all. The majority of us wore boots and sweaters for most of the retreat, and as refreshing as it was to feel cool air in a relatively hot place, the retreat overall was so refreshing and I really do feel recharged and ready to start again. (Just what I needed..!) Despite the motivation, inspiration and encouragements I've received in the past 2 days, I know that's definitely not enough for me to really carry it out into my life now. Now it's up to me to cling tightly to the things I've learned, to constantly pray for God to renew the motivation in my heart and that He would give me the strength to perserve. My heart feels warm and my 'feeble arms' feel able again and I have this strange overflowing joy inside my heart.

I want to be better---
at sharing, at praying, at learning, at loving, at trying, at encouraging, at shining.

We'll see how it goes/
Soli Deo Gloria. (4lyfe)

Give Thanks-- Gateway, confidence?, prayer, scripture, the harvest, Cha for tea, kevin who makes me laugh even though his burps are hateful, eugene for laughing with me every single time even when he desperately needs to study, berean, pastor pk, pc, ac, elder phillip, vince, joe, the way You refresh me

rain, rain rain

2009-02-06T01:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just need God to lay me down on his lap and let me nap a little. Everything around me is causing me to hate everything. I, in myself, am not capable of doing this-- at all. Although I recognize that I fail everyday to live up to my calling, to be the person that I should be, to love the way I am supposed to love, to rejoice because I have all the reason to rejoice-- I fail. Easier said than done for sure-- but this time it's just really hard. I really wish I could go somewhere far away.... God, comfort me.... :(

It's raining today.
and as I was feeling the coldness of the rain hitting me, and all this frustrating heating the sides of my face-- I kept thinking about this picture.It'd feel so good to just surrender like that right about now.

aaaah...7 shots of caffiene, 4 hours of sleep, 4 days til bio chem midterm, retreat in 20 hours, 10 people getting mad, 6 hours of tiring work, 0 hugs, shivering from cold weather, wet clothes, lack of confidence, lack of preperation, feel discouraged by myself and other people = so hard to rejoice. but I must..

Fall on me, ever so gently--breathe on these dry bones
shower me with Your love--washing my f i l t h y stains
and break these chains,
set me free.

Give thanks-- triple shot caramel macchaito, discovering green tea latte with vanilla, feeling like a failure with eg, feeling ready with eg, my second of peace, sanctification through suffering and Your grace that is clearly evident even in hard times, even when its hard for me to see-- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for C h r i s t's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

quality time

2009-02-04T18:03:00.000-08:00

An awkward acquaintance has become a mild friendship, and from the looks of it, I see great potential for a (possible) life-long relationship.

It's crazy what 20+ hours in 3 days can do to two beings. Despite their differences, despite their personal weaknesses and worlds-apart hearts, we've found our medium, or sense of balance in this chaotic and crazy world.

I must admit, there's still alot I dont know about him. Sometimes, I still feel uncomfortable and I feel as if he's not ready to open up to me. It frustrates me if I'm to be honest. Here I am pouring out all I have and it's like I'm pushing against a brick wall: no visible progress abounds, no deepening of the heart is apparent, and everything I've poured down on it seems to have been thrown to some waste.

And yet, I keep trying. Apart from his lackluster self and his insensitivity, I've found him to be quite interesting, and I'd be lying if I told you he didn't intrigue me every so often. There's much to know about him, and not enough time to do so. But I want to at least try-- for the sake of love, for the sake of friendship, and for the improbable possiblty that such relationship is possible, that such barriers can be abolished, that such walls can be torn down, and that maybe, just maybe-- two different worlds could fall and somehow land together.

Let's see how long this lasts, Biochem. I believe in us...

<3