New years is a day earlier in Australia than it is in America.
I'll come back to write later.
but these past few days have been nice.
but for some reason it takes me about 2-3 hours to fall asleep at night. I toss and I turn for hours and I breathe heavily and I just cant sleep. Yesterday I had to sleep with my Ipod on because I was so frustrated after the 2nd hour. And then when I went to sleep I constantly had unrealistic too-good-to-be true dreams and my knowledge of its too-good-to-be-true-ness ruined the night of good dreams, waking me up. After my waking however-- I always fall back asleep only to meet 3-4 bad dreams.
I Just woke up from sleep but I feel exhausted.
my heart feels achy..
Dec 30, 2008
The Holiday
So yesterday I watched the Holiday with my sisters and I've been watching it over and over ever since.. I love it :(
I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
-Iris "The Holiday"
Something I've been realizing these days, is just how pathetically blinded we are sometimes. Sometimes we shrink our perspective to only what's right in front of us, consuming ourselves and pouring our whole selves into it, only to lose sight of everything else around us. I'm a pack rat by nature, and so I save everything. You name it-- my 1st grade name tag, a snowman I made out of playdoh when I was in Kindergarden, my high school homecoming ticket stub, my show choir hairspray can--everything. Why? because I have this strange and innate fear that I'm gonna regret throwing it away because I wont ever be able to see it again, or look at it again, or have it in my possession. I always want to be in control. I always want to ensure the security of having everything.
I guess this kind of mindset plays out in my life now too. I'm scared that if I let one good thing go that my luck with all good things will go with it. That if I cut out one thing that makes me happy, I'm never going to be happy again..the list goes on. This is a personal fear that I am quite ashamed of, and one that's been affecting my life for a while. But I think this movie (I know, it's dumb that I got this from a movie) helped me to realize, and re-remember that-- no matter what happens, no matter what kind of things we come to lose, in time-- things fade, in time, people heal, in time all things unravel in a way they should and you feel worthwhile again.
Just recently, I was granted the oppurtunity to mend a relationship which was more than broken. We were able to talk about our old times, the things in the past that we regretted and the things we needed forgiveness for in both ends. It's crazy because back then we both never thought we'd be friends again-- but through that one conversation, I feel like all matters were resolved, all ties had come to meet and all burdens had been lifted. Despite the pain that both of went through because of each other, all the problems that we gnawed our faces over seemed so small and insignificant now and we were able to look back and just laugh at how silly both of us had been. Time does heal, and people do change. Hard things always appear to be gigantic when we look at it in the eye, but once we look away and back again-- the humungous monster that used to snare at our back seems to have just been nothing but a mosquito chewing at the outer layer of our flesh.
I dont make sense, so I'm gonna leave.
but my point is- we heal. and we always end up being okay in the end.
I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
-Iris "The Holiday"
Something I've been realizing these days, is just how pathetically blinded we are sometimes. Sometimes we shrink our perspective to only what's right in front of us, consuming ourselves and pouring our whole selves into it, only to lose sight of everything else around us. I'm a pack rat by nature, and so I save everything. You name it-- my 1st grade name tag, a snowman I made out of playdoh when I was in Kindergarden, my high school homecoming ticket stub, my show choir hairspray can--everything. Why? because I have this strange and innate fear that I'm gonna regret throwing it away because I wont ever be able to see it again, or look at it again, or have it in my possession. I always want to be in control. I always want to ensure the security of having everything.
I guess this kind of mindset plays out in my life now too. I'm scared that if I let one good thing go that my luck with all good things will go with it. That if I cut out one thing that makes me happy, I'm never going to be happy again..the list goes on. This is a personal fear that I am quite ashamed of, and one that's been affecting my life for a while. But I think this movie (I know, it's dumb that I got this from a movie) helped me to realize, and re-remember that-- no matter what happens, no matter what kind of things we come to lose, in time-- things fade, in time, people heal, in time all things unravel in a way they should and you feel worthwhile again.
Just recently, I was granted the oppurtunity to mend a relationship which was more than broken. We were able to talk about our old times, the things in the past that we regretted and the things we needed forgiveness for in both ends. It's crazy because back then we both never thought we'd be friends again-- but through that one conversation, I feel like all matters were resolved, all ties had come to meet and all burdens had been lifted. Despite the pain that both of went through because of each other, all the problems that we gnawed our faces over seemed so small and insignificant now and we were able to look back and just laugh at how silly both of us had been. Time does heal, and people do change. Hard things always appear to be gigantic when we look at it in the eye, but once we look away and back again-- the humungous monster that used to snare at our back seems to have just been nothing but a mosquito chewing at the outer layer of our flesh.
I dont make sense, so I'm gonna leave.
but my point is- we heal. and we always end up being okay in the end.
Dec 29, 2008
Hard things
There's a cry in my heart for Your glory to fall,
for Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again-a thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond? Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart could I go there with You?
For what do I have if I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life could mean any more?
--
I'm so tired of this...............................................
Fix my eyes on You, Jesus. Help me not to be shaken.
Fall on me ever so gently
breathe on these dry bones
Set me free
for Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again-a thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond? Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart could I go there with You?
For what do I have if I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life could mean any more?
--
I'm so tired of this...............................................
Fix my eyes on You, Jesus. Help me not to be shaken.
Fall on me ever so gently
breathe on these dry bones
Set me free
Dec 27, 2008
Dec 25, 2008
aussie christmas
I am honestly very homesick.
There, I said it. Dont hate me for it.
Everyone was really excited for me when I told them i was going to Australia.. and I was excited too and dont get me wrong, I love it here, I'm having a great time. But I miss home.. and there really is no place like home. I miss my dad. I miss my irvine apartment. I miss Berean. I miss friends. I miss home smells. I miss familiar streets. I miss being in the same time zone. I miss school...
Today was Christmas. It was my first Christmas away from home and it was wierd not being with the entire family. Nobody really celebrates Christmas in Australia. My uncle told me that everyone usually goes somewhere else for Christmas-- there are really no cars on the street, no people walking around. It doesn't feel like Christmas.
I love it here. we're back at my uncle's place so we'll have time to relax now. but I miss home regardless....
I miss you most at Christmas time...
Even if it doesn't feel like Christmas, help me not to forget the gift You gave to the world. Help me to treasure it even in my loneliest and dryest times. Thank You for Jesus.
Merry Christmas from this wretched and undeserving sinner,
Sharon
There, I said it. Dont hate me for it.
Everyone was really excited for me when I told them i was going to Australia.. and I was excited too and dont get me wrong, I love it here, I'm having a great time. But I miss home.. and there really is no place like home. I miss my dad. I miss my irvine apartment. I miss Berean. I miss friends. I miss home smells. I miss familiar streets. I miss being in the same time zone. I miss school...
Today was Christmas. It was my first Christmas away from home and it was wierd not being with the entire family. Nobody really celebrates Christmas in Australia. My uncle told me that everyone usually goes somewhere else for Christmas-- there are really no cars on the street, no people walking around. It doesn't feel like Christmas.
I love it here. we're back at my uncle's place so we'll have time to relax now. but I miss home regardless....
I miss you most at Christmas time...
Even if it doesn't feel like Christmas, help me not to forget the gift You gave to the world. Help me to treasure it even in my loneliest and dryest times. Thank You for Jesus.
Merry Christmas from this wretched and undeserving sinner,
Sharon
Dec 23, 2008
hide me in some shelter
i'm running away, far away, running away far from you
people look, eyes see, i bend, knees bleed
i'm running away, far away, running away far from you
they hate, they speak, safe refuge, seek me
i'm running away, far away, running away far from you
loneliness may taste sweet, we'll never know til peek
i'm running away, far away, running away far from you
cower down, lets hide, dont look for me ill be inside
i'm running away, far away, running away far from you
Dec 22, 2008
"Daddy, can I do it?"
..My dad smiled as I looked up with my pouty face pleading for my slice of independence. He's been a gardener all his life-- He knew all the tricks of the trade, all the effective techniques, all of the secrets only the true professionals shared in their inner circles. I was but a child who barely knew how to tie my own shoes, but my ambition was on fire--and I felt absolutely capable. He hesitated as He handed me a handful of seeds that He had nurtured ever so carefully for as long as I could remember. I stuck my left hand into the dirt and began to dig with all the strength that remained in my little fingers as He watched over my shoulder, directing my every motion.
I just wanted to watch them grow. All I wanted was to see sprouts spring and flowers bloom from the tiny seeds I believed I was nurturing. I patted layers of soil on top of the hole in which I had previously placed the seeds. "Now You must wait Sharon. Let me grow them, you've done your part", He said. I glared back at Him in my prideful anger. Why didnt He think I could do it?? Why?! I refused and ran to get the pot to water my seeds. MY seeds. I came back and poured a pot of water on top of the patted soil. I sat, I waited, nothing. I ran back and got a few more pots of water. I watered pot after pot until the entire garden was flooded and drowned.
He watched me in my foolishness and shook His head as I cried on His shoulder screaming, "Why wont they grow? Why?! I planted the seed and watered it with all I could, but how come there's nothing??????" I was confused. I was completely helpless in my situation. Everything I've done had gone to waste. I shoulda just trusted Him. I watched as He emptied the entire garden's soil supply out into the waste and replaced it with new soil. He gestured towards my direction as I watched him put a new handful of seeds into the newly replaced pot of soil. He directed my hand and let me pat the last layer of soil down. "Now Your part is done", He said. "Now let me do the rest and we'll watch them grow together"
---
I know this is super cheesy, but this is the story that kept coming into my head today.
I came to Australia expecting to convert my unsaved family members into the family of Christ. I wanted them to believe. I wanted them to hear the truth of the gospel. I wanted them to experience the healing power of salvation. I came with my own ambition-- as much as I tried to trust God and humble myself to be a mere tool that God can use to save them, I came with way too much selfish ambition.
I wanted to save them. I wanted to share the gospel with them. I wanted to be bold. I thought I could do it. But similar to the girl in the story, I am so incapable. I know nothing. I have nothing to offer. If He gives me the seeds to plant, I will plant them, I will set them in the soil-- but that is the end of my part.. for now. He's the only one who knows how to grow and nurture them, and if He is to use me-- I am merely called to follow in His direction, imitate in His exact gestures, everything must be from Him.
Today I talked to my mom about this. Yesterday was Sunday but my mom made no active effort to bring my uncle or grandma to church with us. "I thought that was the plan!!! What are we doing?? come on umma, get on it! Persuade them to come to church with us!" I didnt understand.. but My mom really demonstrated her patience to me today. She's been witnessing to them for over a decade now and I know for a fact that there's been absolutely no visible fruit. But my mom has been so patient, so faithful and has placed so much trust in our God who has the power to save. It's in His sovereign time, it's in His Almighty plan, and it's only by His boundless power-- and she knows that.
To be honest, I was scared that I would go back home from Australia empty handed, with no visible fruit to testify to my Family and friends back at home. "I couldnt do it. I'm sorry I asked for your prayers. I've failed." But now I know that that wasn't God's plan for me here. I dont need to convert them to not fail, I dont need to bring home a testimony of their salvation-- I just need to come back knowing in confidence that I've done everything I could to make myself available for God to use me if He had wanted.
My mom keeps telling me that all we could do is demonstrate the love of Christ through our own lives, and that this would be the very testimony of the faith we profess. My mom told me that my uncle and grandma had recently told her that there was something quite different about our family. They had told her that the joy in our lives was evident, and that they found our eager pursuits in everything intriguing . In all of the horrible ways in which I lack and fail-- Praise God that He was able to reflect something like that from me.
Despite all of the things I learned today, God really owned me today too. You know, My uncle, aunt and grandma are good people. They are compassionate people of sacrifice and hospitality. All their lives, they used their wealth to help the unfortunate-- building schools for orphans and sponsoring kids who didnt have enough money to attend school in various countries. They dont know Christ and yet this kind of compassion and generosity is evident in their lives. So many of us who have been saved live day to day in all our luxories selfishly for ourselves. I wonder if this is what keeps them from coming to Christ?
If they, being without Christ, shine this much--
how much brighter are we called to shine?
Matthew 5:14-16
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.
Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before men,
that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
I just wanted to watch them grow. All I wanted was to see sprouts spring and flowers bloom from the tiny seeds I believed I was nurturing. I patted layers of soil on top of the hole in which I had previously placed the seeds. "Now You must wait Sharon. Let me grow them, you've done your part", He said. I glared back at Him in my prideful anger. Why didnt He think I could do it?? Why?! I refused and ran to get the pot to water my seeds. MY seeds. I came back and poured a pot of water on top of the patted soil. I sat, I waited, nothing. I ran back and got a few more pots of water. I watered pot after pot until the entire garden was flooded and drowned.
He watched me in my foolishness and shook His head as I cried on His shoulder screaming, "Why wont they grow? Why?! I planted the seed and watered it with all I could, but how come there's nothing??????" I was confused. I was completely helpless in my situation. Everything I've done had gone to waste. I shoulda just trusted Him. I watched as He emptied the entire garden's soil supply out into the waste and replaced it with new soil. He gestured towards my direction as I watched him put a new handful of seeds into the newly replaced pot of soil. He directed my hand and let me pat the last layer of soil down. "Now Your part is done", He said. "Now let me do the rest and we'll watch them grow together"
---
I know this is super cheesy, but this is the story that kept coming into my head today.
I came to Australia expecting to convert my unsaved family members into the family of Christ. I wanted them to believe. I wanted them to hear the truth of the gospel. I wanted them to experience the healing power of salvation. I came with my own ambition-- as much as I tried to trust God and humble myself to be a mere tool that God can use to save them, I came with way too much selfish ambition.
I wanted to save them. I wanted to share the gospel with them. I wanted to be bold. I thought I could do it. But similar to the girl in the story, I am so incapable. I know nothing. I have nothing to offer. If He gives me the seeds to plant, I will plant them, I will set them in the soil-- but that is the end of my part.. for now. He's the only one who knows how to grow and nurture them, and if He is to use me-- I am merely called to follow in His direction, imitate in His exact gestures, everything must be from Him.
Today I talked to my mom about this. Yesterday was Sunday but my mom made no active effort to bring my uncle or grandma to church with us. "I thought that was the plan!!! What are we doing?? come on umma, get on it! Persuade them to come to church with us!" I didnt understand.. but My mom really demonstrated her patience to me today. She's been witnessing to them for over a decade now and I know for a fact that there's been absolutely no visible fruit. But my mom has been so patient, so faithful and has placed so much trust in our God who has the power to save. It's in His sovereign time, it's in His Almighty plan, and it's only by His boundless power-- and she knows that.
To be honest, I was scared that I would go back home from Australia empty handed, with no visible fruit to testify to my Family and friends back at home. "I couldnt do it. I'm sorry I asked for your prayers. I've failed." But now I know that that wasn't God's plan for me here. I dont need to convert them to not fail, I dont need to bring home a testimony of their salvation-- I just need to come back knowing in confidence that I've done everything I could to make myself available for God to use me if He had wanted.
My mom keeps telling me that all we could do is demonstrate the love of Christ through our own lives, and that this would be the very testimony of the faith we profess. My mom told me that my uncle and grandma had recently told her that there was something quite different about our family. They had told her that the joy in our lives was evident, and that they found our eager pursuits in everything intriguing . In all of the horrible ways in which I lack and fail-- Praise God that He was able to reflect something like that from me.
Despite all of the things I learned today, God really owned me today too. You know, My uncle, aunt and grandma are good people. They are compassionate people of sacrifice and hospitality. All their lives, they used their wealth to help the unfortunate-- building schools for orphans and sponsoring kids who didnt have enough money to attend school in various countries. They dont know Christ and yet this kind of compassion and generosity is evident in their lives. So many of us who have been saved live day to day in all our luxories selfishly for ourselves. I wonder if this is what keeps them from coming to Christ?
If they, being without Christ, shine this much--
how much brighter are we called to shine?
Matthew 5:14-16
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.
Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before men,
that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
Dec 21, 2008
surfer's paradise
we rode a plane to a place called Gold Coast's Surfer's Paradise. We're staying at a hotel called Conrad Jupiter for the next 4 days and it looks like this!
doesn't it look crazy?
It's really nice here. My skin sorta feels sticky and icky because all of this stuff is more classy than I'm used to . It's only 1am here but I'm super tired.. I have no idea what kind of things we're going to be doing here and what kind of things we're going to eat-- but I'm excited.
I miss my dad. He couldnt come with us cuz of work but it breaks my heart everytime I think about him staying at home alone, cleaning my dog's poo, feeding him, and eating alone :( Hopefully he's not too lonely.
Finding presents here in Australia is alot harder than I anticipated. I have bracelets and postcards and tshirts and kangaroos and boomerangs to buy and it's really really hard... sigh.
Here's my day in a nutshell:
1) Went to a Korean church-- sorta wierd..i missed home..
2) spent lunch time with my cousin JJ and his family :)
3) Found out that "Joey"s name is not Joey, it's "Jay"
..and He has a New Zealand Accent!!!!!!!!!!
4) Learned some Australian-accent terms haha
Thank You in Aussie language is "Ta"! haha
doesn't it look crazy?
It's really nice here. My skin sorta feels sticky and icky because all of this stuff is more classy than I'm used to . It's only 1am here but I'm super tired.. I have no idea what kind of things we're going to be doing here and what kind of things we're going to eat-- but I'm excited.
I miss my dad. He couldnt come with us cuz of work but it breaks my heart everytime I think about him staying at home alone, cleaning my dog's poo, feeding him, and eating alone :( Hopefully he's not too lonely.
Finding presents here in Australia is alot harder than I anticipated. I have bracelets and postcards and tshirts and kangaroos and boomerangs to buy and it's really really hard... sigh.
Here's my day in a nutshell:
1) Went to a Korean church-- sorta wierd..i missed home..
2) spent lunch time with my cousin JJ and his family :)
3) Found out that "Joey"s name is not Joey, it's "Jay"
..and He has a New Zealand Accent!!!!!!!!!!
4) Learned some Australian-accent terms haha
Thank You in Aussie language is "Ta"! haha
Dec 20, 2008
Aussie Sunday
It's Sunday in Australia and we're getting ready for church!
I miss Berean.... :o(
It's surprisingly really hard to be a witness here. I've always known that it was especially hard with family but I never expected it to be this hard. I keep getting into little nips and fights with my mom (whom I never usually fight with) and Audrey .... Katherine has been my only comfort space for now but hopefully I'll start to really depend on God more with this. I know that humanly, I dont have the capacity to peacefully and joyfully go through these 13 days in love and humility with my family-- but I know that I can through Him.
I'm going to my first Australian church today!
I miss Berean.... :o(
It's surprisingly really hard to be a witness here. I've always known that it was especially hard with family but I never expected it to be this hard. I keep getting into little nips and fights with my mom (whom I never usually fight with) and Audrey .... Katherine has been my only comfort space for now but hopefully I'll start to really depend on God more with this. I know that humanly, I dont have the capacity to peacefully and joyfully go through these 13 days in love and humility with my family-- but I know that I can through Him.
I'm going to my first Australian church today!
"Allo' Mate"
It's 4:30am in America but its only 11:00pm here. Everybody and anybody considered decent here in Australia should be sleeping (including my mom and sisters)-- but due to the 13+ hours I spent sleeping in the plane and the airport today, I'm quite awake.
I finally got a hold of a charger for my laptop in addition to the Australian Wi-Fi and so I'm spending some time uploading and updating. I'm starting to get a little sleepy so after this is over I should head for bed as well.
Australia's really different. I came here with little to no expectations (except I did expect to see as many kangroos as I do rabbits back in the states) but there are alot of things different here than back at home.
Here are some interesting things I've picked up so far..
(sorry i dont have pictures for everything!)
1) Bathrooms are called "lifts" and the ones in the airport have showers.
2) The plugs look like this (inconvinient..camera/laptop charger, hairdryer..sigh)
3) Birds have Mo-hawks (is that how you spell it?)
4) The drivers seat is on the other side!! I didnt know this was forrealz??!?!
5) There's no tax................................everything's so cheap here.
6) Their main fast food restaurant is called "Hungry Jack" but the logo looks like this..
(familiar??)
7) They actually inspect bags with dogs...we had to walk in a single file line while this big dog on a leash walked across us sniffing us... (maybe not that interesting but it was pretty cool)
8) they have really cool money!
I'm actually starting to talk like them too. Today a lady at the airport asked me how many passengers I had in my party and I answered with "mmm, foh". I swear I meant to say 'four' but everyone and their mom talk in accents it was hard not to do the same haha
The process of getting to Australia was really annoying. The guy at LAX thought it'd be funny to prank us and told us that our passports were invalid and that we couldnt go to Australia. My mom freaked and all of us stood there in disbelief but later found that it was because we didnt sign the line above our picture (our passports were all new). After that, he thought it'd be fun to tell us that we really really couldnt go cuz we didnt have the visa that was required to go to Australia. This was actually true but he played with us for a good 20 minutes, giving me gray hairs, making my sisters almost come to tears and giving my mom the heartache of her life time. I really wanted to punch him. but we purchased our visas there and left trying not to make eye-contact with him. We finally got on the plane and waited inside for almost 2 hours because the flights were delayed. The 15 hour flight to Australia was an uncomfortable one. We sat in the the very back of the airplane and could barely see the tv that was probably a few inches smaller than my laptop screen which happened to be a good 70 feet away. I slept through a good 13 hour chunk of the ride. We finally got to our transfer station but happened to be 10 minutes late and our plane left without us so we had to get new boarding passes and wait 4 hours inside of the airport for the next flight. They didnt take Australian money so we couldnt even make a phone call until way later.
but now we are here. and Here I am, my patience tested, my anger fumed, my emotions jumbled and body exhausted. If I'm to be honest, my trip thus far isnt what I imagined it to be but it is only the beginning. The first dinner with the entire family minus my aunt was a quiet one-- it was the first time we saw each other for 4+ years and we didnt have too much to say. My older cousin (lets call him JJ) is really nice and big, he has a cute smile. My younger cousin (lets call him Joey) is nice too but alot quieter than JJ. His wife is not so nice (yet) but JJ's wife is really sweet even though she has big frog eyes. JJ and Big sweet eyes wife have a really cute daughter. She's almost 2.
I'm tired.
Sorry this was long, forgive me-- it was the 1st one!
Dec 18, 2008
goodbye USA
I just got back from retreat yesterday. I have so much to say, so much to talk about, so many things to be thankful for-- but not enough time to write it out right now..
We're going to leave for the airport right now-- so I just thought I'd leave a formal good bye
Hopefully this will be the start of beautiful family times, alot of fun, and lots of open doors for me to be used by Him
Pray for me!
We're going to leave for the airport right now-- so I just thought I'd leave a formal good bye
Hopefully this will be the start of beautiful family times, alot of fun, and lots of open doors for me to be used by Him
Pray for me!
Dec 11, 2008
The (almost end): Starbucks, Studying, Stuff to be thankful for.
I tried to be clever and think of words that started with "st" .... fail.
It's almost 4am. and I am yet again studying for a final.
I had work today from 11pm-3am; not too bad-- but i'm tired now..
I still have alot to memorize, alot to know, alot to read
but if you are wondering how I am doing as of now- this is what I look like
I just took it see what I would look like to outsiders. I look pretty pathetic haha
This is literally the position I'm in right now
but the picture is deceiving because I'm not that sleepy.. my body's just tired.
This finals round has been a different one. It's been tough, but it was fun. Working at Starbucks during finals week is my absolute favorite. I always asked if I could work on the register so I could talk to the customers. There's nothing that makes me happier than having the golden opportunity to make someone smile, to wake up a sleepy and tired mind, to energize a weary student, or to bring a smile to a completely hopeless kid cramming late hours before a final. It was truly an honor just to see what kind of drinks they ordered, to ask them the simple question of how their finals were going and just to see how they were holding up. I had many failed attempts at trying to make them laugh, or just trying to take all their bitter sarcasm (which I know was merely a by product of their long tiring nights..) My heart really and literally ached for those who seemed so discouraged by their lack of progress and readiness for their finals.. and it was just nice being able to make them smile.
My hope is that in the poor attempts that I made for the past 2 nights, that none of it went to my credit-- but that He could be truly glorified and magnified even via my very small and insufficient attempts to be "happy go-lucky, bubbly and positive" as they described. Sometimes I get super discouraged because I feel like if Christ isnt spoken of, or if I don't profess to every customer that I'm a christian and that I'm merely just trying to share my joy and love for Christ through my service to them-- that it would be nothing but mere kindness from a Starbucks barista who gets paid for being customer-friendly. But thats when I have to constantly remind myself that its not under my power-- and that all I have to do, and all that I can do is just serve, and is just to make myself as available as possible for Him to use me.
Sigh, I know this is long but I have to talk about this cuz i'm tired and I need to slap myself in the face and remind myself. I have a confession.. this week I probably put God in the backseat like 100 times. If i'm honest, I probably went hours and days without keeping him in mind-- putting my studies, and friends, and my own plans before Him. I felt a wrestle of guilt tug at my heart a couple of times but ignored it, promising myself that I'd make up for it later... I think 50% of the reason why I feel like this right now is because I feel like I failed. I feel like I've been a hypocrite, a liar, and an impure and despicable person. My heart's been revealed. My cards have been shown. and I bid way more than I could afford-- I'm a sore loser.
but then I remember His grace. His unconditional, beautiful and sweet grace. and so I sit up to try again. Despite my physical pains, despites my dire desire for sleep.. I want to keep trying, I want to keep giving my 200% until life's sucked all out of me-- completely, absolutely and utterly sucked up-- until I am stripped of all but His sufficient strength, His faithful love and His boundless grace..sigh how easily I let myself forget....
Restore me, rekindle me, bring me home.
I want to be found faithful.
1 more left. Let's do it.
It's almost 4am. and I am yet again studying for a final.
I had work today from 11pm-3am; not too bad-- but i'm tired now..
I still have alot to memorize, alot to know, alot to read
but if you are wondering how I am doing as of now- this is what I look like
I just took it see what I would look like to outsiders. I look pretty pathetic haha
This is literally the position I'm in right now
but the picture is deceiving because I'm not that sleepy.. my body's just tired.
This finals round has been a different one. It's been tough, but it was fun. Working at Starbucks during finals week is my absolute favorite. I always asked if I could work on the register so I could talk to the customers. There's nothing that makes me happier than having the golden opportunity to make someone smile, to wake up a sleepy and tired mind, to energize a weary student, or to bring a smile to a completely hopeless kid cramming late hours before a final. It was truly an honor just to see what kind of drinks they ordered, to ask them the simple question of how their finals were going and just to see how they were holding up. I had many failed attempts at trying to make them laugh, or just trying to take all their bitter sarcasm (which I know was merely a by product of their long tiring nights..) My heart really and literally ached for those who seemed so discouraged by their lack of progress and readiness for their finals.. and it was just nice being able to make them smile.
My hope is that in the poor attempts that I made for the past 2 nights, that none of it went to my credit-- but that He could be truly glorified and magnified even via my very small and insufficient attempts to be "happy go-lucky, bubbly and positive" as they described. Sometimes I get super discouraged because I feel like if Christ isnt spoken of, or if I don't profess to every customer that I'm a christian and that I'm merely just trying to share my joy and love for Christ through my service to them-- that it would be nothing but mere kindness from a Starbucks barista who gets paid for being customer-friendly. But thats when I have to constantly remind myself that its not under my power-- and that all I have to do, and all that I can do is just serve, and is just to make myself as available as possible for Him to use me.
Sigh, I know this is long but I have to talk about this cuz i'm tired and I need to slap myself in the face and remind myself. I have a confession.. this week I probably put God in the backseat like 100 times. If i'm honest, I probably went hours and days without keeping him in mind-- putting my studies, and friends, and my own plans before Him. I felt a wrestle of guilt tug at my heart a couple of times but ignored it, promising myself that I'd make up for it later... I think 50% of the reason why I feel like this right now is because I feel like I failed. I feel like I've been a hypocrite, a liar, and an impure and despicable person. My heart's been revealed. My cards have been shown. and I bid way more than I could afford-- I'm a sore loser.
but then I remember His grace. His unconditional, beautiful and sweet grace. and so I sit up to try again. Despite my physical pains, despites my dire desire for sleep.. I want to keep trying, I want to keep giving my 200% until life's sucked all out of me-- completely, absolutely and utterly sucked up-- until I am stripped of all but His sufficient strength, His faithful love and His boundless grace..sigh how easily I let myself forget....
Restore me, rekindle me, bring me home.
I want to be found faithful.
1 more left. Let's do it.
Dec 9, 2008
sleepy
i remember everytime I went to the dentist, i used to hate the pink goo they would spread on my gums with a q-tip. I hated the feeling of not being able to feel. but i really wish someone would spread some of that around me right now cuz i dont like this feeling
i cant sleep
i wish it'd just disappear
i cant sleep
i wish it'd just disappear
Dec 8, 2008
#1
Today will be day number one of finals week. It's 5:18am and I'm in the UCI student center.I just woke up from my nap and Chuck faithfully committed to waking me up.My nap served me well cuz I feel pretty awake now, despite the strange time. I have my biology final tomorrow (which I believe I am 43% ready for) and my anthro final (which should be a joke if I study for an hour or so). The plan was to stay here the entire night until my last final ends at 10pm. I have 17 hours left on campus-- but I feel so cold, tired and dirty :o(
I came into student center feeling like there wasn't enough time. But now I feel like I've reached a dead end and I dont have much more that I could possibly do to feel more ready for bio at this point. (but we'll see how far I push myself...........)
Finals week, despite the greulings and sufferings of long nights, caffeine highs and cramming pains, is beautiful -- I think. It's a time where I get to see the people I love, the people I laugh with and play with on a regular basis really get serious and pour their hearts out into something that may not be as enjoyable as late night Albatross runs or game nights that run til 3am. The pressured forehead tucked into a small text that should have been completed weeks ago, post-its consuming a used-to-be white paper notebook, a line of empty cups from starbucks and cha which we relied on so much for support and a pleasantly warm stress-reliever when we felt like we were carrying the weight of the entire quarter on our shoulders: I love it all.
As you can tell, I'm really not here right now. My train of thought is distorted and my words are jumbled-- but that again is the beauty of this whole mess that we name finals.
My goal for this week
is to really recognize the true essense of my weak-sauce-ness. I'm so weak in my flesh: so easily prone to give up, so easily tired, quick to be discouraged, quick to sway with how tired I am, how lazy I feel, how hopeless it seems, how slow my progress seems to be going.. they werent lying when they said that we are completely incapable of doing anything on our own. So I hope that in recognizing this, I will no longer slide God across the left wall, or "screen His calls", merely walk by Him without making eye contact trying to avoid Him, or place Him in the back seat while I'm "busy" with my school stuff-- but that I will completely look to Him for the strength, dilligence and joy while I study for these ever-so-hard-to-genuinely-love classes.
It's not impossible to have fun and be happy while studying, guys. :o)
so let's do it together.... !
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let Your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (phil 4:4-6)
Dec 7, 2008
My condition
I have a condition......of being conditional.
This is what I've learned about myself this week.
What does that mean? I do things while secretly expecting things. "I'll do this for you..under one condition", "I'll give you this if you give me that", "I'll promise this if you promise that".
It's a wretched and ugly thing to be but that's what I am and I have no intention of hiding it. I regret to admit that I like doing, hoping that it would be done for me too. I give pieces of my heart, crossing my heart hope to die that you would possibly cut me a slice too. I pour out, wishing I would be poured out to. I invest, hoping to be invested in. I smile, expecting a smile back and I hug, expecting the arms of my opposite to embrace me as well. I'm a people-pleaser and everything I do is motivated by this ideal person that I want people to think I am. To be blatantly and completely honest, I feel torn between the person I wish I was and the person that I really am.
Biggest confession of my life? Quite possibly.
and all your faithful readers (all 2 of you) will now know.
I guess as people, we're all conditional someway or another. We are happy to see someone and willing to answer all their questions and laugh at all their jokes when we're having a pretty awesome day; when we're having an off-day and the skies are grey in your mind, everything someone does and says can appear to be bothersome. We message expecting messages back. We listen to their problems, expecting them to listen to ours when we have things to say. We forgive expecting to be forgiven. We excuse faults hoping they'll look past ours too. It's always eye for an eye. We do favors for loved ones and feel jipped when we arent returned with favors that are equally heavy. If you go 10 feet for them, you expect them to run that 10 feet back someday when you need them to. We don't fully understand when we give a gift and they come to you empty-handed. We are all conditional people.
This is something that I know I wont be able to hide for too long of a time. That's why I'm just putting it out there so that you guys wont hate me too much when you come to see it face-to-face. I'm conditional. I have expectations. I grow impatient. I get disappointed.
I demand equality.
I always felt like wanting to be fairly treated, receiving as much as I've given and being treated equally was a given, and it was okay to think the way I did. It seems only fair doesn't it? Who are you to think that you can just take from me and not give anything back? Who are you to think that you deserve to be treated well from me when you treat me like trash? Who do you think you are always expecting me to do things for you, and labor for you, work for you and slave for you? I feel like its our natural tendency to want to be treated equally. To be given 10 lbs when we lay down our 10. but its not.
We're all useless, shameful, good-for-nothing people with nothing to offer but our sinful souls. We're desperate beggars. We deserve nothing. but He's given us more than we could ever rightfully ask for.. so who are we expect people to do 3 favors for us since we did 3 for them? Who are we to demand someone to pay for our meal because I paid for your in-n-out meal 2 weeks ago? Who are we to even defensively ask "Who the freak do you think you are?" to others when they seem to not treat you the way you think you deserve?
Who am I to be this way............sigh
Philippians 2:3-4
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
This is how God spoke to me today..crazy.
I got owned...
This is what I've learned about myself this week.
What does that mean? I do things while secretly expecting things. "I'll do this for you..under one condition", "I'll give you this if you give me that", "I'll promise this if you promise that".
It's a wretched and ugly thing to be but that's what I am and I have no intention of hiding it. I regret to admit that I like doing, hoping that it would be done for me too. I give pieces of my heart, crossing my heart hope to die that you would possibly cut me a slice too. I pour out, wishing I would be poured out to. I invest, hoping to be invested in. I smile, expecting a smile back and I hug, expecting the arms of my opposite to embrace me as well. I'm a people-pleaser and everything I do is motivated by this ideal person that I want people to think I am. To be blatantly and completely honest, I feel torn between the person I wish I was and the person that I really am.
Biggest confession of my life? Quite possibly.
and all your faithful readers (all 2 of you) will now know.
I guess as people, we're all conditional someway or another. We are happy to see someone and willing to answer all their questions and laugh at all their jokes when we're having a pretty awesome day; when we're having an off-day and the skies are grey in your mind, everything someone does and says can appear to be bothersome. We message expecting messages back. We listen to their problems, expecting them to listen to ours when we have things to say. We forgive expecting to be forgiven. We excuse faults hoping they'll look past ours too. It's always eye for an eye. We do favors for loved ones and feel jipped when we arent returned with favors that are equally heavy. If you go 10 feet for them, you expect them to run that 10 feet back someday when you need them to. We don't fully understand when we give a gift and they come to you empty-handed. We are all conditional people.
This is something that I know I wont be able to hide for too long of a time. That's why I'm just putting it out there so that you guys wont hate me too much when you come to see it face-to-face. I'm conditional. I have expectations. I grow impatient. I get disappointed.
I demand equality.
I always felt like wanting to be fairly treated, receiving as much as I've given and being treated equally was a given, and it was okay to think the way I did. It seems only fair doesn't it? Who are you to think that you can just take from me and not give anything back? Who are you to think that you deserve to be treated well from me when you treat me like trash? Who do you think you are always expecting me to do things for you, and labor for you, work for you and slave for you? I feel like its our natural tendency to want to be treated equally. To be given 10 lbs when we lay down our 10. but its not.
We're all useless, shameful, good-for-nothing people with nothing to offer but our sinful souls. We're desperate beggars. We deserve nothing. but He's given us more than we could ever rightfully ask for.. so who are we expect people to do 3 favors for us since we did 3 for them? Who are we to demand someone to pay for our meal because I paid for your in-n-out meal 2 weeks ago? Who are we to even defensively ask "Who the freak do you think you are?" to others when they seem to not treat you the way you think you deserve?
Who am I to be this way............sigh
Philippians 2:3-4
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
This is how God spoke to me today..crazy.
I got owned...
Dec 4, 2008
Dear Finals week,
Today I smelled your fragrance as I was walking to my class with my genetics book at hand. I know you're near, and I know you're coming. But in spite of all the jitter jatter I'm ready for you. So bring it on sucka, cuz I'm coming back at you full-throttle
Love your friend, sharon
--
I am honestly joggum (little in korean) excited for finals! It's really an exciting time, I think. The late night studying, the sleeping in awkward hours, the relieved feeling of walking out!!! I'm excited :) Today was our CCM's Fall Banquet and it felt alot different from last year. But it was a nice kind of different. Missed alot of old faces, but embraced the new ones and I feel like I'm overflowing with love for them. I keep thinking about them and looking at the pictures (Do I sound creepy.. ahaha) but it amazes me the kind of love and joy comes from Christ alone :) I feel so honored and blessed to be able to experience it in my life and through these people.
Pictures for that will come later maybe.
but right now I'm studying at gateway, and I'm really excited to study.
Hopefully I'm productive today...... I realize that there is nothing that i can do in my own strength.. even studying for finals. As excited and anxious I feel at times-- that can only go so far. It's only by His boundless strength and diligence that I can go and be victorious even in my studies. So now I confess to myself, to God and to all of you who may be reading that I dont hold the capacity to be study hard for my finals. (simple, I know) so now I will leave, only by the work of His hands.......and I'm ready
Let's do this! whhhhhooooooooo
Love your friend, sharon
--
I am honestly joggum (little in korean) excited for finals! It's really an exciting time, I think. The late night studying, the sleeping in awkward hours, the relieved feeling of walking out!!! I'm excited :) Today was our CCM's Fall Banquet and it felt alot different from last year. But it was a nice kind of different. Missed alot of old faces, but embraced the new ones and I feel like I'm overflowing with love for them. I keep thinking about them and looking at the pictures (Do I sound creepy.. ahaha) but it amazes me the kind of love and joy comes from Christ alone :) I feel so honored and blessed to be able to experience it in my life and through these people.
Pictures for that will come later maybe.
but right now I'm studying at gateway, and I'm really excited to study.
Hopefully I'm productive today...... I realize that there is nothing that i can do in my own strength.. even studying for finals. As excited and anxious I feel at times-- that can only go so far. It's only by His boundless strength and diligence that I can go and be victorious even in my studies. So now I confess to myself, to God and to all of you who may be reading that I dont hold the capacity to be study hard for my finals. (simple, I know) so now I will leave, only by the work of His hands.......and I'm ready
Let's do this! whhhhhooooooooo
Dec 1, 2008
I can't believe...
..it's december
There's no season that I love more than all that's contained in the little month of December. I love the red decorations that Starbucks puts up, the little red and white cups and the smell of Peppermint white Mocha (I swear I made like 50 of these today..) I love the fogginess and the cold cold breezes that hit your face and you feel like someone is pinching you really hard. I love how warm the back of my neck and my armpits are as I place my shivery and icy hands on them as I walk to class. I love wearing sweats to class (not that I dont do that when it's not december) and wearing scarves on a regular basis. I love the smoke that comes out of my mouth and even the scratchy feelings in my throat. I love boots and long sleeves and zip-up jackets and warm hats. I love thinking about snow and seeing christmas lights everywhere. I need to soak it all up since I'll be spending the majority of my winter break celebrating summer time... :o( / :o) sigh mixed feelings haha
today I am so thankful for the people in my life. People in my classes, people to work with, people slash customers to serve, people to sing with, people to pass time with in simple conversations, people who visit me at work and stalk me (chuck), people who say hi on the way to class, people who I can message on facebook and miss even more, people to have inside jokes with, people to laugh with, people to joke with, people to be encouraged by. I'm really so thankful. and it's not even thanksgiving anymore-- yay haha
Today was my last hard monday. This quarter, my Mondays were so tiring because I had class from 11-12pm, work from 12-3pm, class from 3-4pm, studied til 4-5, class from 5-6, studied from 6-7 and had class til 7-10pm.... but now it is over!!!!! and I'm getting alot better (sickness-wise, i mean) and I had alot of fun studying with my markers yesterday. i'm actually gonna right now to do it again :) I'm on lecture 18 out of 27.. I'll get there. People always think i'm being sarcastic or that I'm just saying this to convince myself-- but I really do enjoy studying. I think it's so exciting that we're in college right now and we can just study and master subjects and take tests and slowly but surely mold ourselves to be hard workers in the future.. ( i know I sound so cheesy right now.. haha but I mean it I swear!!!!)
well I'm going to go! thanks to chuck, I am going to the study room with power tools
well Here I go! wish me luck! :o)
There's no season that I love more than all that's contained in the little month of December. I love the red decorations that Starbucks puts up, the little red and white cups and the smell of Peppermint white Mocha (I swear I made like 50 of these today..) I love the fogginess and the cold cold breezes that hit your face and you feel like someone is pinching you really hard. I love how warm the back of my neck and my armpits are as I place my shivery and icy hands on them as I walk to class. I love wearing sweats to class (not that I dont do that when it's not december) and wearing scarves on a regular basis. I love the smoke that comes out of my mouth and even the scratchy feelings in my throat. I love boots and long sleeves and zip-up jackets and warm hats. I love thinking about snow and seeing christmas lights everywhere. I need to soak it all up since I'll be spending the majority of my winter break celebrating summer time... :o( / :o) sigh mixed feelings haha
today I am so thankful for the people in my life. People in my classes, people to work with, people slash customers to serve, people to sing with, people to pass time with in simple conversations, people who visit me at work and stalk me (chuck), people who say hi on the way to class, people who I can message on facebook and miss even more, people to have inside jokes with, people to laugh with, people to joke with, people to be encouraged by. I'm really so thankful. and it's not even thanksgiving anymore-- yay haha
Today was my last hard monday. This quarter, my Mondays were so tiring because I had class from 11-12pm, work from 12-3pm, class from 3-4pm, studied til 4-5, class from 5-6, studied from 6-7 and had class til 7-10pm.... but now it is over!!!!! and I'm getting alot better (sickness-wise, i mean) and I had alot of fun studying with my markers yesterday. i'm actually gonna right now to do it again :) I'm on lecture 18 out of 27.. I'll get there. People always think i'm being sarcastic or that I'm just saying this to convince myself-- but I really do enjoy studying. I think it's so exciting that we're in college right now and we can just study and master subjects and take tests and slowly but surely mold ourselves to be hard workers in the future.. ( i know I sound so cheesy right now.. haha but I mean it I swear!!!!)
well I'm going to go! thanks to chuck, I am going to the study room with power tools
well Here I go! wish me luck! :o)
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