..My dad smiled as I looked up with my pouty face pleading for my slice of independence. He's been a gardener all his life-- He knew all the tricks of the trade, all the effective techniques, all of the secrets only the true professionals shared in their inner circles. I was but a child who barely knew how to tie my own shoes, but my ambition was on fire--and I felt absolutely capable. He hesitated as He handed me a handful of seeds that He had nurtured ever so carefully for as long as I could remember. I stuck my left hand into the dirt and began to dig with all the strength that remained in my little fingers as He watched over my shoulder, directing my every motion.
I just wanted to watch them grow. All I wanted was to see sprouts spring and flowers bloom from the tiny seeds I believed I was nurturing. I patted layers of soil on top of the hole in which I had previously placed the seeds. "Now You must wait Sharon. Let me grow them, you've done your part", He said. I glared back at Him in my prideful anger. Why didnt He think I could do it?? Why?! I refused and ran to get the pot to water my seeds. MY seeds. I came back and poured a pot of water on top of the patted soil. I sat, I waited, nothing. I ran back and got a few more pots of water. I watered pot after pot until the entire garden was flooded and drowned.
He watched me in my foolishness and shook His head as I cried on His shoulder screaming, "Why wont they grow? Why?! I planted the seed and watered it with all I could, but how come there's nothing??????" I was confused. I was completely helpless in my situation. Everything I've done had gone to waste. I shoulda just trusted Him. I watched as He emptied the entire garden's soil supply out into the waste and replaced it with new soil. He gestured towards my direction as I watched him put a new handful of seeds into the newly replaced pot of soil. He directed my hand and let me pat the last layer of soil down. "Now Your part is done", He said. "Now let me do the rest and we'll watch them grow together"
---
I know this is super cheesy, but this is the story that kept coming into my head today.
I came to Australia expecting to convert my unsaved family members into the family of Christ. I wanted them to believe. I wanted them to hear the truth of the gospel. I wanted them to experience the healing power of salvation. I came with my own ambition-- as much as I tried to trust God and humble myself to be a mere tool that God can use to save them, I came with way too much selfish ambition.
I wanted to save them. I wanted to share the gospel with them. I wanted to be bold. I thought I could do it. But similar to the girl in the story, I am so incapable. I know nothing. I have nothing to offer. If He gives me the seeds to plant, I will plant them, I will set them in the soil-- but that is the end of my part.. for now. He's the only one who knows how to grow and nurture them, and if He is to use me-- I am merely called to follow in His direction, imitate in His exact gestures, everything must be from Him.
Today I talked to my mom about this. Yesterday was Sunday but my mom made no active effort to bring my uncle or grandma to church with us. "I thought that was the plan!!! What are we doing?? come on umma, get on it! Persuade them to come to church with us!" I didnt understand.. but My mom really demonstrated her patience to me today. She's been witnessing to them for over a decade now and I know for a fact that there's been absolutely no visible fruit. But my mom has been so patient, so faithful and has placed so much trust in our God who has the power to save. It's in His sovereign time, it's in His Almighty plan, and it's only by His boundless power-- and she knows that.
To be honest, I was scared that I would go back home from Australia empty handed, with no visible fruit to testify to my Family and friends back at home. "I couldnt do it. I'm sorry I asked for your prayers. I've failed." But now I know that that wasn't God's plan for me here. I dont need to convert them to not fail, I dont need to bring home a testimony of their salvation-- I just need to come back knowing in confidence that I've done everything I could to make myself available for God to use me if He had wanted.
My mom keeps telling me that all we could do is demonstrate the love of Christ through our own lives, and that this would be the very testimony of the faith we profess. My mom told me that my uncle and grandma had recently told her that there was something quite different about our family. They had told her that the joy in our lives was evident, and that they found our eager pursuits in everything intriguing . In all of the horrible ways in which I lack and fail-- Praise God that He was able to reflect something like that from me.
Despite all of the things I learned today, God really owned me today too. You know, My uncle, aunt and grandma are good people. They are compassionate people of sacrifice and hospitality. All their lives, they used their wealth to help the unfortunate-- building schools for orphans and sponsoring kids who didnt have enough money to attend school in various countries. They dont know Christ and yet this kind of compassion and generosity is evident in their lives. So many of us who have been saved live day to day in all our luxories selfishly for ourselves. I wonder if this is what keeps them from coming to Christ?
If they, being without Christ, shine this much--
how much brighter are we called to shine?
Matthew 5:14-16
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.
Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before men,
that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
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