When I grow up I want to be a jar of clay

I've never really been a confident person.

I was always surrounded around people who were always better than me. (I'm trying so hard not to have a pity party or sound emo right now...haha) If you ever ask me about my sisters, I always say that Audrey got the talented and funny genes (she's honestly good at everything--singing, dancing, drawing, pure genius at everything she pursues) and katherine, my youngest, has the cute and lovable genes. Me? I have the good work ethic. HAHA. I work hard (or try to at least).

I think it's a norm for girls to lack a sense of confidence in ourselves. We are pros at dodging compliments, and have mastered the finding even the "tiniest,-most-trivial-and-insignificant-but-significant-to-us" flaws in ourselves ordeal. I can pull out 5 flaws for you right now: I have baby hairs, I wear makeup, My voice is whiny, I'm too touchy and I cry too easily. Very little and insignificant things that really consume my thoughts on an occassional if not daily basis. I feel like in alot of ways-- the insecurity that I fight within myself has been something that has affected alot of other areas in my life

Recently, I've begun to see how much this insecurity I have has affected the way that I share about my faith. Whenever I'm given the oppurtunity to share, 3 out of 5 of the times I shy away, or I graze over it-- completely missing the oppurtunity, absolutely not doing what I should be doing, and just being a scaredy cat weaksauce 5000.

I'm scared of people. I'm scared of what I wont and cant do. I'm scared of what they'll think. I'm scared of what I wont be able to say back. I'm scared I might hurt their feelings. I'm scared that they might think I'm wierd. I'm scared I wont be able to convince them. I'm scared they wont believe me. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared they might get mad at me. I'm scared they might call me religious. I'm scared of cats. I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of knives. Im scared wah wah wah. All of these fears and insecurities that I have keep me from sharing the gospel boldly. It's kept me from proclaiming Christ. I've exploded a humungous picture of my scared face and have failed to magnify Christ.. even to people who are some-what interested. YOU FOOL. you are such a fool, sharon. A scared, pathetic fool.

Recently, I've been learning more and more that evangelism is not converting someone. It's not winning saints. It's not about holding hands with an unbeliever and praying with them the prayer or repentance, bringing them to their salvation. Evangelism is our call to be obedient in sharing this gospel. Our calling is not "CONVERT" but it is to "GO". I mean, of course it is our hope that by our obedient efforts, God would use us to bring people into His Kingdom.. but even when it doesnt happen, I have not failed to be obedient to evangelize just because I come back emptyhanded.

I remember one thing Pastor Aaron always reminds me is "to plant seeds". It's not my job to convert them, that's the Spirits job. How foolish I must look trying to do His job. Its like me trying take a Econ major's final for him. or me trying to translate the bible in Chinese. or me trying to give birth to chickens. It's not my place. it's not my job. it's not what I was made to do

I want to be a jar of clay. A plain, simple jar of clay. There's no praise or compliment due to me. There are no flashy designs, no colorful embellishments. But a simple yet useful jar of clay. So that as I hold the treasure of Christ, that all glory would go to Him. Whether I'm proclaiming the gospel to people with words or with my life, that I could denounce myself so that I could announce Christ. So that even in my insecurities, I can feel secure because it was never about me anyway.

Thank God for insecurities. Thank God for my lack of confidence.
Because now I can confidently say that my only confidence comes from Him
and I love it.

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Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather we have renounces secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.....For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said "Let light shine out of darkness" made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ" But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us"

2 Corinthians 4:1-7

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Give thanks-- the way You refresh me, confidence in You, In-N-out, encouraging conversations, hugs, friends who share blogs, and the oppurtunity You will give me today :)