Improving my serve

I'm studying right now but I thought I'd drop by and jot down a few things I've been thinking about these days.

To be honest, I consider myself somewhat of a 'servant' in various areas. You can read that and judge right off the bat that I'm giving myself alot more credit than I deserve. When I say servant, I dont mean I'm a humble person who 'serves' willingly, joyfully and graciously. No, to run against that, I'm actually the opposite. (almost). Service, for the majority of my life, was done because of obligation; whether that be by authority or by the authoritative power my desire to please people had overtaken me-- I've always been in positions to serve. I've always been a super people pleaser-- so over the course of my life I've always been doing things for people: whether that was wholeheartedly or reluctantly.

Over the course of my life, I've grown a heart for people. And I can confidently say now that my service now is deeply rooted from my extensive love for people. I love to serve my friends, my family, people who I care about, people who are in need, people who are struggling through a difficult situation, people who need me, people who are above me who happen to need me, and of course myself.

When I began working at starbucks, I had to remind myself on a daily basis that I was going to use this job to improve my serve-- and I believe that through some extent it did. It helped me to do unattractive jobs enthusiastically, to serve people above and below me, to serve customers who had little, if not any respect for me, and I had to really humble and die to myself every single day so that I wouldnt be offended when somebody told me to do their bathroom cleaning job for them. I've gotten awards for cleaning jobs and "lobbying jobs" in the past-- "The Lobby Goddess" they would say, and as small as this medal of honor was, I was thankful for it.

I proudly wore the banner of my servanthood around like some gold metal I've obtained from all I've done thus far, and for a short moment I was proud of myself for the servant I've become. But that's when the ownage came. For the past few days, a handful of people (all random and no relation to each other) have asked me to do petty little favors for them. Most of these favors were not big favors. Not demanding. Not hard to do. Just inconvinent for me and my "busy-I cant-fit-you-in" kind of schedule. Burdened by these requests, so many times I wanted to turn them down and I finally had the boldness to do so. Why? The recognition of these people had little significance to me.

I found myself being a selective-server. I serve who I want to serve, in ways that I choose to follow through. I'm no servant. Just a person who serves for public-recognition, praise of people, and for my own self-righteousness. I wanted to feel like I was good enough. like I was doing enough. I am no servant. If I am as selective as I am, and as picky about where or what to serve in, what kind of servant is that?

I am no more a servant than a person who sketches on the corners of newspapers would be considered a masterpiece-creating artist. I am no more a servant than a person who cooks macaroni and ramen for dinner would be considered a master chef. I am no more a servant than a butterfly is considered a bird merely because it has wings.

I am so prideful and so self-exalting and so self-righteous.
My service disgusts me..

But I wonder, would you spend the rest of your life tending to a blind and deaf old woman who never knew who you were even though you spent each and every day, morning and night, feeding her, bathing her, changing her diapers, combing her hair, reading to her, and learning to love her as family until the day of her death?

---would your answer change if you were to live this way for the rest of your life in silent solitude where nobody would ever know you were doing this?


give thanks-- Your perfect example, getting in owned in the face even when I'm alone, room-cleaning, quiet study times, timbetold concert yesterday, deep sleep that made me miss my class, that You would serve reckless, undeserving sinners like me


Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (matt. 20:26-28)