My condition

I have a condition......of being conditional.

This is what I've learned about myself this week.
What does that mean? I do things while secretly expecting things. "I'll do this for you..under one condition", "I'll give you this if you give me that", "I'll promise this if you promise that".

It's a wretched and ugly thing to be but that's what I am and I have no intention of hiding it. I regret to admit that I like doing, hoping that it would be done for me too. I give pieces of my heart, crossing my heart hope to die that you would possibly cut me a slice too. I pour out, wishing I would be poured out to. I invest, hoping to be invested in. I smile, expecting a smile back and I hug, expecting the arms of my opposite to embrace me as well. I'm a people-pleaser and everything I do is motivated by this ideal person that I want people to think I am. To be blatantly and completely honest, I feel torn between the person I wish I was and the person that I really am.

Biggest confession of my life? Quite possibly.
and all your faithful readers (all 2 of you) will now know.

I guess as people, we're all conditional someway or another. We are happy to see someone and willing to answer all their questions and laugh at all their jokes when we're having a pretty awesome day; when we're having an off-day and the skies are grey in your mind, everything someone does and says can appear to be bothersome. We message expecting messages back. We listen to their problems, expecting them to listen to ours when we have things to say. We forgive expecting to be forgiven. We excuse faults hoping they'll look past ours too. It's always eye for an eye. We do favors for loved ones and feel jipped when we arent returned with favors that are equally heavy. If you go 10 feet for them, you expect them to run that 10 feet back someday when you need them to. We don't fully understand when we give a gift and they come to you empty-handed. We are all conditional people.

This is something that I know I wont be able to hide for too long of a time. That's why I'm just putting it out there so that you guys wont hate me too much when you come to see it face-to-face. I'm conditional. I have expectations. I grow impatient. I get disappointed.
I demand equality.

I always felt like wanting to be fairly treated, receiving as much as I've given and being treated equally was a given, and it was okay to think the way I did. It seems only fair doesn't it? Who are you to think that you can just take from me and not give anything back? Who are you to think that you deserve to be treated well from me when you treat me like trash? Who do you think you are always expecting me to do things for you, and labor for you, work for you and slave for you? I feel like its our natural tendency to want to be treated equally. To be given 10 lbs when we lay down our 10. but its not.

We're all useless, shameful, good-for-nothing people with nothing to offer but our sinful souls. We're desperate beggars. We deserve nothing. but He's given us more than we could ever rightfully ask for.. so who are we expect people to do 3 favors for us since we did 3 for them? Who are we to demand someone to pay for our meal because I paid for your in-n-out meal 2 weeks ago? Who are we to even defensively ask "Who the freak do you think you are?" to others when they seem to not treat you the way you think you deserve?

Who am I to be this way............sigh

Philippians 2:3-4
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

This is how God spoke to me today..crazy.
I got owned...