It drives me to my knees to worship you

Wonderful Savior
My heart belongs to Thee
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior
My heart will know Your worth
So I will embrace You always as I walk this earth

Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
Be treasured here
Be glorified
I owe my life to You my Lord
Here I am

------

Empty me of all the empty things I hold on to,
I just want to be beautiful for You.

Give thanks-- imputation, Jesus, evidence of God's grace in my life everyday, the beauty of Scripture, Tracy and Esther, late night albatross, cutesy laughs, text messages, sleeping earlier, grace kwon and the way she brings me bread in the morning :o), conversations about You, peppermint white hot chocolate at Starbucks, the irony of the gospel, convicted people who challenge me, the great commission, heavy hearts, CCM, hugs, sleeping earlier, efficient study time, the way You embrace me even when I dont understand..

Fail or Practice?

This week was probably one of the longest weeks I've ever had in my life and although I set resolutions-- I did not succeed to keep them for long. I honestly feel really exhausted-- mind, body and soul and I'm gonna go to sleep in a few minutes after I close this blog.

I can easily sit here and say that I feel like I failed. My 'making of resolutions' was not enough and my determination and brief-spark of motivation did not suffice in pulling me through and helping me to really achieve these goals. No matter how badly I wanted to achieve these things, my mere determination and desire did not have enough fuel to get me across all the way-- and I was a fool to even think that I was capable of even making it. It's so easy for me to just sit here and feel like a failure-- to really sit and devastate myself over the ways in which I lack, the mistakes that I've made, the places in which I've found myself to be inadequate.. but instead of letting myself think that way, I'll take this past week to have been a practice round!

I got my feet wet, got my uniform in place, scabbed a few knees, blew a few shots of bloodynoses but now I'm ready-- or, i'm more ready than I was last week! Despite how hard things were this week and how busy I'm going to be tomorrow-- I'm excited to see the ways I'm going to be stretched by Him as time continues to pass by.

I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm not enough. but that makes this entire process all the more exciting, doesnt it? There's really so many things I wish I could be better at. So many regrets I've listed in my mind throughout this week. but all in all, I find so many places in which to give God praise for. I feel so bad because I've failed to do that this week alot-- to just lift my hands in praise for all the times He's sustained me, and sufficiently provided for me-- and even just to fall to my knees in prayer, in utter desperation for His Spirit to fill me and to refresh me, and to restore the strength for me to go out and fight again.

I want people to see Christ in me. I want it to shine so bright through me that people will come and ask me what in the world it is, where the heck that 'light' is coming from, and what it is that gives me the unusual joy that is ever so apparent in my life. I am not a sufficient instrument or tool for that kind of position. I'm a rusted metal, a cracked plastic, a useless junk. but our God is a God who can use all to magnify Himself.

So let's try again, and let's do it better than the practice round, and let's start on our knees.
and I will end this again the same way I ended it before---


1) Resolved to sleep earlier so that my lack of will not affect my attitude or the way that I conduct myself during the day
2) Resolved to be faithful in word and prayer
3) Resolved to be a better daughter and sister (by praying for them more and encouraging them more on a weekly basis...)
4) Resolved to reaaaaaaaaally watch what I say and do, and how i conduct myself in public, with friends, with strangers, co-workers, classmates etc so that everyone who sees/interacts with me will know that I love Christ
5) Resolved to love Christ MORE

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. -Coloissians 3:16-17

Give thanks-- starbucks drinks, random naps, intentional conversations, berean bible study, my long-awaited esv study bible which i am growing to love and appreciate so much, dinner with grace leong, end-of-the-week conversations that really challenge and encourage me to be better

ready, set.....

There is seriously something so personally beautiful about the beginning of the week. I've started a weekly habit for me to clean my room, re-organize my clothes, throw out my trash, set up my binder, and take a deep breath before the new week steps in. It's seriously so refreshing and I honestly get this burst of pleasure from it..

I went home this weekend for the first time since winter break and it was just nice being home: eating home cooked meals that actually taste fresh, sleeping on a big, well-heated bed for as long as I wanted, being able to talk to my family whenever I wanted and give them hugs and kisses every 5 seconds. :o) I absolutely loved it.

I dont really have much to say-- but there are a few things that are on my mind, so I'll just vomit them out. My hair is brown and getting so long I love it. I am so judgemental. I am so impulsive I need to calm down and just let myself process things once in a while without freaking out. I have little integrity when it comes to my character sometimes, I'm so ashamed. I need to pray more. I have a heating pad on my bed and I'm so excited to sleep at night now. Before today, sleeping was so miserable because I was always so cold and my bed always felt clammy :( I have too much pride. I need to set more goals. I am a bad sister and daughter. I am a bad friend. My clean room feels so nice. I want to take a bath. I hope the weather is nice this week. My hands feel dry. I wish I had silver band rings. I have to study alot this week...

So story of the day: so today I had practice for my acapella group from 9pm-11pm. Esther dropped me off (thank you, i love you) and we had a pretty good practice. I still need to practice more but I'm getting there and the practices have been really nice lately-- the people have been helping me alot and it's really fun! I just need to keep practicing. Anyways, I didnt want to ask anyone for a ride back because 1) I feel bad asking 2) I dont want to be burdensome 3) I know all of these reasons sound so stupid and lame and pathetic but i'm sorry. haha and so I decided to walk back. I figured it'd be good excercise anyways and I love walking! its such a nice thinking, listening to music time ;) haha and so I was walking and I tried to be "smart" and take a shortcut so I started to walk up this dirt hill in my boots and because it rained for the past 2 days, it was really muddy and I got stuck in the middle of the hill...............in the mud............and I couldnt go any further up, so I had to put my hands on the mud and climb up..like an animal..or a tarzan..or a loser (take your pick) hahaaha I was so embarrassed but I just wiped my hands on my pants and ran home...here are the remants after i tried to wipe ALL the mud off my hands while I was walking back (I know it looks lame but I swear all of it was on my pants thats why..haha)


note to self: dont walk up muddy hills in your boots

I dont know if I've talked about this here-- i've been talking about it with so many people these days I've lost count. but recently I've memorized Philippians 1:27

"Whatever happens, conduct yourself in a manner worthy of the gospel"

I know that no matter how hard I try I'm always going to fail and be disappointed. but I also know that I need to remember that the grace, strength and joy He provides for me will always suffice in empowering me to keep trying at least. so let's do it. and let's make resolutions (simple ones and nonsimple ones) and give thanks everyday. so here we go.

Resolved to sleep earlier so that my lack of will not affect my attitude or the way that I conduct myself during the day
Resolved to be faithful in word and prayer
Resolved to be a better daughter and sister (by praying for them more and encouraging them more on a weekly basis...)
Resolved to reaaaaaaaaally watch what I say and do, and how i conduct myself in public, with friends, with strangers, co-workers, classmates etc so that everyone who sees/interacts with me will know that I love Christ
Resolved to love Christ MORE

I'm eternally Yours, my King..

Give thanks-- beginning of weeks, berean college ministry, shoulda woulda coulda been hugs, nice rehersals, the warm heating pad that will welcome me to sleep, the confidence I can have in approaching You

woosh

Hi, I had a hard day today.
Okay I lied-- thinking back to today it wasn't that hard. But alot of things made my heart feel heavy and I feel so exhausted from hauling it around the entire day.

3 things

1) I always say the wrong things.
I am such a failure in so many ways. I don't know how I have friends I am a bad person. ugh

2) I am a pushover
so today this random Italian guy wanted me to help him out with something so I agreed to help him. He said he needed to practice his communication skills so I sat with him in front of University Town Center and let him to talk to me about whatever he talked about. He handed me papers and started explaining things and I was really convinced that his only intention was to have someone to practice his communication skills on. Figures that he is trying to sell me magazines and starts to ask for my address.. this is what happen
"My address? Why my address? I'm not interesting in purchasing anything"
"But I already wrote your information on this form. If you dont go through with it i'm going to lose 100 points. You dont want me to lose 100 points do you??"
"Wait, what? No.. I dont really want to buy anything from you, I'm sorry I cant help you, Kevin"
"What do you mean. Then why did you make me sit here and waste my time with you."
"You told me you wanted to practice your communication skills and that's all you told me so that's why I agreed"
"Well you're holding the pamphlets in your hand arent you? That means you want to buy them"
"You handed them to me what did you want me to do???"
"Oh so you're retarded...I didnt know you were retarded"
"mm..ha I guess I am sorry"
"Oh no it's fine. It's okay that you're retarded and slow, keep your attitude"

........ o...... kay. completely ruined my day. I was on my way to Cha and I ended up buying a large with pearls because I was sad..

3) People are scary
I sort of want to be alone for now haha..I dont know sigh I hate it


I have failed yet again today
but He has already won the victory for me;
so I'll try again tomorrow..


--

Give thanks-- for it has already been done.


And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
Romans 8:30

clean. sing. speak.

It's 4am and I regret being up this late. I've been drinking way too many shots of espresso these days and it's been really messing with my head. Today I felt very...disoriented for some reason, hence, I stayed up and did my laundry, cleaned my room, threw out my trash, wiped down my bathroom sink, and re-did my room. There's something beautiful about cleaning your room. I always seem to clean after some big test, or after something really crazy happens-- I guess it's when I feel like my room and I are both in a "mess" phase. But after re-organizing and cleaning my entire room, I must admit I feel refreshed. Sore, exhausted and tired-- but all the more refreshed.

I know it doesnt look clean or different to you (maybe), but I assure you it is very different... these pictures fall short in showing you just how clean my room is. sigh.

On the topic of cleaning, yesterday our toilet flooded and I woke up this morning to a puddle of toilet water that seeped under the door to the beginning of my room's door entrance. Lovely. It also seeped through the wall getting all of our shoes somewhat wet with juciy, beautiful h20 from the toilet. Lovely. Today I had to call them and ask them to come mop/fix our bathroom. 3 Mexican janitors came (yes, it took 3 of them to do this: vacumming the water out, mopping, unsecrewing the toilet, etc..) and I was so embarrassed. We shared a few laughs and they made fun of me blaming me for the toilet flooding (it wasnt me by the way...) I taught them some korean and they taught me how to say "I love you" in Spanish..they even let me announce that my toilet was clogged in korean into their Walkie- Talkie.














Regardless of the good laughs we had, I was still so embarrassed......... :*(

So I'm in the UCI Co-ed Acapella group. (It's new so we dont have a name yet) we're supposedly performing a song or to for the upcoming Acapella and this is our second week meeting. We're singing "Penny Lane" and I was assigned the Melody. Flattering, right? WRONG. It's cause I'm the only one in the group who is new and who cant read music. Everyone else had like 12 years of some sort of Chamber Choir and they can play like every instrument in the face of this earth whereas I still need to count all my notes from C and write it above the note, and I stopped playing piano forreals around 7 years old......I rock. But I honestly practice really hard. We got our music Yesterday through email and today I spent 3+ hours pounding every single note, trying to sing it and I tried to sing my part with the song they sent us...


This was all in the span of 2 days... I'm really trying :(
But every practice I feel so inadequate. It really sucks because I'm really not good and all of them intimidate me. None of them really make me feel super comfortable but it's because I'm n3wbie I guess.. Hopefully I'll practice enough to be good enough to enjoy this.. sigh. There are just alot of reasons why I dont want to do it-- but I love it so I will do my best to stick to it. Please support me after I get good... haha (not before then though)

Today I had various conversations and was continuously reminded of the magnificent of power we have with our words. Words are so powerful: piercing, uplifting, constructive, destructive, hurtful, degrading, inspiring, loving, hating, the list goes on... and yet words flow like carbon dioxide from our lips. The Dangerous thing about words is you cant take it back once it's been spoken and once it's been heard. No matter how much you want to erase it from someone's memory, as much as you want to rewind a minute or two to take back what you said-- words spoken are words heard forever and nothing you want can ever change that. That's so scary if you think about it. I've found that I am very careless with my words. I've probably hurt, discouraged, degraded and upset many with the careless matter in which I handle my words and when I reflect back to my ruthlessness, I feel so overwhelmed with guilt and frustration because of the fact that I don't have a solid list of all the hurtful things I've said, and all the times I must have slapped someone across the face with a careless remark I've said.

My dad used to tell me that words were like knives. It could be used to make delicious meals and gourmet dishes when used correctly, but when used incorrectly it could hurt people, or yourself. (corny but true hahah)

We have the power to do so many great things with this "freedom of speech" that we wave around like some proud banner.. but we fall short in taking advantage of this gift. I wanna try harder to be intentional with my words. To only say things that would uplift, encourage and build up people... seriously sounds impossible.. haha Let's try though...



Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Give Thanks-- room cleaning, white mocha, eG and bChao who enjoyed my mushy cooking, my keyboard, a day of rest, a clean room, the road to a cleaner heart and mouth.

retreat, refresh, and my ode to biochem (pt.1)

So for all those who have been faithfully reading my not-so-interesting, self-absorbed blog-- you will have witnessed the rollercoaster-kind-of relatiomship I've had with Biochemistry. Alas, my midterm is in 7 and a half hours and I am back at gateway, where I have spent many hours and nights in. It's sorta comfortable now. I've got a system down and it's always nice seeing people I know once in a while, and driving back with eugene with the cold rush of air that always welcomes us out the door.

Cups and cups of coffee, shots over shots of espresso, nights of not being able to sleep, seeing D-Glucose in my head whenever I close my eyes (even for prayer), countless times of complaining, time-lost, time-spent, it's been a ride. The first half of my quarter is over, and after that hour test tomorrow morning I will no longer need to retain 99% of the information I had so faithfully devoted myself to understanding and memorizing for the past 5 weeks.

To my surprise, and relief-- I feel somewhat ready. I've re-done every single bio tutoring, larc, discussion lecture I had done thus far-- and I have done over 7 practice tests and I'm currently in the middle of one now. I'm scared because I'm usually not to good with tests. Tests aren't my forte, I guess you can say. But I have hope! Regardless, it's all under God's plan and at least I can confidently and hoenstly say that I did the absolute best I possibly could.

This weekend we had a 'Winter Retreat' for Berean. The rain poured and the usually-very-hot palm desert wasn't so hot after all. The majority of us wore boots and sweaters for most of the retreat, and as refreshing as it was to feel cool air in a relatively hot place, the retreat overall was so refreshing and I really do feel recharged and ready to start again. (Just what I needed..!) Despite the motivation, inspiration and encouragements I've received in the past 2 days, I know that's definitely not enough for me to really carry it out into my life now. Now it's up to me to cling tightly to the things I've learned, to constantly pray for God to renew the motivation in my heart and that He would give me the strength to perserve. My heart feels warm and my 'feeble arms' feel able again and I have this strange overflowing joy inside my heart.

I want to be better---
at sharing, at praying, at learning, at loving, at trying, at encouraging, at shining.

We'll see how it goes/
Soli Deo Gloria. (4lyfe)

























Give Thanks-- Gateway, confidence?, prayer, scripture, the harvest, Cha for tea, kevin who makes me laugh even though his burps are hateful, eugene for laughing with me every single time even when he desperately needs to study, berean, pastor pk, pc, ac, elder phillip, vince, joe, the way You refresh me

rain, rain rain

Sometimes I just need God to lay me down on his lap and let me nap a little. Everything around me is causing me to hate everything. I, in myself, am not capable of doing this-- at all. Although I recognize that I fail everyday to live up to my calling, to be the person that I should be, to love the way I am supposed to love, to rejoice because I have all the reason to rejoice-- I fail. Easier said than done for sure-- but this time it's just really hard. I really wish I could go somewhere far away.... God, comfort me.... :(

It's raining today.
and as I was feeling the coldness of the rain hitting me, and all this frustrating heating the sides of my face-- I kept thinking about this picture.It'd feel so good to just surrender like that right about now.

aaaah...7 shots of caffiene, 4 hours of sleep, 4 days til bio chem midterm, retreat in 20 hours, 10 people getting mad, 6 hours of tiring work, 0 hugs, shivering from cold weather, wet clothes, lack of confidence, lack of preperation, feel discouraged by myself and other people = so hard to rejoice. but I must..

Fall on me, ever so gently--breathe on these dry bones
shower me with Your love--washing my f i l t h y stains
and break these chains,
set me free.

Give thanks-- triple shot caramel macchaito, discovering green tea latte with vanilla, feeling like a failure with eg, feeling ready with eg, my second of peace, sanctification through suffering and Your grace that is clearly evident even in hard times, even when its hard for me to see-- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for C h r i s t's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

quality time

An awkward acquaintance has become a mild friendship, and from the looks of it, I see great potential for a (possible) life-long relationship.

It's crazy what 20+ hours in 3 days can do to two beings. Despite their differences, despite their personal weaknesses and worlds-apart hearts, we've found our medium, or sense of balance in this chaotic and crazy world.

I must admit, there's still alot I dont know about him. Sometimes, I still feel uncomfortable and I feel as if he's not ready to open up to me. It frustrates me if I'm to be honest. Here I am pouring out all I have and it's like I'm pushing against a brick wall: no visible progress abounds, no deepening of the heart is apparent, and everything I've poured down on it seems to have been thrown to some waste.

And yet, I keep trying. Apart from his lackluster self and his insensitivity, I've found him to be quite interesting, and I'd be lying if I told you he didn't intrigue me every so often. There's much to know about him, and not enough time to do so. But I want to at least try-- for the sake of love, for the sake of friendship, and for the improbable possiblty that such relationship is possible, that such barriers can be abolished, that such walls can be torn down, and that maybe, just maybe-- two different worlds could fall and somehow land together.

Let's see how long this lasts, Biochem. I believe in us...

<3

6 things

In the midst of being extremely exhausted for the past 2 weeks from merely living and getting by with my psychopathic Biochemistry class, I have found 6 definite pleasures. (--all of which I have utterly enjoyed one time or another, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the very act of doing these things is what provides the pleasure--but more so, the mere thought of it brings a smile to my very tired and slunky face.)

Due to lack of words available to describe these "pleasure" to you, I will attempt to show you in pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words, they say.. so here are 6,000.

Fill in the blanks!

1)
2)
3)
4)
5) (this makes me look creepy....)
6)
(this one is deceiving.. it looks alot sketchier than what i want. I just want a hug....)

I'm just tired. Long day ahead, but I'll make it.

Give Thanks -- long mornings, quiet outdoors, google for the pictures, growing in prayer, reasons to praise.

I am a traitor

....for various reasons

I am undependable, unreliable, uncommitted.

sigh-- let me try to list 5 ways in which I am traitor..

or an adultress... both being equally horrible things to be

1) I have fallen in love.. and committed adultery to my own work place.

I know I work at starbucks, but today-- you caught my eye, and I cant stop thinking about you..

Darn you Iced-Hazelnut Latte.. Darn you deliciously round ice cubes.. 

you've made me a traitor to my own kind..

2) I am a traitor to things I have committed myself to (therefore, I guess I can be considered a floozy sl*t..) 

why must you grieve me so? Why? Why does it seem like I never get anywhere with you?

Why do you force me to sit down and spend hours at a time with you and yet I feel so distant from you.. I feel so lost. Please meet me halfway. I am running so hard towards you and yet you turn from me. Please show me your face. Please help me feel the warmth of your love...please, I beg you. I will recommit myself to you..please come home to me, Mr. BC (Biochemistry). I'm so lonely

3) I have failed to be a good roommate and friend.

I think I allow myself to get so caught up in doing everything everyday that I lose the simple joys of just spending time at home, spending time with my roommates, and being a good friend to the people I love (roommates, and other friends as well). They deserve better, all of them. And although there is not much I can give, I wanna do what I can.

So many places to get better at.. I always feel like I fall so short. I never feel like what I do is enough. But I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing... Never bad to keep wanting more. So let's try. More to-do lists, more goals, more sleep, more efficient study times, more intentional conversations, more time devoted to prayer, more effort to constantly be in praise and thanksgiving.

There is so much to be thankful for. So many people to love. and so many reasons to give God glory. Let's do it

(I dyed my hair today but I'll post pictures later-- it's not that different anyway. and I'm tired)

PEACE

Give Thanks-- (i'm sorry i cant help myself, but..) coffee bean & tea leaf, spending the entire day with tracy, comforting conversations, hope, 9 hrs of sleep, naps, the effect sunlight has on my newly dyed hair, kitchen-cleaning with roommates, hope, the song in my head, good ol' car rides- like the good ol days :o), new beginnings, the end of january.