Wah

I dont like what you think of me
or the person you see me to be

but that's okay






Decrease me
Increase yourself in me

End of Spring Break

My week of being mama is nearly over now. Tomorrow is friday and my parents are finally coming home :) This week has been fun, fulfilling, refreshing, relaxing and yet very very tiring. I feel quite exhausted at this point. Playing mom is not the easiest task, as anticipated. Waking up, dropping up, driving around, shopping for groceries, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner, taking out the trash, even the little tasks like picking up the mail or grabbing the newspaper in the morning...tomorrow I have to do 3 rounds of laundry after I drop Katherine off for school. Right now, we are doing her history project. Man, being a mom is tough!

Sleep is going to be sweet. Going back to school is going to be sweeter. :o)
I'm excited for the quarterly fresh start. List of goals to come..not now though, too tired.

Yesterday I drove to LA to pick up Audrey and I actually dropped her back off a few hours ago.
but it was nice having her here for a day :) we made lunch together!
(pictures later)









sigh I am so tired..........

Give thanks -- a brand new macbook keyboard, phonecalls from old friends, car rides with sisters, starbucks drive thru's, the promise of prayer, how sweet tonight's sleep is going to be (ooooh-wee!)

wowza

i've been sleeping at 10 every night so far and its 10:30 and im so stinkin tired.. but before I go i wanted to say that these past 2 days (however tiring they may have been) have been quite refreshing. I can definitely say that God has allowed me to be so filled... spending time with my sister has been wonderful. seeing familiar faces every now and then has also been a blessing.
I'm gonna sleep..and it will be yet another wonderful addition to my wonderful day.
:)

here is my cutesy sister for breakfast this morning

Give thanks-- Mark Dever's Gospel and Personal Evangelism, the Apple store for giving me a new charger for free, dancing sessions, leftovers, the quiet solitude of starbucks, reading, praying, rowland heights lunch with eugene and justin, conversations with people I run this race with

The joys of Mama week

So today was my first Mama's day. It's really fun and exciting and I'm really so happy I can be here with Katherine :) Waking up at 5:30am is the hardest part of it--I was honestly joggum miserable in the beginning.. but I think I'll be okay once I start sleeping earlier.. I made her breakfast with the little ingredients I had: eggs, american cheese slices, onions, tomatoes and bacon-- my attempted but failed omelet breakfast... haha

then I dropped her off at school, picked up the newspaper and folded laundry as I watched the 6oclock news. I really felt like a mom haha. I really want to spend this week investing alot in my sister, and also gaining alot more appreciation for the kind of life my mom has been living for the past 20 years of her life. It's only the first day and its only 10am, but I'm already pretty pooped.
Yesterday, Katherine and I studied for the chem test that she had at 7am today. I hope she did okay.. we also read through Philippians together today before she went to bed. (plz pray for us! hehe)

I've schedule my break so that I'm only out when she's in school so I could spend time with her when she's home. We're going to go grocery shopping together after she gets back from school so we could cook some gourmet dinner... we'll see how that goes :)
I really want this to be a productive, fruitful, relaxing and refreshing break-- and so I've committed to spending alot of time by myself (whether that's outside, inside, in a coffee shop, at a park, in the car, etc) and I want to read more. and pray more. and really be refreshed in that way :) i'm excited.
I'm going to spend some of that time now before I start the rest of my day.
I hope everyone has a fruitful and wonderful break as well. :)
I'll keep you posted on my mommy adventures

We miss you sister, <3

Give thanks-- car rides home, good days that mend bad ones, reading, toast with smart butter, being at home with Katherine, yotb, philippians, looking forward to a refreshing week, prayer that will sustain me through it all

The evidence of grace in my sisters

I've failed in alot of things in my life-- but one thing in particular that I fail extremely bad in is being a good sister.

Alot of people dont know, but I am the oldest (yes, the oldest....hard to believe, I know) of three girls. I have two younger sisters-- one is a very talented and funny artist at Otis Art School in LA and the other is my baby darling cutie sweet heart, Katherine who is currently a sophmore in high school.

Here, let me formally introduce you to them

Everyone, this is my little sister Audrey

and here's my baby sister, Katherine


And here they are-- they are my pride and joy :)


haha

We're all really different. They have all the good-looking, talented genes. but that's okay, cuz I got the work ethic. (that's all, haha) They're even taller than me.......

(please remember that I am the oldest..)

but we are also very similar.. especially in our meekness..


and

yes.. cant you tell?

We were always relatively close. We always played well together, and got along like any set of friends would. We know each other's secrets, love life stories, regrets, fears, habits-- everything. From the admirable goods.. to the disgustingly shameful bads. I was always thankful for that. They are really like my closest friends..




However----

Despite how close we were, we never really had God-centered conversations and I can say that the times we've spent together have not been very fruitful..This obviously resulted in a shallow, worldy, self-centered relationship. I believe that our love for one another was real, but we were restricted by the standard of "love" in this world and never had anything deeper than a normal,nautral-family-bound-love-and-care for one another. Dont get me wrong, I know that this love in itself is one that is deep, beautiful and stable.. but there is definitely more than that out there.

Today we ate dinner together for the first time. We always go out with our family, but we never ever sat down together at a restraunt to share a meal with just the three of us.. Shamefully, it was the first meal that I formally bought for them. As we were eating, I was ashamed of the kind of sister I've been and the one that I currently was as we sat down eating our burgers. I decided to bring up their salvation-- I was never sure, and I always prayed that they would be but never tried asking them before.

They were taken aback by the blunt question--and one of them even scoffed saying that the conversation was becoming too "serious". I think I can say that it was a semi-awkward-hard-to-get-through time.. but I'm so thankful that it happened.

Later that night we sat down together to pray before Katherine went to bed. She has class at 7am tomorrow so her bed time was at 10. It was 10:30 but we decided to pray together anyway-- I begged them haha. (I would..I know) We sat and shared prayer requests and as they struggled to tell me how they had shamefully fallen back from their spiritual growths, I decided to share the gospel with them. It was something they had heard repeatedly before but I tried my best to help them to understand, to help them un-blind their eyes, so that I could somehow be used by God in softening their hearts.

It was such a beautiful, humbling, heart-warming, joyful time for me. We prayed together and decided to read through Philippians together so that we could keep each other accountable. We made a blog today and there we will share what we are learning, ask questions about things we dont know, and just spur one another on (I really pray this will be affective)

I know that even as I sit here writing this blog, I'm still a really bad sister. Possibly the worst. I dont even know how to be a good sister!!!! As the oldest, I fail as an example, as a dependable role model, as an accessible friend, and as someone that they could feel secure trusting. and in this life of striving to glorify God, in my daily disciplines, I fail really bad as well.

But I find hope in that God can use me, despite my shortcomings and failures, despite my lack of discpline and patience.. and I know that through this, God can now be glorified with our beautiful-but-used-t0-be-worldy-but-hooefully-not-anymore sister relationship, and I hope and pray that He will lead, strengthen and guide me as I really labor hard to help my sisters to grow, learn and love Christ more.

I'm excited and scared. but at the same time, very hopeful.
I strongly believe that one day I will see my sisters come to know Christ the way I have and that they will grow to love the gospel the way that I have grown to love it.

We have a long way to go, and many many many months of laboring to endure through. Alot of barriers to break, foundations to rebuild, questions to answer, conversations to have-- but we'll get there. and I hope that I can continue to share my joy with you..even if its just through this blog :)

Please pray for us.




Give thanks-- audrey and katherine, intentional conversations, the demonstration of God's amazing grace through Christ, coming home, first dinner with sisters, the fact that I have sisters, a chance to start again, the book of philippians, prayer, FINDING OUT THAT I DIDNT FAIL, God's grace in that, joy, the comforts of home, the joy that's in my heart right at this moment.

I'm done!! (and bObba)

I'm done with finals
and I'm excited to go home and do my list!!!

I'm too tired to write
but I will share something before I go


----


this is about Brian "Pomona" Kim.
So I've known Pomona Brian for a really long time now.

I know, I know..it looks like this picture was taken 20 years ago
....because of how old Disneyland looks in the background..
haha but I assure you he looks the same as he did when this picture was taken :)

I lost my first tooth at his house because i was chewing on ice, I played with his legos, He bought me my first study bible, was my bible study teacher, introduced me to all you can eat sushi, got me addicted to bowling for some time in my life and even bought me bowling shoes (which i still proudly and shamefully wear to this day--proudly because I am so honored to have one especially bought by him..and shamefully because I suck..really bad haha), he used to make me study with him at starbucks and always asked me biblical questions that i never wanted to answer...hahaha (my bad, obba) Oh, and he's like the only person I will ever call "Obba".

Brian played a big role in my "spiritual" life. As I look back, I can vividly remember how he had always tried to reach out to me. He invested so much time, energy, money and love into me so that I would one day learn to really love Christ, and to hopefully one day see me walk the road towards living my life victoriously and eagerly for Him. I can confidently say that I am laboring hard to be on that road--and I really owe Brian alot for that :)

since then, we've come a long way. I'm so happy that I came to Irvine and we could attend the same church again. Even though we dont see each other or meet up often, I still feel very thankful for him and I always feel so much better knowing that I can always go to him if I need anything :)

since then we've come a long way

from serving at Union together


graduations


and even baptisms! (I asked him to do my prayer for me! hehe now you know why..)

Okay, so now for my reason.
The reason I did this long post about him is because today he said something quite surprising. He was telling me that we should grab a meal together during spring break because we havent been able to the entire winter quarter..and then..


huh?! what?! no way......... for a split second I was so surprised slash happy
and then, I read the rest of the sentence..


so I know this all comes off rather confusing.. but you have to understand the context of this story.
"I miss you..and your sisters" = "I miss your sister(s)".

So throughout the years I've known him--regardless of how close we got, he always loved Katherine more...........so I know that when he says this..it is an indirect way of saying that he misses her and he would like to eat dinner with her. I am but a literary tool used to relay this message. My name is like..a verb or an adjective or a conjunction..anything, but what it sounds like..

need proof? please take the time to go up and review all the pictures that we've taken together and see how happy he is to take a picture with me... (answer: not so happy haha)

now my hard, cold evidence:


whaaaaaaaaat the heck? smiling..with teeth. look how happy he looks. .........
Now, let's review and compare his face in the above picture and a repeated one of the below:


But I must add that this is not something that he tries to hide from me. He tells me all the time HAHA

I know that this post is prone to sound bitter and sad, but it's all good fun :) I'm honestly so thankful for him and I know that he cares about me alot and he might feel bad after reading this post (actually, never mind I dont think he will.) But regardless, I just thought it was funny. and his "I miss you------" did catch me by surprise. and I'm glad it shocked me the way it did, because it helped me to look back and see God's faithfulness to me being so demonstrated by Brian's love and care for me as a brother.

So here we are. I am very thankful, and he is still doing the closed mouth no teeth smile :)

Obba, if you are reading this.......let me be your flower girl. please. thats all I ask.


give thanks -- starbucks drinks that make me happy, being done with finals, God's faithfulness to me through this quarter, finishing biochem for life, going home, waiting for friday's celebration!!!, spring break excitement, the fact that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh new start, Brian "pomona" Kim Obba

on end-of-the-quarter evaluations, sustained hope in His love for me, and the joys of rewarding myself

Finals week is here! and I actually just finished my first final (for Drugs and the brain) and although I really didn't study for it because I was studying for Biochemistry, I think I will pass the class! (I'm taking it pass no pass thank goodness..) Because I'm done with one, I have this really big feeling of peace and joy in my heart-- so do you readers mind if I splurge? and write a whole lot?? :o)

My dear friend bChao inspired me to do in the beginning of this quarter-- I will end the quarter with end-of-the-quarter reviews (on a un-biased/kinda-biased view..and I'll keep it short I promise!)

1. Biochemistry:
   by reputation this is the absolute hardest class I will have to take in my first 2 years as a bio major and so far its been slightly that way. I've studied a total of 9 hours so far for this class and It's only been two lectures. I'm really scared but I know I'll be okay .
   Biochem was actually not that bad. Although sometimes I'd freak out about the amount of material, the amount of enzyme names and intermediate structures I had to memorize-- it was a fun experience and taking my own personal notes for that class was honestly my pride and joy this quarter :) I have yet to take my final and I dont know how well I'm going to do in it, but regardless it was a fun ride and I can confidently say that this class taught me not to procrastinate and how to handle my time better!
   
   
2. Drugs and the Brain:
   This is actually a random class I'm taking because I'm getting paid to take notes haha. Isnt that cool? I'm taking it pass no pass but its been interesting thus far.
   Sigh everything about my review ended up being inaccurate. I ended up not being able to get the job for this class because someone took my spot the day before, and so I ended up being stuck with it. and Although there was possibly about 1 or 2 lectures out of the 30 that were interesting, the rest were so dreadful. I dont think I really learned anything in this class, but it was nice sharing notes with Memo, ninaK and diana..and sending my notes to Kenneth "miserable" Han everytime he'd freak out before the exams.. :) Those were the only highlights of the class hahaa
   
   

1. Prison Gangs
   By far, my favorite class this quarter haha. I added it last minute but we just watch videos in class and the teacher cusses all the time but the class goes by really fast.
   As anticipated, this class ended up being my favorite class. We watch videos in class, have one essay to do, and no midterms or finals? What's not to love? Despite how interesting and intriguing this class was, it definitely opened up my sheltered and baby eyes to a taste of the real world. There's so much more than what's in my immediate view and the evil and sinfulness of man was made so apparent to me through this class. This world is so scary, and people are so scary, and gangs are so scary.. It made me really scared of gangsters..
   
   Oh maaaaah baaaaad.. (this was me during..10th grade? HAHAHA)

----

So after finishing my first final, I head over to the book store to bring an end to a very big decision I had been wrestling with for a few weeks now. It was a really tough decision and I didn't want to make any hasty, rash choices-- so I made sure to refrain myself until I felt confident that I had spent enough time deliberately thinking about it. After a few weeks of thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that some investments (however huge they may seem to be) are worthwhile! So I did it! I trotted down ring road confidnetly, excited and eager to go in there and bring to a close what my heart had been hanging on for so long. After so many weeks of debating, wrestling, anticipating, and examining the trueness of my heart's desire..I finally bought my Moleskin.

See the thing is, I already have a notebook that is half-written on, but I decided to invest in this $17.95 (+tax) journal. Why? because i want to start over. For a while, I wanted to start a how-to-be-a-better-person-how-to-fix-my-mistakes-how-to-evaluate-my-ugly-heart-and-make-it-pretty kind of "manual" where I could write about and evaluate the different things I struggle with, the things I have a hard time doing, different gifts of mine that God is starting to reveal to me, how to use those gifts, how to fix my mistakes, how to grow from my shortcomings, and so on. Hopefully through this I will be a better person, better sister in Christ, a better daughter , a better sister, a better friend, a better co-worker, a better acquaintance, a better stranger to cross paths with, and hopefully it will build me to be the best wife I could be (?) haha I know I'm a little grossy..

I also bought a set of headphones. My old ones had broken a few weeks ago but I didnt want to buy a new one until I studied enough. So purchasing these 2 things were sort of like my "reward" hehe.... I know it's joggum (a little bit) lame but its honestly making me so happy and smiley inside. haha I know I'm an easy-to-please loser.. dont judge me!


So I sit here, one final down, one more to go, well-rested, moleskin-owning with a nice cold starbucks drink and music ringing through my headphones and I'm ready for more. Let's all be victorious this week. And dependent, more than ever!

Give thanks --unending joy I can always find in You, prayer before sleep, deep sleep, being finished with my first final, my 4-person 3 hour small group, my family, moleskins, music, having the next 2 days to study for biochem, Your grace that fully covers me, Your joy that fully sustains me, the strength to be joyful, random conversations, the how You reassure my faith-lacking heart

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And Earth has nothing I desire but You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. (Psalms 75:25-26)

finals week

here we go,


Your grace is enough for me

new eyes

This is my favorite time of the quarter.
The weekend/week-of Finals week.
There's just something about Not having class and having extended study time that excites me.

Just a couple things:
1) Today was the last day of class for this quarter :) How wonderful



I officially got certified today! Had to sit down and explain myself to my boss, was tested on a few things and tried to show her where my heart was. and then I talked to the district manager of Starbucks and he was really niceee :) so whew! so now I'm official. yay

In the midst of studying, God is gearing my heart and tuning it more and more to open my eyes to see the hope that I have in Christ. The hope of heaven, the hope of eternal unity with Him. I want to be like Apostle Paul and long to be with Christ and say confidently that it is better by far than living in this life. I can't say that I confidently feel this way yet.. but I can definitely see how God is giving me "new eyes" to see this world in sight of this hope that I have. Everything I have and everything I am belongs to him: Starting from small things like my apartment room, to biochemistry final, my GPA, my job, to my little-to-nothing skill in piano, my love for ice cream, my clothes--to bigger things like my time, my relationships with people i love, the financial stability of my family, my future, and so on. It's all rightfully His and because it is His, He controls it, gears it, drives, moves and steers it. I am but a participant of this "thing" of His.

Even this life that we live here in life is so short in sight of our hope in heaven. My life is but a breeze, this sophomore year of mine is but a minute and this winter quarter of crazy biochemistry studying, working,etc is just a half-second before the gates of eternity open up before me. So what more could I possibly do in this very short and brief time than to do all I can fervently, eagerly and urgently to glorify and magnify Christ in this dark world before I leave it?

Hopefully I will be able to continuously instill myself with this mindset, that my 'new eyes' will continuously be unblinded and that I would really testify the grace and love of God in all I do even if its via something foolish like making coffee at starbucks at strange hours in the night or sleeplessly studying for biochemistry :)


Give thanks-- no more classes for winter quarter, tenko's bento lunch #2, anticipating next week's sushi run celebration, the refreshing power of prayer, berean bible study, haggai, my journal, refresh tea at starbucks, trainees, getting certified, strength to persevere, strength to study, praying with skye, learning to be patient, learning to be unconditional, the cold sores on my tongue and its infection on my throat, that my God is a 'God of hosts'

seven days

So I will be officially done with the winter quarter of my 2nd year in 7 days.

Excited? yes. Ecstatic? Just a bit. RELIEVED? almost. Happy? you bet..
until then-- I will have to labor and invest my time, energy, brain strength and concentration to the 2 not-so-bad classes I am taking and the my very dear friend Biochemistry for the last time. I'm not doing too bad, catching up okay-- but I'd be lying to you if I told you I wasn't tired.

The symptoms of a cold slash flu slowly creeps beneath me, and I have to keep fighting it off because I don't want to make eye contact. Why? Why now? Why not a little bit before? Why in the most busiest time of the entire quarter must you come and embrace me? Why! Although the symptoms of this possible sickness creeps up on me, I find so much hope and strength knowing that God carries me. It's when I am most weak when He refreshes me and His big and mighty strength feels most near. How exciting!

Today I realized (yet again) that I am such a failure.
I fail to love. I fail to perserve. I fail to encourage. I fail to be patient. I fail to exalt Christ. I fail to do all things joyfully. I fail fail fail fail fail. I fail to be bold. I fail in sharing the gospel. I fail in being someone of integrity. I fail in being genuine. I fail as a student, daughter, friend, roommates, sister, trainer, etc.... I lack the love, strength, knowledge, understanding, endurance and everything you ever need to do anything in this life. I'm sitting here feeling pretty defeated with my brain really empty and my lack of productivity weighing down on my back.. and let me tell you, it's not a light load. I know I'm blabbing. But let me just say that tomorrow is a new day. and I'm excited to try again.

Things I really want to do after this quarter is over:
1) Read books outside drinking a refreshing drink
2) Reading at a coffee shop on the couches since I dont need a table to write on
3) Playing Piano
4) Go to a Museum of some sort and just slowly walk around
5) Go to the beach
6) Eat a meal with an old friend and have a good conversation
7) Watch movies. (shameful, i know but i really never get to watch tv)
8) Take a mid-day nap
9) Cook dinner for my sister
10) Go to the mall just to walk around
11) Take a walk at the park to write

Here are just a few.
Maybe I'll make a picture blog post later after spring break to see which of these things I did :)

I'm excited.

Give thanks-- In-N-Out's #2 meal, the comfort of wearing sweats, the joy of being a trainee, encouraging friends who I can share evidences of grace with, Hot tea at starbucks, my warm heated bed, Susan Lee (its her birthday today..), remembering God's faithfulness, the fact that tomorrow is a new day where I can try again, anticipating 7 days, 2 productive days of biochem studying, Dexter and his willingness to hear the gospel, the saving power of the gospel, calling my mom, Chuck saving me with a bowl of pho and a Mac Charger (thank you!!!!), scarves, hugs, remembering that Your boundless grace and unconditional love is more than enough for me..

I'm gonna study tomorrow
reading and sleeping now..goodbye!

sharon "weaksauce" lee

I think God uses my weakest times to show me just how strong He is. It's when I'm the most hopeless when He reveals to me how much hope I can have in clinging to Him. It's when I'm the most tired when He shows me how much strength and energy I can gain from asking Him to provide for me. When people are difficult and relationships are confusing, the sweet embrace of God's unconditional, unchanging love for me feels that much sweeter. When my lack of faith discourages me, His promises renew me. When I am most dry, He refreshes me. Praise God that I'm not always having a good time. Praise God that I'm not always doing well. Praise God that my callous heart frustrates me. Praise God even when I'm 10 biology lectures behind, because it teaches me to persevere and to not depend on my own ability. Praise God even when I lose my laptop charger 1 week before finals week.

It's at times when we am most tired, most weak, most discouraged, most alone, most broken--
when God brings us to our knees and He allows us to be most sensitive to Him.

How sweet would it be to be with Christ now? .
I wish I was as excited for it as Apostle Paul was..
Dang, that guy was craaaaaaazy
til then let's try to live victoriously!

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith... Phil 1:21-27


give thanks-- for the 16 hours of work I have this week because it'll teach me time management, for difficult trainees for it will teach me patience, 14 biology lectures to go over because it will teach me joy in diligence, my not-so-abundant-anymore credit for it will teach me to not be consumed with the things of this world, for friends who i have a hard time understanding for it will teach me to unconditonally love, my lost laptop charger for it will teach me to be thankful when i do get another, ice coffee with toffeenut because it makes my endorphins happy, strangers at gateway because it will teach me to show Christ's love, sleep deprivation because it will cause me to depend on God's grace even when I realllllllllly dont want to, and friends who will encourage me and remind me to always be thankful for these things.

you smell so sweet

14 biochemistry lectures
9 days til the final
9 days til spring break
9 days til sweet salvation

fix your eyes
no more blurs
rejoice
give thanks
faith increase
love expression
have hope

i cant wait.
freedom in 9 days...

Give thanks-- ppeter's sermon series on the book of colossians, the hope we have, our stretchable and work-in-progress faith, our freedom to love, our call to love, anticipating spring break, anticipating sleep on my nicely-heated bed, a long week ahead that will teach me perserverance, long days that will teach me to rejoice no matter, friends, starbucks twice in 2 hours, new weekly goals, family time, the comfort my parents bring, the joy my sisters bring, learning to treasure You so much that everything else looks like trash, the smell of fresh laundry

goodbye

time money memories
all these things are lost
time is always passing
the dice is always tossed

they say nothing is forever
they say all things come to pass
but i always liked to think
that everything would last

i thought it'd be forever
minus one day if it were to be
but i never thought that losing you
was something thatd happen to me


i shouldnt have been so careless
shouldve held you when i had the chance
but being here without you
im only left with rants

wherever you are, adapter
be a good use to them for me
ill keep my smile going on
since this is the way it has to be


goodbye adapter.
i hope you are serving your new master well
i'll replace you eventually..



Give thanks-- for the "free" time I now have because brother's appreciation is over, reminding myself of God's sovereignty even with a lost mac book charger, sustained joy, looking forward to sleep, tgi (almost)f, eating brandywine with anthony (who paid for us) and esther, tina , the (0:22) battery life I have left, reprinted bio lecture notes, gmail, esv study bible (and the online version)

Mamma Mia!

Today was Brother's Appreciation and the theme was "Smash". Overall it was a successful night because (i think) all the brothers felt appreciated and I saw alot of them smiling as they walked out. Seeing them smile and their "thank you"s made these last 2 weeks more than worth it.

I felt like all the girls really poured their hearts into this night and I really hope it showed :) The thing I love about Brother's Appreciation is that it always reminds me just how blessed I am to have these guys in my life-- looking back we've been through alot. In sight of all the things that's happened in this past year, I really cant imagine my life without them :o)

Tracy, Esther and I were (supposedly) the MC's and although we didnt do a greeeeeeat job, our costumes took a long time to make so here we are!



Things I'm excited to do now that BAN is over
1) Sleep more, and earlier!
2) Study more and catch up on everything!
3) Go to the ARC finally, memorizing more!
4) Clean my room and actually spend time in it now!

(aiiiiiiiiiiyayay)
5) Love the brothers, more
6) Love Christ more (these last two are not only because BAN is now over..) haha

I really need to clean my room-
but I will, tomorrow!


Yours,
Sh-ario!

4:00 am?

Hi, It's 4am and I am tired. But before I sleep I thought I'd post.
I missed an in-class assignment today because I needed a break. I tried to catch up on 4 lectures today but barely finished one. I dont remember the material I've been studying for the past few weeks. I dont think I'm gonna have time to look into it too much until the end of this week. I missed my rehersal today. I have class in 6 hours. My room is a mess. I have so much laundry, I need to catch up on my readings. I'm hungry! My vision is getting blurry, but it's all okay :)

I find such hope in knowing that I'm always given everything I need to go and do things joyfully. The road is paved, the directions are marked. I'm well dressed in the right attire, the tools have been given-- it's just up to me to pick up the pieces and run with it.

So like I've said in the post before, I've been taken off the regular schedule in order to take on my role (officially) as a "Learning Coach" aka "LC"


I trained my 2nd trainee today. It was hard training a stranger (my first trainee was Skye, a cutie friend of mine). Definitely took alot of time and patience but it was also extremely rewarding. I'm so thankful that I've been given a job where I can really get them comfortable and excited to work at starbucks, to teach them and to equip them with the right skill and knowledge they need to be affective, and the grand oppurtunity I have to really represent Christ in the way I serve, and to demonstrate the love of Christ through my patience and joy.

I've found that being in a position where I'm to teach them to be "servants" in such a 'buisness', I can share with them my faith, where I come from, what I stand by, and why I strive to work, love and serve the way that I do. But to be honest, It's really scary.

Sharing my faith with them, showing them my faith in the gospel, and incorporating myself with the person of Christ is what I believed to be something too scary, too risky, too hard. Once I profess my faith, everything I do and say, everyway I react and interact will be carefully observed, analyzed and judged.. My patience will be measured, my joy will be examined, my heart will be tested and I know that people are prone to make judgement and assumptions about me, Christianity and Christ according to my conduct.

It scares me because.. my biggest fear is that due to my failing flesh, I will (in some way, however big or small) misrepresent and taint the name of Christ; It really causes me to tremble in fear thinking that Christ could be demeaned by my sinful, evil and disgusting nature and character. But then I also see the challenge that comes with it-- how this very representation would challenge me to be more discerning, to be more cautious, to be more earnest and strive harder to accurately and effectively be more and more like Christ: in love, in humility, in patience, in faith and in His servant-like, God-exalting, God-glorifying character.

It scares me, but I see the opportunity to plainly be there. It scares and excites me. I fear it and I am grateful for it. So torn... haha but we'll see how it goes. Hopefully I will have the boldness to be firm in the things I profess, and that God will continue to pour down his grace upon me as I (in my pitiful personality and lack of strength) earnestly strive to be a reflection of the perfection I'm called to be..

Give thanks-- strength to stay up this late, laughing, tracy, esther, melissa, candace, my macbook and all the good things that come with it, the moisture that lotion brings, late night talks with esther, honesty, apostle paul's love for the gospel, transferring my hand-written journal habits to private blogspot ones again, looking forward to sleeping warm with my duck

wachu say?!

Yesterday, I felt my body go into shock for the first time. We went to Switzer falls for a hike and we jumped off a waterfall into freezing cold water (not literally freezing, but it was really really cold). I wasn't prepared for the jump but I remember exactly what it felt like when I jumped into the water. All the muscles in my body tightened, my neck stiffened, my body jerked up in attempt to get my head out of the water so that I could catch a breath. For a split-second I was honestly really scared. I remember breathing really heavily and trying my hardest to paddle myself through the icy cold water onto some surface that could assist me out. I remember clinging onto the rock without thinking or caring about anything else but getting out. Pulling myself onto the rock felt like sweet salvation. I felt my racing heart ease, and I felt the warm rush of my blood flush my face as the not-so-hot weather felt warm again. I dont really remember much from yesterday's hike but I vividly (and will probably always) remember the way my body responded when I fell into the water. There's a reason I wrote this to remind myself of something. My bad for taking up blog space..

Anyway,

There's been so much that's been going on in my mind these days that I dont feel like a blog could do it justice.. So many things are going on inside of me I really feel so confused and eager and anxious and nervous and excited and scared all at the same time. I feel torn between who I am and who I want to be. I would be lying if I told you that I wasn't discouraged at how inadequate I felt in trying to rightly represent and exalt Christ with my life...... I am an epic failure. I am so incapable..

Sigh I dont know what to say really, so I'll just list a few things

• Yesterday when I jumped off the waterfall, I belly-flopped into it, everyone had a good laugh. I tried climbing back up the rocks barefoot and I slipped. I now have big bruises/welts/etc on my right thigh and right rib. It looks really cool I wish I could show someone but it would be weird....
• For the next 2 weeks I will not be working as a barista but a learning coach! I'm training 2 people this week and I'm really excited.
  
• I want to read more
• My camera USB is not letting me upload my pictures/videos onto my computer and it's making me quite sad.................
  
• I have so much to study it's not even funny. I should study right now but I'm really tired..
• Yesterday I slept for 9 hours or so and I am so happy but I am so tired again
• I love Coffee bean and their Hazelnut Lattes. Iced > Hot, but hot is nice too
• I realized (with the help of a friend) that I complain alot..even when I don't mean to. but this week I'm going to try to fix this, along with a few more things..
• I really want to be more careful with the things that I say. whether it's to myself (yes, to myself), to friends, to workers, to customers, to anyone. I found that my uncautious attitude towards the words that I say can hinder, hurt and discourage others and in order to eliminate that I need to try harder!
• I want to read more books
• God provides me with the sufficient time, energy and strength to do everything I need to do
• I need to stop being scared of people
• I need to eat healthier now!
• I want to journal more!
  

I apologize for this self-absorbed blog post. I just needed it for myself before my week began.

Give thanks-- the feeling you get when you stretch after you sleep, sleep becuase it reminds me of how dependent I am on Your grace, sleep because it reminds me of how weak and needy my weaksauce flesh is, excitement for this upcoming week, (intentional) sophomore prayer meetings, praying for comfort, the unity of Christ in our sophomore class, to do lists, goals, the work You are doing in others, the work You are doing in me.....the presence of Christ even in hard circumstances, coffeebean trips, intentional conversations, the strength and grace You faithfully provide as my weak hands and feeble knees try to exalt You