Biochemistry has not been good to me. Never in my life have I had such a hard time enjoying a class.. It's one thing to be extremely difficult and time-consuming, but its another thing when it's not interesting no matter how hard I try to make it out to be. I've had fun in Chemistry classes, all bio classes, math classes, english classes and practically everything else I've ever taken but this one has taken its toll on me. We're only 2 weeks into the class 6 lectures into the quarter and I stand here defeated and ever so discouraged to move on.
It's a true fact when people say that we tend to only enjoy doing things we are good at. This truth, in my case, is actually un-true. I lack skill and abilities in alot of things I like doing! examples: singing, hip-hop dancing, taking care of animals, studying (i actually have really bad study skills), basketball, football (i'm really really sad that I'm so bad at this because I really like it..), singing high notes, lyrical dancing, cooking gourmet meals, carrying insightful and deep conversations-- and yet these are all things that I often enjoy and secretly pursue in the dark corners of my private time. I think the key to enjoying things you are horrible at, is to just admit that you are and will possibly always be bad at it-- and just to suck it up and enjoy it for what it's worth.
These days, I've been finding more and more things that I am not good at. Here are a few things:
- Being careful with the things I say and the way I carry myself around others
- Being encouraging at all times, especially in my conversations with friends.
- Avoiding my fear of people
- Keeping personal things to myself (i.e. all the shameful things I have exposed, expose through this particular entry and will continue to expose in my future blog entries...)
To tie all four of those things together in a short, concise explaination slash justification of what exactly those shameful things are and an attempt to justify myself for the way that I am so that you guys wont hate me for it-- I find that the root of these things is that I'm so overly consumed in myself. The way I am portrayed, the way in which I am accepted, the way I wish myself to seem to others. It's a thing that alot of us struggle with probably. We care too much about what others think about us, what kind of things they would say about us to other people, trying to dodge possible judgements and critisms.. we cling to our dire need to be accepted, loved, favored, to be found acceptable in the eyes of our peers. Am I alone when I say that I care?
I mean I'm sure I'd look really cool and awesome if I could say "uh well, I dont care what anyone thinks about me.." and find that everyone happens to like me! but in my case at least, it's not that way. I do care, I do worry, and I do find myself (sometimes) being so consumed by my fear and I guess this fear is what often motivates the things I do and say, and the very person that I may appear to you. This is something I had a really hard time with this week..
I feel overwhelmed when I think about all the things I need to fix, All the things about me I wish I could erase, change and improve on.. I've failed to be the person that I wanted to be. But that's when I realize how foolish I am to even have such expectations of myself. It's ridiculous in itself to even try to be found accepted by a crowd (a rather large crowd) of people who demand you to emulate different arrays of imperfections while spitting large gunks of disapproval without much thought or discretion anyway. I want to be found faithful in His eyes, blameless in His sight, and pleasing to Him.
I'm so far and it really feels so impossible
but I guess that's why it's nice that I'm not the one doing the heavy lifting :)
Give Thanks-- Sleepovers with laughs and surprises, Tracy's motherly ness, Esther's laughter, Getting through at least some lectures, Watermelon Juice, Kevin, His sovereignty over my life and who I am, fear factoring this fear, and trying again.