The Holiday

So yesterday I watched the Holiday with my sisters and I've been watching it over and over ever since.. I love it :(

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

-Iris "The Holiday"

Something I've been realizing these days, is just how pathetically blinded we are sometimes. Sometimes we shrink our perspective to only what's right in front of us, consuming ourselves and pouring our whole selves into it, only to lose sight of everything else around us. I'm a pack rat by nature, and so I save everything. You name it-- my 1st grade name tag, a snowman I made out of playdoh when I was in Kindergarden, my high school homecoming ticket stub, my show choir hairspray can--everything. Why? because I have this strange and innate fear that I'm gonna regret throwing it away because I wont ever be able to see it again, or look at it again, or have it in my possession. I always want to be in control. I always want to ensure the security of having everything.

I guess this kind of mindset plays out in my life now too. I'm scared that if I let one good thing go that my luck with all good things will go with it. That if I cut out one thing that makes me happy, I'm never going to be happy again..the list goes on. This is a personal fear that I am quite ashamed of, and one that's been affecting my life for a while. But I think this movie (I know, it's dumb that I got this from a movie) helped me to realize, and re-remember that-- no matter what happens, no matter what kind of things we come to lose, in time-- things fade, in time, people heal, in time all things unravel in a way they should and you feel worthwhile again.

Just recently, I was granted the oppurtunity to mend a relationship which was more than broken. We were able to talk about our old times, the things in the past that we regretted and the things we needed forgiveness for in both ends. It's crazy because back then we both never thought we'd be friends again-- but through that one conversation, I feel like all matters were resolved, all ties had come to meet and all burdens had been lifted. Despite the pain that both of went through because of each other, all the problems that we gnawed our faces over seemed so small and insignificant now and we were able to look back and just laugh at how silly both of us had been. Time does heal, and people do change. Hard things always appear to be gigantic when we look at it in the eye, but once we look away and back again-- the humungous monster that used to snare at our back seems to have just been nothing but a mosquito chewing at the outer layer of our flesh.

I dont make sense, so I'm gonna leave.
but my point is- we heal. and we always end up being okay in the end.